A Life More Complete(73)

“Don’t be mad at me. Please.” I nearly beg.

“Why? You don’t care what I think. You do the opposite of what I tell you no matter what. Don’t wear the short dress and you still walk out the door. Don’t make friends with clients and one is on our couch watching TV.” His voice loud and I pull the phone away from my ear.

“Tyler, I do care what you think. I wouldn’t be apologizing and begging you if I didn’t care. I hate this. I don’t know what’s going to set you off. I want to be able to live my life without always wondering if what I am doing is going to make you mad. You have some preconceived notion of who I’m supposed to be and I don’t think I can fit that mold. Ever.” I’m beginning to raise my voice and I can feel the tears pooling in my eyes. “You’re upsetting me. Please.”

“Fine. You’re forgiven. Is that what you need to hear?”

“Please don’t be so condescending. I wanted to enjoy my evening, but that’s over. I hope you have a nice night.” I quickly hang up the phone before he has a chance to respond. I turn the ringer off and throw the phone on my bed.

I apologize to Trini for being gone so long. I take a seat next to her on the couch and she looks at me with pity.

“Did your relationship with Ben end because of me?” she asks. A bold question that seems to have come from nowhere.

I immediately lie. “No,” I say but I can’t elaborate anymore than that without admitting it did.

“You’re a liar. I know it did and I want you to know that I like Tyler, but...” she trails off not completing her thought.

“Okay, maybe you were part of it. It was mostly the job, but at that time things were rough for you. It was a build up of a lot of things.” I breathe in deeply and decide to share with her something I haven’t told anyone. Maybe it’s because I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to make it work or that I’m embarrassed that I couldn’t give just a little. “Ben wanted to marry me. He wanted to have kids. He wanted us to be a family and it scared the shit out of me. When he ended it I didn’t fight for it and I should have.” I can feel the tears fall down my cheeks silently. “I loved him and I made a mess of it.”

“I’m sorry,” is all Trini can say as I keep unloading all my insecurities on her. I tell her how I want to marry Tyler, but how he’s so difficult. I also admit that I just might be settling for second best, because of what happened with Ben. Tyler is a safety net. He’s there to fill the absence of what could’ve been.

We stay up far too late, talking about her issues and mine. We both conclude that we are far more screwed up than anyone should be. But she tells me to marry Tyler, because in her opinion he loves me. I feel for her, because she says that she wouldn’t even know what it feels like to be loved by a man. It’s never been part of her life and she doubts it ever will be. It breaks my heart.

Trini calls her driver around two in the morning and he shows up within minutes to pick her up. I thank her for listening to me bitch all night.

“What are friends for?” she says. “You’re always there when I need you; I thought it was about time I returned the favor. Please don’t dwell on this. It’ll work itself out. I’m a perfect example of that. It might take a while, but be patient. Love you,” she says, hugging me.

“Thank you. Love you, too”





---Chapter 21---





Tyler arrives home just in time to leave for Bob’s house warming party on Friday night. I spent the better part of the afternoon making homemade cupcakes and frosting, something I find oddly soothing. I’m putting the cupcakes in the car as Tyler hauls into the driveway. He pulls his bag from the car and walks past me without saying a word. We haven’t spoken since the argument about Trini. I can’t even begin to think about all the other bullshit he claims I’ve done. This time he can apologize to me, but even I know that is like waiting for hell to freeze over. I’m done being the one in this relationship who gives in. I meet him as he climbs out of the shower. His face wears a stoic expression, but the effort he gives to ignore me is extreme.

“I’m leaving in ten minutes. You can join me if you like, but you don’t have to,” I say walking away without giving him a second look.

I’m putting my shoes on as he comes into the bedroom wearing just a towel pulled tightly around his waist. His hair is longer and beginning to curl. The few weeks he has been living with me his tan has become permanent, his hair blonder and his body more defined. He’s extremely hard to ignore. When he finally speaks to me his voice is hoarse and I know he’s been smoking pot again. I shake my head at his teenage behavior and I start to wonder if he will ever outgrow this mentality. My conscience screams “no” and as I piece together all his well-defined behaviors, I know the answer is no. Although Tyler is able to keep a successful business running and create the illusion of being an independent and self-sufficient adult, he still lives half the life of a nineteen year old college student.