Yours Truly (Part of Your World, #2)(63)

I let out a long breath. Fine. I tossed my phone on the couch.

“Don’t spy on me,” I muttered to my brother and his minion. Then I let myself out onto the porch and closed the door behind me. “What’s up?” I said, crossing my arms.

He looked twitchy. His anxiety was high. Probably the Amy fight/makeout thing and he wanted to talk about it, which really was the least I could do considering we were friends and he was giving my brother an entire organ. But I had to emotionally brace for it anyway.

He didn’t start.

“Jacob?”

He swallowed. “I uh…I wanted to ask you…” He paused to lick his lips. “I wanted to ask you if you would like to go on a date with me. A real one.”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. Knocked the wind right out of me. I felt instantly sad and defeated.

“Jacob, no.”

His face fell. I had to close my eyes and let out a centering breath.

“Why?” I asked, looking at him. “Why do you want to date me? What is your reason for asking me. Here. Now. On this particular night.”

He looked almost confused. “I…I like you. I like spending time with you. I—”

“Let me guess. You’re ready to move on from Amy? Time to get back out there, put that relationship behind you?”

He blinked at me. “Well…yes.”

I sighed. He wasn’t asking because he actually wanted to date me. He was asking because he’d just had some messed-up, dick-punch interaction with his ex. He was frantic to get over her and wanted a distraction that would make him feel better. And I was here. A living, breathing consolation prize. Some desperate next-best-thing thing.

I didn’t want to be Jacob’s in-between solution. I didn’t want to be what he did while he tried to work through this or figured his shit out.

I didn’t want to be his second choice.

“Jacob, I know how hard this must have been for you to ask me this,” I said, trying not to let him hear the fracture in my voice. “But I’ve done the ‘Love the One You’re With’ thing. I’m never doing it again. Let’s just get through the next few months. Do what we agreed to do. Be harmless to each other. And then the wedding will be over and you can date someone else for real. Okay?”

His expression went blank. Totally blank.

I knew the wheels were turning. Probably working overtime. And I felt terrible that he’d probably worked up the courage to ask me this and I rejected him, and he was probably regretting ever bringing it up. But I had to be clear. I was not going to be his rebound or his fuck buddy or his friend with benefits.

I’d only be his friend.

“I’m sorry,” he said finally, his voice flat. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’ll never ask you this again.”

I felt like crying.

The fact he didn’t say anything else—anything about feelings—was almost an admission of guilt. Like he was acknowledging that his reasons for asking were exactly what I thought they were.

I looked away from him and nodded. “Thank you.”

He paused another moment, peering at me. Like I might give him a different answer if he just stood there long enough and waited for it.

“Good night,” he said.

Then he turned and walked to his truck.

I went inside and put my back to the door and buried my face in my hands. I wanted to claw my throat out. Throw something, scream into a fucking pillow.

I hated this so much. I hated it.

“Why’s your boyfriend asking you on a date and you said no?” Benny asked.

I looked up and glared at him. “I told you not to spy on me.”

“I didn’t, you left the Ring app open on your phone. I turned it off when I realized.”

I rolled my eyes and cleared the space to snatch my cell off the couch.

“Seriously, why’d he ask you that?”

“Just…don’t bug me right now. Okay? It’s complicated.”

He studied me for a moment, but he let it go.

I guess I should be happy that my brother was enough of himself again that he gave a crap about what I was doing.

God.

I set up Benny’s dialysis, doing my best not to cry in front of him or Justin, who was still sitting there with him watching TV. When I was done, I went to my room and called Alexis.

“Hey,” she answered on the first ring.

I sniffed. “Can I come over?”

She was doing dishes. “Sure. When?”

“Tonight.”

I could picture her looking at her watch. “You won’t get here until midnight.”

“One. Maybe one-thirty. I have to finish Benny’s dialysis. You don’t have to stay up. Just leave a blanket on the porch swing and let me in when you get up in the morning.”

“What happened?”

I pulled the phone away from my mouth for a second while I choked down the lump in my throat. “I can’t tell you now or I’m gonna cry. I can ask Benny to go to the dialysis center for a few days. I have two more days off work. I just need to get out of here and be somewhere else.”

I heard her shut off the water. “Okay. But I’m waiting up.”

“No, seriously. Don’t. Just leave the door unlocked.”