When in Rome(93)

“I’ve realized recently that I accepted my trauma and decided to live within its bounds so I didn’t get hurt more. It was easiest to know that I’m afraid of losing anyone and to not let them out of my sight because of it. But now I’m seeing that I’ve been more comfortable with the cost to everyone around me. Madison…” Emily pushes out a painful breath and shuts her eyes tightly. “Madison wanted so badly to go away to culinary school and I talked her out of it. She’s in a teaching job she hates because of me and my fears. Annie is so devoted to me that she hasn’t even considered the possibility of ever leaving this town, and I’m afraid she’ll never dream big now. And you…” A tear leaks down her cheek. I cover her hand with mine.

“And you have carried your own hurt as well as all of ours ever since you had to grow up at ten years old, and it’s not fair, Noah. And the one time you did let yourself really feel again, Merritt exploited it. And then, I did, too. When you came to help with Grandma, I should have been there for you and encouraged you to get back out there. To not give up on love. But instead, I used your hurt to my advantage to keep you close to us so that I could feel safer. But it’s time for both of us to stop padding our lives so we don’t feel bumps in the road anymore. I think we’ll get hurt a lot in this life, but maybe it’s worth it because sometimes we will experience really amazing things, too. Maybe not everything will end in hurt. But we’ll never know if we don’t try.”

I laugh incredulously as I squeeze Emily’s hand, threatening my own damn tears not to fall. “You came to this life-changing conclusion yourself?”

She smiles a little guiltily. “Did I mention that I also started going to a therapist the day after I blew up at you over dinner?”

“No. But I’m proud of you, Em.”

“Don’t be proud of me yet. I might never go back. That woman does open heart surgery in her office and it’s painful as hell.”

We both laugh before Emily’s expression softens again. “You love Amelia, but I can tell you’re already giving up because you’re scared to death of her being the one to do it first. Don’t push her away and become unreachable because you’re afraid to lose her.”

Damn. She’s right. I am doing that.

“You love her, Noah. Give your relationship everything you’ve got. Really go for it, and make her a priority instead of keeping yourself unattached in case you get hurt.”

“How? She’s going to be all around the world for nine months.”

Emily laughs. “They make these things called airplanes. And if you decide to use one, we’ll be here to cover for you while you’re away. We know how to take care of Grandma just as well as you do. And we’ll make sure the shop runs smoothly, too. Go spend some time with her on tour. Don’t let your breaks apart be so long.”

“You’d really be okay with me leaving town more often?”

“I’ll get used to it. Don’t worry about me so much.” Emily stands and leans over to kiss my forehead. “Also, stop being a grumpy ass and get a cell phone. And Wi-Fi while you’re at it so you can text and send pictures. It’ll help a lot.”

I grumble even though I’m thankful for her input.

“I love you, Noah.”

“Love you, too.” And now, I need to say those words to Amelia again face-to-face.





Chapter 37


    Amelia


There’s a quick three-tap knock on my dressing room door, so I know it’s time.

“Come in,” I yell and the door opens.

Claire steps inside. “Ready?” she asks with a big smile and I return it because having Claire as my assistant has already been such a relief. I feel like I finally have an advocate and a friend in this business. A friend other than my mom, who is hovering around somewhere backstage, flirting with all the stagehands. Our relationship isn’t perfect yet, but it’s getting there. We’re slowly untangling the lies that Susan wove around our relationship over the years. After a little digging, I realized that my mom hasn’t even been accepting money from me the last few years. All those “requests” that came from her through Susan were actually going right into Susan’s pocket. Needless to say, Susan is going to need a really good lawyer.

I also hired a new manager, Keysha, a powerhouse woman who’s been in the business for thirty years managing some of the top artists of my time. But I’ve decided to do things a little different this go-around. I delegate most of my personal-life stuff to Claire (except for talking with my mom, which I do myself now) and leave the big-picture stuff up to Keysha. I really trust Claire. Also, she freaking loves my bangs, so take that, Susan!

The only thing that’s missing from my life right now is Noah. I miss him so much already. I miss that town. I miss his sisters. I miss his hands and his chest and his pajamas and his moody face and his smile and his absolutely everything. We talk on the phone, but not nearly as much as I’d like, and the last few times I’ve tried to call him, I’ve only gotten his answering machine. It’s possible he’s busy, but more than likely, he’s pulling away.

But tonight is the opening of the tour, and I have to focus. It starts in my very own Nashville, Tennessee, playing a sold-out show at Bridgestone Arena. After this one, we hop in the tour bus and go to Atlanta, and then Houston before hopping on an international flight to London. I’ll spend a few months on the international leg of the tour, and then have a short break before finishing with the remainder of the U.S. portion. I know that by the end of all this, I’ll be burned out and exhausted all over again and ready to escape back to Rome, Kentucky, to see my favorite people—but for now, I’m taking care of myself and enjoying the ride.