When Everything Is Blue(76)

I stand so that we’re eye to eye. I wish I knew the magic words that would bring him around, something I could harken back to that would bind him to me, some great father-son memory to make him want to put in the effort to accept me and maybe even get to know me better, but I don’t have it, and even my desire to do so is dwindling. Maybe I’ve always wanted more from him than he could give and in his own way, that’s what he’s telling me now.

“Listen,” I say, “don’t punish Tabitha for this. She needs you and wants to be part of your and Susan’s family. She’s really excited about the new baby, and it would crush her if you cut her out of your life.”

Dad clears his throat, frowns, and studies me for a moment. He nods once and holds out his hand. I take it, and he gives it one hard pump. “It’s too bad it had to be this way,” he says like it’s completely out of his control. I’m a deal gone bad. I’m guessing it’s partly an apology, but mostly it’s a goodbye.

“It doesn’t have to be this way,” I tell him. “This is a choice you’re making.”

My dad’s mouth forms a grim line. He lets go of my hand and walks out to the patio, shutting the glass door behind him. He must not want me to follow him. I turn blindly to find Chris’s arms. I lean my head on his shoulder and he rubs my back, whispering encouragement into my ear, most of which I don’t hear because I’m overwhelmed with the finality of it all.

I could say it’s my dad’s loss, but I know it’s mine too.





BIFFLE


“YOU CAN cry if it’ll make you feel better,” Chris says. His arms are wrapped around me and my face is buried in his neck where we stand in the middle of my dad’s driveway. I think of Uncle Theo just hours ago in this same warm and comforting embrace. What a treasure.

I take a deep breath and release it into his skin. I feel strangely empty. Maybe the tears will come later, but for now I mainly just want to get the hell out of here and go home.

As we break apart, Chris grabs my hand. “I’m really proud of you, T. That took a lot of guts.”

I tear up then, a little bit, not really because of my dad, but because Chris has always been there for me—after every shitty visit with my dad, every argument, every rejection. He’s been the constant in my life, my role model, and my best friend. “Thanks, Chris.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed it.”

I sigh, trying to expel all the bad feelings I absorbed inside my father’s home before climbing into Chris’s car. “I’m glad I did it. Like you said, I made my best case.”

“If your dad doesn’t want to make time for you….”

Chris doesn’t finish his sentence. We both know it’s about more than making time, but in a way maybe it is just that. My dad has never made me a priority in his life, and he likely never will. That’s the cold, sobering truth. At least I can accept it, knowing I tried.

“He might still come around,” Chris says, ever the hopeful one.

“Maybe,” I agree, though I truly doubt it.

“Any time you want to talk about it, I’m here for you.”

“Your dad would have never done that,” I say, not really as a comparison, but as an observation.

Chris’s jaw sets in a hard line, and he shakes his head. “No.”

It’s hard not to take it so personal—the gravity of the realization that my dad really doesn’t want me. It’s going to take some time get over, if that’s even possible. At least Chris was there. I can talk with him about it, and he’ll understand completely. I’m less alone, because I can share the burden with him.

“I’m really glad you were there,” I say to him.

“Me too.” He shakes his head. “Man, I wanted to beat his ass so bad.”

I smile at that. “I appreciate your restraint.”

“What an asshole,” he says, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter.

I wish I could get angry like Chris, instead of feeling all sad and dejected, but I’m just not wired that way. Chris projects his emotions outward, whereas I suck them up and stew on them.

“If you were my son, I’d be totally stoked,” Chris says. “You’re, like, the coolest person, you know?”

My spirit lifts a little. “Thanks, Chris. You always know just what to say.”

We drift into silence, and I get to thinking then about Chris and me, and how, if he’s my boyfriend, we can’t really be best buds anymore, and that’s something I’m going to miss.

“Still thinking about your dad?” Chris asks, perhaps picking up on my silence.

“No, actually, I’m stressing about something else now.”

“You going to make me guess?”

“It’s nothing.”

He pulls into his driveway a few minutes later, and I help him unload our stuff. I pile my bags on the side of his car, then help him haul the boards back to his shed. While we’re in there, he grabs my hand and draws me to him.

“Talk to me, T.” He pulls me in close so our noses are touching, warming me up for a kiss. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to hide stuff from me.”

I hesitate because I don’t want to jinx us or have Chris think I’m not into this 110 percent. “I was just thinking about how, now that we’re together, we can’t really be best friends anymore. And that sucks.”