When All Is Said(37)

‘Well, while she’s out,’ her mother said, coming to stand beside me, ‘me and Michael were just talking and we were thinking that it may not be the best thing for Noreen to meet you today. She can get a wee bit distressed with new people. We’ll tell her you’re about and see how we go, alright? You can wait in the corridor. The Nuns won’t mind that at all, or you can walk in the grounds if you like. They have nice grounds there, don’t they Michael?’

‘Aye, nice grounds.’

‘I just didn’t want to say it in front of Sadie. She can get very upset about Noreen.’

‘Of course. I don’t want to be upsetting anyone. Whatever you think is the best, Mrs McDonagh.’

‘It’s Mary, Maurice. Would you go get herself, like a good man so we can get going,’ she suggested, nodding towards the back door.

I found her behind the shed.

‘They’re ready to go now,’ I said, reaching out my hand to her arm, bending down searching out her face. ‘Are you up to it?’

‘Aye,’ she said, looking as resolute as she could. Wiping away the residue of her tears, raising her two hands to her face, attempting to rub away her upset. I put my arm gently around her waist to guide her to the waiting car.

When we reappeared, her father was already in the car and her mother standing with Sadie’s coat. On seeing her, she didn’t comment on her upset and merely handed over her belongings before insisting I ride up front with your grandfather.

‘Dinky, out!’ she demanded of my former companion. He didn’t protest and dutifully climbed out, his tail between his legs and head bent watching as we all climbed in and my front door finally closed. Sadie’s mother chatted the whole journey; her voice like a radio in the background for that five-mile drive to Noreen, comforting and welcome but to which the rest of us paid little attention.

When we got there, I left them in the car park and took the path around the green in front of the hospital, walking as far as I could before turning to look back at the building. It was huge, monstrous really. About ten times the size of the Dollards’ house. Long and wide with seventy, maybe eighty windows, looking back at me. Chimneys, I couldn’t even count, there were so many, one stretching back behind the other. Turrets and peaks, and a set of big double doors in the front porch. Great thick heavy wooden ones. At another time, with another clientele, the place might have been considered beautiful. But back then it was pure ugly. Grey and dark, its loneliness spilled out of every crevice. Things must’ve gotten pretty bad for Sadie’s mother and father to condemn their daughter to that place, with its ‘nice’ grounds, I thought to myself. One big circle of grass with one tree right in the middle – that was the height of it. Still, I reckoned, if it had been my own child, I might possibly have found solace in the simple things too.

Lost in my thoughts, I could hear shouting in the distance but it was a while before I realised it wasn’t an inmate at all but Sadie, now halfway across the grass, trying to get my attention.

‘You’ll never guess,’ she said, all smiles when she reached me, ‘Noreen wants you to come up. She saw you arrive with us and was upset when you didn’t appear. She kept saying “Him, him, bring him,” and pointing outside. See up there, that’s her room. Isn’t that just great? Mammy’s thrilled, will you come in?’

‘Of course,’ I replied, the two of us already making our way back across the lawn.

I’ll admit I felt anxious. Inside, the building was as dark and dreary as it had promised. Long narrow corridors with closed doors on each side, and an eerie steady hum of machines and voices, pitted every now and again with a loud scream or laugh. At the end of each, residents gathered in communal rooms, overcrowded with chairs and little else. Some sat while others paced. Some rocked as others mumbled. And then some stood perfectly still. Pyjamaed people totally separate in their togetherness. By the door of one of those rooms, a woman sat with her suitcase. Smartly dressed in an outdoor coat.

‘Did you see Frank?’ she asked, holding out her arm to stop me as I passed. ‘Did you see him? He said he was coming. He’d be here today, he said. Is he down there? He’s taking me home, you know. My brother Frank, did you see him?’

Her lipstick had been carelessly applied. And the rouge on her cheeks seemed more liberal than was the norm at the time.

‘Frank? No, I’m afraid I don’t know him,’ I said. ‘He’s coming for you, is that right? I’m sure he’ll be here soon, so.’

‘He’s taking me home today. Frank. Did you see him?’

‘No, Teresa, we haven’t seen him,’ Sadie interjected, taking my elbow and hurrying me on. Turning awkwardly, under the force of her grip, I raised my hand in goodbye to Teresa. But she didn’t see me, having already turned to find someone else to ask.

‘That’s Teresa,’ Sadie said, ‘she’s been waiting for her dead brother for fifteen years now. Waits there every day so Mammy says. Asks the same questions of everyone that walks by. She doesn’t even hear the answer.’

At every door after, I saw Teresa’s painted face. The hopelessness of her fate dogged my steps as I followed aimlessly behind Sadie. Twisting and turning with the yellow speckled corridors, nearly colliding with her when she finally stopped to knock on Noreen’s door.