Unplugged (Blue Phoenix, #3)(67)

“Why? When was the last time I was implicated in anything? Can’t you see he’s doing this to cause problems? He’s jealous!”

“Yes, but I don’t think it’s me and you he’s jealous of.”

Ella. She swings upside down on the climbing frame, her long brown hair hanging toward the ground as she grips the bars with her legs.

“This is about me and Ella?” I ask hoarsely.

“This is about Craig thinking we’re going to take his daughter from him. If you’re not around, I think he’ll show his true colours and drop this.”

Not around.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I say sharply

“Can we pause things for a little while?” she asks in a small voice.

“Pause? I can’t pause, Cerys! It’s bad enough when I don’t see you for a week!”

Cerys stares at the ground. “We paused things for nearly six months.”

“No, we didn’t! That wasn’t pausing. That was losing each other because we didn’t f-ucking communicate!”

“Liam, I’m sorry; I have to think about Ella.”

“What about you? Think about you!”

“I am!”

“Then think about us.”

“I am,” she repeats softly.

“No, you’re not. Don’t you care how I feel?”

The park is quiet, just a few people gathered on benches closer to the playground equipment, but Cerys looks around, uncomfortably. “Of course I do,” she says.

“Look at me.”

“Please, Liam, can we talk about this later?”

“You started the conversation.”

“I didn’t expect you to react like this. You’re away some of the time anyway, just stay away a bit longer next time?”

“Do you understand what you mean to me?” I ask, touching her face but she continues to stare at the grass. “Look at me!”

“Liam.” Her voice is pleading me to stop, but she doesn’t get to ignore this.

“Cerys, I’m in love with you. I’d go to the f-ucking moon and back for you, but I won’t leave you when you need me.”

Cerys wraps her arms around her head and I stare in shock. Doesn’t she feel the same way?

With awesome timing, Ella appears, face flushed from play. “What’s wrong with Mummy?”

Cerys looks up and smiles at her daughter. “Nothing, baby.”

But Ella can see the tears as easily as I can and she scowls at me. “Did you make Mummy cry?”

“No, I didn’t. She’s sad because she worries about you.”

“But I didn’t fall; I’m good at climbing!”

Cerys laughs. “I know. We should go for ice-creams.”

She’s switched off and shut me out so easily. My world shifts from the balanced centre I had with the heart-rending realisation, Cerys doesn’t feel as much for me as I do for her.

We buy ice-creams; but I can barely eat mine, I’m dazed by her out of the blue decision. Nothing more is said and I know until Ella is out of earshot, the topic won’t be discussed again.

Cerys hints at me dropping her and Ella home then leaving straight away, but she doesn’t get away with things that easily. I take them home and position Ella in front of the television. If we talk anywhere downstairs, Ella could hear us so I storm upstairs.

“Where are you going?” shouts Cerys after me.

“Come here and talk to me,” I call back.

Outside our bedroom window, children play on bikes in the street, cars parked in driveways of identical box-like houses. Worlds apart from mine. Have I made a mistake trying to be part of Cerys’s world?

“I’m sorry, Liam,” says Cerys, as she hovers in the doorway, as far from me as she can.

“Every time I tell you that I love you since we came back from the States, you pretend not to hear,” I say.

“I do hear.”

“Then why don’t you ever respond?”

“Now I’m back in reality, I worry if I give my whole self to you, you won’t want me anymore.”

“You have my heart, Cerys. I left it with you at Christmas. Why do you think I came back and I’m still in the UK? I want to be as close to you as I can. I want you.”

Cerys fold trembling hands beneath her arms. “Please, can’t we just pause again?”

“How? How can I pause the way I feel about you? I can’t switch on and off.”

“Then end this.”

“No! You end this if you are sure you don’t love me.”

Cerys runs her fingers through her hair and holds tight. “I do love you! But I love Ella more! I can’t do anything that would threaten her happiness. Ella’s dad already messed around with her life; he’s not doing it again.”

“But what about you? What about your life?”

“She is my life!” Cerys breaks, tears spilling as her face falls into the sadness she’s held back. She slumps onto the bed. “My life went on hold at sixteen; she’s now the centre of my world.”

What do I say? There’s so much wrong here. She stayed with Craig in a loveless relationship because of Ella. Now she’s pushing me away. I don’t believe our relationship is as big a threat as Cerys says. Underlying all of this is her fear of getting close to me.