Unexpected Gift(38)

“Caden, you can’t really think that. You did everything you could.”

“Did I? What did I do? I got there too late. If I didn’t tell a nurse to check on one of my other patients, I could have been there sooner.”

I run my fingers through the ends of my hair, feeling the soft ends. “And that would have been, what? A few seconds at best? Do you really think a few seconds could have really mattered with those injuries? Think about it.”

“No, a few seconds wouldn’t have mattered. He would have died any way, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have tried. I could have done more.”

I wonder if his guilt is misplaced. Maybe he thinks this patient was Brandon. “You can’t save everyone that gets into a car accident, Caden.”

Even from the couch, I see his throat bob as he swallows. He stares down at Posie, who is sleeping peacefully on his chest. “I could try.”

“That’s an impossible goal. You can’t put that on yourself.”

“Why not, Molly? I wasn’t there for my best friend when he died. He had a head trauma. A fucking brain injury. The irony of that astounds me. If he lived in Billings and went to the hospital there, I could have saved him.”

“Maybe,” I whisper, running my fingers over the edge of the mug.

“What?”

“I said, maybe. You don’t know that. You shouldn’t hold all this guilt. I would have loved for you to save him, for someone to save the both of them and Posie wouldn’t be without parents right now. I wouldn’t be without my brother, and you’d still have your best friend, but the world doesn’t work like that. I don’t blame you. No one blames you. The only person that is blaming themselves is you, Caden. And you don’t deserve that. You are an excellent doctor.”

“You don’t know that.”

I tap my fingers against the mug again, internally fighting if I want to show him my deepest darkest secret. “I do, know that actually.” I get up from the couch and stretch, one of my sweater sleeves falls off my shoulder. Caden’s eyes go to the patch of skin showing, and I hide it with my hair. “I’ll be right back.” I walk to the bedroom that is on the main floor, his is on the top. The further away from him I can be in this house, the better. My body starts to betray me at night, and I don’t want him to hear it.

“Journals, journals…” I search for the box that holds all of my scrapbooks and dairies. Most everything is unpacked already, but there are a few stray boxes that will probably stay there for a few months. I hate unpacking, and I have reached my limit. “Ah! Bingo.” I open the box and pull out a large black scrapbook that has a thin layer of dust on it. I made it, but I hardly ever open it to look at it.

My plan was to give it to Brandon in a few years. I tried to keep track of all his and Caden’s accomplishments. I never liked the guy, but he was Brandon’s best friend, so I wanted him to have something with the person he shared the journey with. I rub my finger along the picture of the two them on graduation day from medical school. Inside, I have done way too much research to see how great they really were at their jobs. It was a lot of checking the hospital records and annoying Brandon about their days.

“You can do this,” I say to myself, holding the book to my chest. I never planned on letting Caden see it, but he needs a pick-me-up. This can go one out of two ways. Either he will love it or think I am a stalker. I’m really not. I was just trying to do something sweet from my brother. I clasp it to my chest like my life depends on it, and I walk back out to the living room, but my humility is saved when I see he has fallen asleep. Hopefully, he won’t remember this.

Now that I really look at him, he has dark circles around his eyes. Posie rises and falls in harmony with the rise of his chest. I pick her up and place her in her crib that I have in my room. She will wake up in an hour for some milk. I kiss her forehead and make my way back to the living room and grab a blanket, throwing it over him.

My urges get the best of me and before I can stop myself, I reach for his hair. I’ve always wanted to feel it. Is it as thick as it looks? Or as soft? I pause when he moves, snuggling into the blanket. I let out a breath, hoping he doesn’t wake up. That will be so embarrassing.

My fingers tangle themselves around the brown strands. The ends curl slightly from the natural wave he has in his hair. The strands are like silk, running through my fingers effortlessly, without tangling. My thumb rubs over the apple of his cheek. His stubble scratches the pad of my finger, he looks wrecked, but his beauty is still there, and I am touching him.

I stare at my hand like it has a mind of its own. Oh my god, I touched his hair and face with appreciation. “What is wrong with me?” I whisper, running to my room and throwing myself on the bed. My hand tingles, my nerves are on fire from touching him, and my mind immediately wonders what my entire body would feel like against his.

I snatch the pillow from beside me and put it over my face, screaming all my frustrations in the feathers until I can’t breathe.





Chapter Seventeen





Caden





The scent of oranges invades my lungs, wrapping around my body and my aching shaft. Her blonde hair tickles my chest as she kisses down my torso, licking and nipping the ridges of my abs. Her hands cup my balls, squeezing and rolling them in her palms as she teases my skin with her soft, velvet lips.