To Love and Be Loved(34)

‘And you have, lots of us. And we’ll help you get over this. I promise you, Merrin.’

These warming words were lovely, but not enough to thaw the icy kernel of hurt that had taken root in her stomach.

‘Mrs Everit said everyone is talking about me. The vicar said as much too.’ She felt her muscles tense, shivering despite the warmth. ‘How do I go back to being the old Merrin Kellow without everyone pointing and looking, everyone knowing what’s happened to me, feeling sorry for me?’ Her voice was muted.

‘Time, I guess. Time and waiting for the next person to spectacularly screw up in Port Charles and steal your thunder.’

‘You think I screwed up?’ Her fragile state meant she took the words that had been spoken as a balm and translated them into an accusation; her heart beat a little faster and her sorrow magnified.

‘Only by making the wrong choice, and to be fair, he played it well; even I thought he was half decent.’

She was glad of Ruby’s kindness.

‘What did he have to say for himself? I’m assuming you found him?’

Merrin nodded. ‘It was awful. He was very cool, already a stranger, and it was odd not to touch him or hold his hand.’ Again those darned tears kept coming. With a pain now pounding in her temples, she wished they would stop.

Ruby lay on her own bed and mirrored her sister’s pose. The two stared at each other across the narrow gap, as they had been doing all their lives.

‘He doesn’t deserve you, and no one deserves what happened to you. It was a shit trick.’

‘Yep. It’s funny, Rubes, you know I was never that smart at school, I knew I’d always have to work hard.’

‘That’s always been the Kellow way,’ her sister interjected.

‘I know. And I’m fine with that. I just wanted to be happy. I’ve never been that fussed about a fancy career or money, I know that doesn’t mean success.’

‘For some it does. Like old Ma Mortimer.’

‘Yes, but not me. And when Digby proposed, it was like something opened up inside me, it brought me peace. As though I’d been worrying about my future without really knowing it and then I didn’t have to worry any more, because it was laid out in front of me, and it felt wonderful. All I’ve ever wanted was enough of a wage coming in for the odd luxury, to be able to put food on the table, and a family.’ She felt her gut fold at the image she conjured of her babies, picturing herself in the matriarchal role her mother performed so well. ‘That’s it, really: domestic bliss. I know it’s not always the most fashionable ambition, but I can’t help that.’ She wiped her eyes on the corner of the pillow slip. ‘I felt grateful he’d asked me. He talked of places I’d yet to see and fancy holidays, swish restaurants, travel. All the things that “other people” did. And I nearly became “other people”. I loved him, Ruby – I love him.’ The admission made her voice catch. ‘Marrying him felt a bit like taking a short cut into the life I wanted: a comfortable life that meant I could make a wonderful home and raise my children. And we would have done it right here in Port Charles.’

‘You’ll build a different future. You can still have all of that, just not with that prick.’

‘Maybe.’ She felt the dream slip from her, knowing that to give in to that kind of love, that kind of promise, was too risky. She would never put herself in this position again. Never.

‘Go to sleep. Close your eyes and go to sleep. I’ll sit right here and I won’t leave until you wake. Try and rest, Merrin Mercy.’

‘Thank you, Ruby. I do love you.’ She closed her eyes, which felt full of grit, and wished she could sleep for a hundred years.

‘I love you too.’ Despite her whirring thoughts and broken spirit, it was the last thing Merrin heard before sleep claimed her.



Merrin woke the next morning and lay still in the bed. Her night had been fretful with regular wakeful interruptions to sob into her pillow or stare out of the window, where every corner, every wall, every patch of grass and every lane held an image of her and Digby together. It was almost more than she could stand. With her head still pounding and her eyes swollen, she looked over at her sister.

‘Morning.’ Ruby stretched. ‘Tea?’

She nodded. ‘I’ll go make it and bring it back up.’ It felt like the least she could do after her sister’s wonderful support the previous evening.

‘Well, I don’t feel so bad about still having to share a room with you if this is the service I can now expect.’

Merrin, still in her jeans and t-shirt, pulled her hair into a ponytail and rubbed her eyes before slowly treading the stairs. Pausing in the little hallway, where the front door was, as ever, thrown wide, she looked through the crack in the parlour door, steeling herself to face her parents, who were no doubt still wanting to ask questions and offer solutions, neither of which she felt strong enough to address. Merrin laid the flat of her palm on the cool, wide stone wall and couldn’t help but think of this time yesterday – the air of excitement, the anticipation of a new life about to begin – and yet here she was, back to square one, but with her heart and faith bruised. Once again this fact hit her squarely in her chest like a flying object.

Her dad was, she noticed, sitting on the battered narrow sofa in front of the fireplace.