To Love and Be Loved(33)

‘Only hours ago I would have sworn that would never have happened to Digby and me, Mum. He said he loved me with a madness. William Shakespeare said something similar.’

‘Why would we give a rat’s arse what some old dead bloke might think? Or what bloody Digby thinks, for that matter!’ her dad harrumphed.

‘What I’m trying to say, Merry’ – her mum stood and shot her dad a withering look, doing what she did best, smothering any flame of discord before it took hold – ‘is that your life is still waiting to be lived, girl, and you have to wring every drop of joy from it! And when you do find that proper, forever kind of love, treasure it, don’t be reckless with it and never take it for granted. It will come to you, I’m sure of it.’

Her mother’s words were well meant but Merrin could not see herself ever loving again. Not ever.

‘Anyway, enough words about love, Merrin.’ Heather sat forward and twisted the fabric of her nightdress in her hands. ‘Did you see him?’

‘I did.’ Merrin felt the strength leave her legs and sank down on to the rug in a heap. ‘Oh, Mum! I hear what you say about love, but how can I have got it so wrong? How can it be that he doesn’t love me? Doesn’t want me? I don’t understand! I know it’s true, but I can’t believe it’s true!’

‘Oh, little love, I wish I could take all of your hurt away.’ Her mum knelt next to her and stroked her hair while her dad paced and murmured with murderous intent.

‘Why,’ she hiccupped, ‘why did this happen to me?’

‘Because you picked the wrong boy, Merry, that’s all. It’s his loss, his bloody loss.’ Her mum spoke convincingly.

‘It hurts.’ Merrin screwed her eyes shut, finding momentary relief from the salty sting of tears.

‘And it will. For a while, but not for ever.’

She remembered the vicar’s similar words. ‘I feel so stupid. Everyone is talking about me.’

‘Probably.’ Hard as it was to hear, she liked that her mother didn’t offer any dishonest platitude to ease her thoughts. ‘But that, too, won’t last for ever. And I expect more people are talking about him and what a big mistake he has made. There’s many who will have judgemental thoughts about what he’s done to you, sweet girl.’

She felt an irritating flash of concern over his safety, burying it quickly under the memory of handing the ring back to him.

‘Do you want something to eat? A hot drink?’ Her mum offered familiar solace in the way she knew how.

Merrin shook her head. ‘I just want to go to bed.’

Heather kissed her forehead and Merrin let her dad hold her close before slowly climbing the creaky stairs on legs that felt like lead and with a weakness born of fatigue that made the task feel almost impossible. She paused at the top. The bedroom door was open and the first thing she noticed was that Ruby had tidied up. Merrin’s bed was neatly made with fresh bed linen and the cover turned down invitingly. The make-up, the plates littered with toast crumbs and the dirty laundry had disappeared. The narrow strip of carpet had been vacuumed and the window opened to let in a fresh breeze. Three pink roses had been placed in a bud vase on the table between their beds. Ruby stood in the doorway of her parents’ room to allow Merrin space. It was an act of kindness so moving and it meant all the more that it was Ruby who had performed it.

‘It looks lovely. Thank you,’ she managed, as another batch of tears fell.

‘You look so sad.’ Her sister reached out and let the burnt lock of her hair fall through her fingers.

‘I am.’

‘Go to bed. I’ll stay right here with you.’

Merrin nodded, glad of the fact that she was not going to be alone. She climbed under the cotton counterpane they favoured in the summer months. The pillow was soft and welcoming and the smell of fabric conditioner pleasant. She found that by concentrating on these small things she could subdue her pain.

‘Where’s my dress?’ She remembered abandoning the voluminous frock.

‘I packed it away and put it back in the box it came in. It’s under Mum and Dad’s bed. It can stay there till you decide what to do with it. Sell it? Burn it?’

Merrin let out a small murmur of acknowledgement, unable to think about the best course of action right now, unable to think about much coherently; her thoughts were erratic, jumbled and edged with sadness.

‘I thought I’d got rid of you; I was looking forward to having this room to myself.’ Ruby tried to lighten the mood.

Merrin stared at the ceiling, trying not to picture the four-poster bed at Pencleven Court and the real fire she had been promised. She blinked, wondering when the longing for Digby might stop and how she could reconcile this feeling with the knowledge that they were over.

‘It’s like I’m dreaming, Rubes.’ Rolling on to her side, Merrin pulled the cover over her shoulder. ‘I can’t believe how in such a short space of time everything changed.’

‘I’ll never forget your face coming out of the vestry with Mum and Dad supporting you.’

Merrin watched her sister’s face crumple.

‘I’m sorry I went to look for him. I didn’t want to upset you, but I was angry.’

‘Don’t worry about it, Ruby. I’m lucky I’ve got people who care about me.’