To Love and Be Loved(24)

‘Ruby might have nipped out.’ Bella turned her by the shoulders until she was facing the small back window between their beds and began to undo the fiddly little buttons. Merrin stared out at the yard, which adjoined her gran’s yard next door via a rickety wooden gate. She pictured her and Digby kissing right there on the back step before saying goodbye only a day ago.

‘One more sleep . . .’ His words full of promise as he had pulled her towards him, running his fingers through her hair, as flames of desire warmed her from the inside out. ‘I can’t wait, Merrin Mercy Kellow!’

‘Has she gone to find him?’ Concern dripped from the question.

‘I don’t know.’ Bella kept her voice small and withering, rubbing furiously under her nose with her finger, as she did whenever she had to tell a lie.

‘Why does she have to stick her oar in? I just want to go and talk to him and figure this out without all the bloody drama!’ Merrin yanked at the bodice quicker than Bella could undo the buttons.

‘Keep still! Every time you pull forward I drop the little loops and have to start again. I think it’s too late for anything to be done without drama today. And the reason your sister is sticking her oar in is because he’s done a shitty thing to you and she loves you. We all do.’

‘I know that, Bells, and I love you all, but he’s my fiancé and I know there will be more to it; he’s not a bad person, something must have happened.’

‘Or maybe he is just as I described him: a coward and a knob.’

Merrin shook her head. ‘He’s not. He’s lovely and I love him and I know he loves me.’ Her mouth twitched into the beginning of a smile at the thought of him and she prayed she spoke the truth. She knew Digby, knew him better than anyone else, and could so easily recall the words whispered in the darkness as they lay together on a mattress, her head on his chest, their fingers entwined. ‘I can’t wait to grow old with you, can’t wait to have decades behind us as an old married couple. It’ll mean we have memories, history . . .’

Bella undid the last of the fiddly buttons and the voluminous dress dropped to the floor, filling the space between the two single beds with reams of frothy material, which Merrin had to clamber over, kicking to free her feet, which got caught in the fabric.

‘Well, if he’s as lovely as you say, then maybe you two will sort everything out, but no person on this earth is worth sacrificing yourself for. Don’t ever stop being you and don’t ever bend so far to accommodate someone that you break. Do you know what I’m saying?’

Merrin pulled on the long-sleeved t-shirt that she had slept in the night before and stepped into her jeans, which were soft with too much wear and in need of a wash, both retrieved from a pile at the end of her bed.

‘I do know what you are saying, and I love how much you all love me, but you have to trust me.’

‘I do, but . . .’

Merrin wished her friend would hurry up; she wanted to go and find Digby. Impatience made her jumpy.

‘Don’t you feel a bit angry at being left in the church like that? The vicar had to send everyone home, Merry! The whole bloody thing is awful!’ Bella let her shoulders rise and fall, as if knowing her words were inadequate.

‘I’m aware the vicar had to send everyone home, and no, I’m not a bit angry.’ She shook her head, speaking softly. Her words, despite her urgent need to leave, were slowly found and delivered. ‘I’m totally destroyed. Totally. It’s like I’m dreaming. I’m hollow and gasping for air, desperate to find out the truth, to understand the reason, and I can only do that by looking him in the eye and hearing it from him, and only then might I be able to process it, because if I don’t’ – she put her fingers in her hair – ‘I just might lose my fucking mind!’ Her voice was reed thin. Without warning, her gut bunched and her throat tightened, and she bent forward and retched, aiming her mouth over the wastepaper bin that was full of tissues covered in the make-up Ruby had wiped from her face, heaving until a thin and inadequate bile dribbled from her.

‘You’ve nothing to bring up, love. Should have had a bacon sandwich.’

Merrin straightened and wiped her mouth on her sleeve. ‘I’m clinging on, Bells. But only just.’ Her voice quavered.

Bella placed her hand on her friend’s shoulder. ‘I understand, Merry. I do understand.’

Merrin took a moment to steel herself before rushing down the stairs, where she stopped in the parlour to shove on her trainers.

‘Where are you heading off to, lovey?’ her mum asked, as she, her dad and her gran sat around the table, their wedding outfits quite incongruous to the moment. They all stared at her, transformed now from bride to their ordinary daughter in her jeans and t-shirt as if it was any other day, which is exactly what it had become.

‘Just think, I should be tucking into my roast beef about now,’ her gran lamented, sidetracking the conversation. Her comment didn’t help and again Merrin felt the bite of nausea.

‘I’ll go make you a sandwich, Ellen.’ Her mum stood and rolled her eyes.

‘I’ll have a sandwich, if you’re making, Heather.’ Her dad rubbed his stomach.

‘I shan’t be long, I’m going to see if I can find him and then I’ll come straight home.’

‘I wish I knew what to do, Merrin, what to say.’ Her mum voiced her thoughts. ‘But I really don’t. I don’t know whether I should be telling you to stay home or trying to make it better or getting mad on your behalf, or going up to the house to have it out with Loretta; I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.’ She unpinned the elegant lavender-and-heather corsage from her coat; it had started to wilt.