The Summer of Sunshine and Margot(55)

By nine, he was hard at work. By ten, half the hedge was gone and he had sweated through his clothes, which he didn’t care about, but he also couldn’t get Sunshine off his mind, which he did.

What was it about her? After over a year of not wanting anyone, why did he have to want her with the kind of desperation that left him feeling both powerful and asinine? Was this what Iris had been talking about when she’d tried to explain her affair?

He still remembered the shock of her telling him there was someone else. He’d had no clue—he’d thought they were happy together. Sure they’d been in one of those down times when they were each busy and Connor required whatever attention they had left over, but didn’t that happen to everyone? Not every relationship was perfect every second.

Only she hadn’t seen it that way. She’d been so calm, he remembered, as she’d told him she was seeing someone else and it was serious. She wasn’t sure it was love, but the passion between them was unlike anything she’d experienced before.

He’d been so angry, so disbelieving she would throw away something as significant as a marriage for the fleeting pleasure of passion. She’d told him her feelings consumed her and he’d reacted with contempt. He’d been disdainful even as he’d fought against a rage he couldn’t fully explain.

Later, when they’d tried talking about it again, he’d demanded to know if she was leaving. She’d surprised him by telling him she wasn’t sure she wanted to lose her marriage. He’d nearly thrown her out then, but for reasons he still couldn’t explain, he hadn’t. Probably because he hadn’t wanted to put Connor through the trauma, and maybe partly because he didn’t want to deal with it, either. Not if things were going to be all right in the end.

So they’d continued with their separate lives for nearly a month. Then she’d come to him and told him it was over. That she and her passionate lover were no longer together. She hoped she and Declan could patch up their marriage and grow stronger from the experience.

He’d still been angry. He’d told her it was going to take him some time to work through everything and she had told him that was fine. What he hadn’t known then was she’d already been diagnosed with cancer. What he hadn’t known was she had told her lover about her disease and that he’d left her. Rather than be alone, she’d decided to return to Declan. He hadn’t known that Iris had chosen the other man and when that hadn’t worked out, she’d decided that second best was enough.

He continued to tear through the hedge, digging out roots and tossing them onto the growing pile.

She hadn’t said a word about being sick. He’d noticed she was losing weight but had assumed it was because she was missing the other man. Perhaps part of it had been, but he was pretty sure it was mostly the cancer.

More time had passed. A few months. Gradually his rage had faded until he could look at what they’d had and realize it shouldn’t have been enough for anyone. He’d seen they weren’t in a good place and to make things better, to make their marriage stronger, they were both going to have to change. He’d told her he was willing to give it another try, and in response she told him she was dying.

In his head he understood why she’d waited. She hadn’t wanted him to take her back because she was sick. But in his heart and his soul and his gut, her withholding that particular truth was the greatest betrayal. Far more than simply sleeping with someone else. Once she’d known she wasn’t going to make it, she should have told him the truth. And she hadn’t.

He reached the end of the hedge and turned around to look at the destruction. The soil was dark and rich in contrast with the green grass. He knew what he wanted to plant here. He and Connor would tackle that the following weekend. Just like they’d hung on to each other as Iris had died. Connor had kept him going for months, but Declan was now willing to admit he needed to get on with his life.

The back door opened and Sunshine walked out, a tall plastic glass in each hand. It was maybe seventy-two and sunny. She was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. Neither were tight, neither were the least bit provocative, and yet all he could think about was how desperately he wanted her. Wanted not only what he couldn’t have, but wanted a woman who found pain in the wanting. Life was nothing if not ironic.

She smiled when she reached him. “You’ve been very busy this morning.”

“I’ve been putting off the job too long. The hedge was taking over.”

She handed him the first glass. “Water because you’re probably dehydrated. Did you put on sunscreen?”

“Yes, I did.”

He took the glass and downed the contents. She handed him the second glass.

“Strawberry lemonade. Connor and I made it together. We used the Vitamix. I’ve never used one before. It’s fantastic. I think I have a crush on it.”

“That’s weird, even for you.”

“I know.” She held the empty glass. “Sooo, Connor has a playdate with Elijah. I know what you said, but I still think you should consider meeting his mom. I think you and Phoebe would get along.”

He didn’t want another woman—he wanted Sunshine. But even ignoring the fact that she wasn’t into anything short term and he didn’t know what love was anymore, she was his son’s nanny and therefore off-limits.

He hadn’t had sex in a year. It was probably past time he got himself out there. Honestly, what was the worst that could happen?