The Rabbit Girls(52)

‘It sounds like you have had a terrible time,’ Eva says, leaning forward.

‘He wouldn’t let me sleep until I had achieved it. Thirty minutes,’ Miriam says, her voice trembles. ‘That was all. But he wouldn’t let me sleep. I was begging him, just to allow me some rest and I could do it,’ she whispers. ‘I was sure I could do it.’

Miriam felt the ache in her neck from looking up at Axel, she felt the skip in her heart as the black spots came over her vision, she screamed at herself, just a few more minutes.

The egg timer was down to five, she could see it.

Five more minutes and it would be over. It ticked, like a clock, but faster, like the heart of the chicken.

Tic-tick-tic-tick-tic.

Five more minutes and she could rest, she could sleep.

‘So, what do you think?’ Axel asked.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I think yes.’ She had no idea what she was agreeing to, the complexities of his argument were beyond her scope. There was no room for anything else. Just stay upright. Just keep standing.

‘Woah,’ Axel said, holding her by the shoulders as she fell into him, eyes closed, trying to come back. The black circles surrounded her.

He sat her gently on the sofa, their sofa. Their new-beginning sofa. And brought her a cup of water from the kitchen.

‘How are you feeling?’ Concern etched into his face.

‘I’m very tired, Axel, can we do this some other time?’

‘Do what?’ he asked.

‘The discussion. I agree to what you said, but can we resume it, if you have anything further to ask me, perhaps tomorrow?’

‘What discussion, my love?’ He looked so confused she placed a hand on his cheek.

‘The – the egg timer, the focus on . . . I am just really tired,’ she said.

‘Miriam, where have you been?’ His voice was quiet.

‘Right here,’ she stuttered. ‘I felt a bit faint talking to you.’

‘We talked and I went to bed hours ago. You said you were coming up, but I came back to find you here, talking to yourself, mumbling about something you had lost. Have you lost something?’

Miriam shook her head until the black spots came back into her vision. ‘No. We were talking, you made me stand . . .’

‘I made you stand?’

She nodded.

‘My dear, why would I do that?’

She had no answer. But she could feel his words worm their way into her and muddle what she thought she knew.

‘With the timer, I felt faint.’

‘I was asleep, you woke me, again, with your muttering. I think,’ he continued, ‘this might be another of those moments we were talking about at the doctor’s the other day.’ He stood up and walked away.

‘No,’ she cried and stumbled after him, falling to the floor. ‘No, Axel, please.’

The mechanical whirr and then the click of the camera propelled her into the foetal position. ‘No,’ she cried.

The camera wheezed out a picture and Axel flapped it in the air. ‘As the doctors say, we need to collect evidence if we can have a hope to help you.’

Miriam didn’t move. The carpet spun around her. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry, Axel.’

‘It’s all right, my love. In sickness and in health. It’s bedtime, my wife,’ he said in a lullaby voice. ‘Shall I carry you up?’

When she said nothing, he walked out of the room. She heard his footsteps pound on the staircase.

‘Don’t be long,’ he called.

She opened her eyes and looked up to the mantel. The camera was there and next to it, right beside it.

The timer.

‘And?’ Eva prompts after she falls silent.

‘I was medicated,’ she says. ‘No one believed me. I didn’t believe myself. I am sorry, it has nothing to do with the letters, the camps. I am being ridiculous.’

Eva opens her mouth to say something but Miriam interjects.

‘I need to check on my father,’ she says, shrugging away the heaviness in her neck and shoulders. ‘I’ve been sitting too long,’ she says to herself.

‘Are you all right, Miriam?’

‘I am tired, so tired.’

‘Would you like me to go?’

‘If you would like to,’ she says, and supports herself on the wall feeling light-headed. ‘I need to check on Dad.’

‘You’ve had a very long day,’ Eva says, following Miriam into the hall.

She walks towards her father’s room and Eva moves towards the door.

‘Thank you for making it better,’ Miriam mumbles and watches Eva’s shadow retreat into the hall.

Later, Miriam washes the dishes, her hands performing a mundane task as her mind wanders, skips and jumps to the details in the letters.

She picks up a bottle of red wine, thinks again and replaces it, instead opting for the open packet of codeine. She imagines swallowing the bitter-tasting pills.

Lingering at the window she looks down at the street, a shadow crosses the path. Axel. Closing the curtains so that the rings clatter on the pole, she checks the door is locked. Checks her feather is there. Miriam lifts one of the chairs from the living room, it is heavy and she waddles it so that it rests behind the door. ‘He’s back,’ she says, turning the lock, again.