The Rabbit Girls(47)
Confused as to where the conversation is heading Miriam interrupts. ‘But there is nothing wrong with the current arrangement.’
‘Frau Voight. I am aware you are not taking your medication,’ Dr Baum addresses her in what she knows is his sympathetic tone. ‘I can understand you may well be feeling . . . well, you might naturally find yourself in an unnatural state.’ He sighs and looks to Axel who nods conspiratorially, then continues, ‘A state of mind that cannot manage the nature of the discussion that is taking place.’
‘Why can things not be as they are?’
‘The meeting here, today, is testament to the fact Herr Winter’s current situation, or environmental care, if you prefer, is not appropriate.’
‘Isn’t it?’ she challenges. ‘He is safe, yes he’s dying, but he’s doing so in his own room, in his own home, with his daughter by his side. This isn’t forever, it may not even be for tomorrow. Let me care for him, please. Besides, I have Hilda.’ Confidence she does not feel comes out strong in her voice, but once she has finished, her breathing is ragged and her blouse is stuck to her skin.
Dr Baum takes a deep breath and looks to Hilda. ‘Okay, nurse, what is your position?’
Hilda leans forward as Miriam rests back in her chair.
‘I think Miriam is doing an amazing job, but I’m sorry, I have to agree. I think as Herr Winter is stabilising he may need more long-term care and the pressure put on Miriam is high. I would suggest the hospice is a suitable alternative.’
‘Hilda?’
Hilda turns in her chair. ‘I’m sorry, Mim, you did an excellent job when your father had the seizure, but,’ she lowers her voice and Miriam becomes aware that everyone is watching her, Axel just across the table, ‘it looked like you had drunk an entire bottle of wine, and you’ve missed two appointments with the doctor, one I escorted you to.’
Betrayal, harsh and brittle, snaps Miriam into speech.
‘I am caring for my father, that is what I should be doing. Not taking medication that makes me numb or dribble or sleep.’
‘I have to say, that alcohol is in itself a substance which some may define as numbing,’ Dr Baum interrupts. ‘And I cannot think that any medication that would lessen the paranoia or psychotic episodes is any worse than being inebriated.’
Miriam recalls the snakes in her stomach; only a dream, but the scissors . . . the scissors were not.
‘You say you care for your father,’ he continues. ‘But being drunk does not show any of us that you can put his needs before your own.’
And like a runaway train, the meeting continues. Miriam has nothing to say. Eventually Dr Baum draws this unique form of torture to a close.
‘The matter is decided, Miriam. I am sorry you do not like the decision, but Herr Winter will transfer to Ruhwald Hospice at the earliest opportunity.’
Axel shakes Dr Baum’s hand before holding the door for the note-taker and disappearing behind it.
‘Can I go now?’ she asks Hilda.
‘Yes, Mim, you can leave. I’m sorry, the transfer to the hospice will probably be tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow?’
Axel meets her in the corridor and places his arm around her shoulders.
‘Not what you wanted, eh?’
She doesn’t speak and they walk out of the medical centre together. Her hands seem to swell and sting as the cold air hits them. Rain patters lightly on the cars.
She walks on. Axel follows.
‘Go away.’
‘Not until you are safely at home.’ He pushes open the door an older man is waiting to enter, Miriam skips past the old man and out into the car park. The man drops a bag as he walks past which stops Axel from leaving.
‘Let me help you with that,’ Axel says, bending to pick up the bag.
While Axel is helping the old man, Miriam backs away. She moves behind one car and then another. The gated car park has a pedestrian exit. She sees it. She takes one look at Axel, shaking hands with the man who thanks him for being such a ‘gentleman’.
She turns for the gate and runs.
Her breath runs hot in big gasps through her body. She sees the bus, its green outline means a way out. It’s about to pull away from the stop, she just makes it and bangs on the door. Miriam tries to calm her impatience as the door wheezes open. Not looking back, just focusing on the bus, she steps on as soon as the gap of the door is big enough for her to slip through.
Her fingers trip and fall to find the change. The driver rattles out a ticket for her and she sits on the lower seats back to the window and sinks low.
19
MIRIAM
Pushing the heavy main door open, the familiar smell of polish, carpet and air freshener greet her. She is home. She checks behind her again; he is not here.
She heads to the carpeted stairs. Feeling the weight of tears promising to fall, needing to escape. Miriam rushes up the steps, desperate to lock herself safely away.
Up the stairs, key in hand, she sees Eva sitting on the floor opposite her door. Miriam exhales a breath that judders.
‘Hi, I hope it’s okay, I thought you might want company today.’ Eva has two shopping bags of food in front of her. ‘As Jeff told you, I have nothing to do,’ she says with a smile, ‘so, I bought some food.’ Miriam folds herself to the floor. Her legs too heavy to move another step.