The Rabbit Girls(51)

At roll call Hani joined me under a clear sky at the Appellplatz, where we stood for hours before soup. The guards counting us, recounting us, making us stand. If anyone fell they would start again.

‘It always takes longer in winter,’ Eugenia whispered in my ear.

‘Longer than this?’ I asked, and she nodded.

I was about to relay this to Hani, but she had a deep frown on her face and avoided my eye.

I held her hand, but she pulled away.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘You lie,’ she whispered. Then, ‘You lie,’ shouted loud enough for the guards to look at us. Eugenia told us both to be quiet and the silence returned.

Hani shifted from foot to foot, her hands clenched then unclenched as she crossed and uncrossed them. Whatever the matter with Hani was, it would boil over, and soon, I thought.

Finally, the roll call over, we walked back into the block. ‘What is the matter?’ I said.

‘You. You are the matter,’ she said, and grabbed my arm. ‘You NAZI!’

‘Hani, shut up. What are you talking about?’ I whispered as I collected soup from the vat into my bowl and pulled out the spoon attached to my dress.

‘Paulo and Brigitte, you know them?’ she asked, still loud, collecting a ladle of soup, but pulling away too fast so that it spilled down the side.

‘No.’

‘The children, little baby children, you chose Paulo to be attacked.’

I tried to explain to her. To tell her that I hadn’t made the decision. That I had been asked, but the guard had chosen to attack Paulo. Hani was upset.

‘He has marks over his back. You say you help them find their grandmother. They go for help and they find you. You tell Kommandant you help her. You choose Paulo to take your punishment. You SALUTE!’

‘Hani. Shut. Up.’ I said. Her voice carried and it felt like everyone was watching us.

‘You liar, you lie to me, again.’

‘No, I didn’t mean to. Please keep your voice down and I will explain.’

‘Give you time to lie again?’ she replied. ‘Who are you? You look like a picture postcard. You could be Nazi.’

I touched the top of her arm. ‘Please, listen.’

‘Don’t touch me.’

‘Fine, but listen and I’ll explain.’

She quietened, but I didn’t know what to say. We were surrounded by people, although talking in Dutch, still you never knew who was listening.

‘The children,’ I said. ‘How do you know they are telling the truth?’

She slapped me clean across the face. It didn’t hurt my skin, it was a slap to the stomach, ice cold, followed by a stare. It’s the worst attack I’ve ever experienced. It stung my heart more than my face.

‘I love you, I trust you,’ she sobbed. ‘You leaving, is that it? Leaving me here?’

‘No, but I did try to leave,’ I said. I was trying to eat soup. An hour before I’d felt famished, but now I could not stomach even a spoonful. I slid it over to Stella, who took it happily.

‘Can I share with Bunny?’ she asked, and she took the bowl away back to the bunk. After we both watched her leave, in hushed whispers I told Hani everything.

She was silent.

‘Please talk to me,’ I begged.

Hani finished her soup and walked away without a word.

She hasn’t said another word to me. I have been frozen out. She is asleep with her head where our feet normally go. I have lost something I didn’t know I had, nor earned. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone. I don’t know if she’ll forgive me or if I deserve it. I suppose tomorrow will tell.

‘The letters.’ Miriam takes a deep breath. ‘It’s just so incredibly sad.’

Eva walks to the table, placing the folded dress on it.

Miriam smooths her fingers across the coarse fabric. ‘It’s awful to imagine such conditions,’ she says. ‘And the letters keep reminding me of things.’

Miriam tries to find some words to describe what she means. Eva waits.

‘Like the standing in Appellplatz,’ Miriam begins. ‘My husband used to set a timer, you know, like a cooking timer, he’d read about it somewhere, to help us work out some issues we were having. He’d have his say then I could have mine, I think that was how it was supposed to work.’

‘He timed you?’

‘Yes. I cannot remember what issues they were now. But I had to stand, while we talked, so that I could give him my full attention. If I teetered or swayed he’d reset the timer.’ She can hear the mechanical crunch as the egg timer, in the shape of a chicken, was wound back up to thirty – always thirty – minutes.

Eva’s face changes and she sits opposite Miriam, folding her hands on to her lap.

‘It got worse and worse,’ Miriam says. ‘There was no way I could do it. It sounded so simple. Just stand and we can talk. He did it, stood and talked to me. But I had to look up at him and well, I just kept coming over all wobbly.’ Miriam glances at Eva. ‘It’s not anything like this,’ Miriam says, lifting the letter in her hand. ‘I’m . . .’ She runs her fingers along the stripes of the dress.

‘Miriam,’ Eva says.

She doesn’t look up. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean even for a second to compare this to . . . what the rabbit girls went through, or the letters, my father even. It just reminds me of things, that’s all.’