The Perfect First (Fulton U, #1)(79)

He looked up at me with tears welled up in his eyes. He held on to my shoulder and squeezed.

“I lost your first three years, everything from right after your mom told me she was pregnant”—he snapped his finger—“gone. I didn’t remember resting my head on her stomach like I did with Ethan or holding her hand in the delivery room…the first time I got to hold you in my arms…you smashing your face into that sugar-free cupcake she made you on your first birthday.”

A tear slid down his cheek.

“All your firsts were wiped away. The coaches wanted me to keep going. The doctors were willing to sign off on me going back to playing, but I couldn’t take the chance. I was so ashamed that I’d even considered it, but I kept wondering what else I would lose. I didn’t want to lose any more of you, your mom, or Ethan, so I quit. I walked out of the coach’s office and left. I didn’t look back, and I’ve never regretted that decision for a second.

“When you wanted to play, that was hard for me. I knew you’d be a star. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. You loved the game and loved the crowds, even when you were in high school, but I didn’t know if, presented with that choice, you’d make the one you wouldn’t regret the rest of your life. Sometimes memories are all we have, and there’s no amount of money in the world that can get those back.”

My dad stared at me with tears in his eyes. His hand closed on my shoulder. His nostrils flared. So many of the things my dad had said growing up finally clicked into place.

“The photo albums?” I stared into his watery eyes. He never looked at my childhood photo albums. Ethan and Rebecca’s, he’d pull out every so often and look at, but mine gathered dust on the bookcase.

He jerked back. “You noticed that?”

The weight pressing against my chest intensified.

“After the first few times I looked them over, there was nothing, not even the slightest flicker. The guilt was too much. Looking at them reminded me of the trade I’d made. My stupidity robbed me of that time with you. Every so often I’d check Ethan and Rebecca’s as a test for myself to make sure it hadn’t progressed and become even worse. For you, I was determined to build new memories I’d treasure.”

“You made me think you didn’t believe in me.” I jumped up, knocking his hand off my shoulder. “For years, I wanted you to just watch me play, and you refused.” The crushing waves of sadness that had overwhelmed me now let a ray of sunlight break through the raging storm.

“I couldn’t watch, even for you. I love you and to know you might go through what I went through…I tried to save you from that.”

“By not telling me? By lying to me? You could have told me.” Tears burned the backs of my eyes. All this time, I’d thought he didn’t believe in me or he was jealous of what I’d been able to do. “I just wanted you there to support me and be my dad.”

He shot up and wrapped his arms around me, holding on to my shoulders. I buried my head in his shoulder, and the wave of emotions poured out of me.

“I know, son. I’m sorry. I messed up, but I’ve always been proud of you.” He shook me with his words. “I’ve never been prouder, and I’m sorry I ever made you feel that way. I’ll do better.” He held on tight, patting me on the back.

With a shaky breath, I let go of him. My head pounded and I used my shirt to dry my face.

My dad clapped his hand on my shoulder. He squeezed it, staring back at me with red-ringed eyes. “How about I get you a slice of fudge pie?” The corners of his mouth lifted.

“You think you can make everything better with a slice of pie?”

He shrugged. “How about two?”

I shook my head at him. “Deal.” Everything I’d known in the world was turned upside down and I didn’t know how to make any of it right, but I’d start with the pie. His memories of me and the family had been the most important thing. He’d given up the fame and the glory to keep the ones he had and make new ones. If someone had told me all the memories I had of Seph would be wiped away tomorrow and I’d be none the wiser, I wouldn’t have even toyed with the idea.

I’d been trying to fight what she meant to me, and only now that I’d lost her did the truth come out. I’d figure it out over fudge pie. I couldn’t leave things as they were. I couldn’t let her believe I didn’t care, couldn’t let her believe I didn’t love her.





*



My gaze ran over the crowd and stopped on the red coat in a sea of navy. Her hair stuck out of the red knitted hat, blowing in the wind. My heart ached like it was caught in a vise.

Bodies slammed into me, this time in celebration. The Gatorade dumped over my head blinded me for a second. Wiping the sugary drink out of my eyes, I caught the red disappearing up the steps of the stadium and out the tunnel as everyone else celebrated. She was leaving.

“Coach, I’ve got to go.” Pulling my jersey off, I dumped it on the concrete floor of the tunnel. The cheers and roars from everyone and some jackass with an airhorn nearly blew out my eardrums.

“What, son?” He leaned in.

“I’ve got to go.” I tugged off my pads and dropped them, moving along with the crowd as they pushed us toward the locker room.

“Are you crazy? We just won! Everyone’s going to be out there waiting to talk to you. You’ve gotten on my damn nerves this season with your showboating, but you did good out there, kid.” He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me in close.