The Perfect First (Fulton U, #1)(77)

“I can come with you.” She swung her legs off the side of the bed.

“No.” The word came out too forcefully.

She jumped and froze, half on, half off the bed. I wasn’t trying to scare her.

I shook my head and sat on the edge of her desk, shoving my feet into my sneakers.

“Reece, talk to me.” Her hand landed on my arm. I dropped my shoulder so her hand fell free, and snatched up my shirt from the desk chair. It was getting harder to breathe.

We’d always used protection, but what if Seph did get pregnant? What then? It wasn’t that it scared me; that wasn’t what was making me run. It was that it didn’t scare me. I was twenty-two and way too young to have kids. I’d be drafted and away from her and our child. My lips thinned to a grim line.

Stop talking about your hypothetical children.

Stop thinking about how much it would suck to be away from her and them when you’re on the road.

Stop thinking this is more than we both agreed it would be. My dad was fucked up, and her dad was beyond fucked up—how would I even know how to be a dad? The same room-dimming, hard-to-breathe panic slammed into my chest. Before, with Celeste, I’d known it was bullshit, but with Seph, it was different. What if she did get pregnant? I nearly dropped to my knees. We had no idea what it took to be parents. Seph’s psycho dad had her afraid to make a single mistake. My dad made me feel invisible. I needed to get out of there.

“This is all too much. We set ground rules in the beginning. You’re leaving at the end of the semester. I’m headed into the draft.” My head pounded as blood rushed through my veins and made it hard to focus. I buttoned my jeans and grabbed my coat off the back of her door. “Now is not the time for me to get distracted.”

A gasp shot through her parted lips and she jerked back. “Are—are you breaking up with me?” Her voice cracked.

“I just think we both got so wrapped up in everything, in your list and having fun that we’re not thinking clearly and rationally.”

“You sound like me.” Her small laugh held no humor and couldn’t cover the tightness in her voice.

“I’ve got the Championship game and then it’s the draft. I’ve been dreaming of this my whole life—starting on a professional team, winning a championship—and getting sidetracked will only screw things up. I’m not letting anything get in the way of my plans.”

“Including me.” She stood in the center of the room with her arms wrapped around her waist.

I wanted to claw back everything I’d said at the stinging pain in her eyes. Every fiber of my being shouted that I should wrap her up in my arms and tell her I was sorry, the same voice telling me this was a mistake and I was an idiot. What did any of that matter? The cheering stadiums, the fans, the draft. This was what had stopped my dad dead in his tracks. I wasn’t going to live a life of regret. I couldn’t do that to myself, and I couldn’t do that to her. This was for the best. This was what we’d both decided in the beginning.

Her lips tightened into a thin white line, all the color draining out of them. Those pink, soft lips I’d trailed my thumb across so many times, the same ones I’d tasted like they were my last meal on earth.

She blinked, staring at me like she was seeing me with new eyes, maybe for the first time.

I clenched my hands into fists at my sides to keep from reaching for her.

“Of course.” She shook her head like she could knock the thoughts from her mind, the silly thoughts of me and her. Reaching behind her neck, she tugged on the silver chain draped down over her collarbones, the same ones I’d had my lips on minutes ago. “You should have this back.”

“Seph, no. I gave that to you.” I stepped forward, reaching for her hand.

She stepped back, evading my grasp. I swallowed the lump in my throat. She undid the clasp and let the chain and pendant fall into her hand.

“Keep it,” I said softly.

Staring up into my eyes, her tears caught on her lashes like rain. “Why would I want to keep it when it’s not true?” Her voice cracked.

“Of course it’s true.” Fuck. This wasn’t about her. If it were, I’d have never left her bed, but I didn’t want to wake up in ten years resenting her because I’d held myself back to be with her. Did Dad ever feel that way? No, but how could he not feel it? How could you give up something you’d worked for your entire life just to be with someone?

Her nostrils flared and she shoved the still warm metal into my hand. “You can go now.” Her throat worked up and down, tightening like she was holding in a scream.

Everything I’d thought this was and everything I’d convinced myself it wasn’t evaporated. “Seph…” I reached for her. She brushed past me, storming to the door and wrenching it open.

“Please leave.” Her voice quivered and I squeezed my eyes shut, dropping my head.

Turning to her, I closed the gap between us. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“And I was just looking for a first fuck, remember?” She pushed on the door, banging it into my shoulder until I was completely locked out. The latch clicked as she shoved it closed all the way.

Her roommate stood in the kitchen. The clink of her spoon against the side of her mug ticked away each second, a smug look on her face as the weight of what I’d just done sank down onto my shoulders. It was heavier than any drill, any tackle, any loss.