The Perfect Child(31)
Allison came up to me while we watched them play. “She’s adorable,” she said, holding a beer in her hand. I could never get her to share a bottle of wine with me despite all my attempts over the years. She insisted nothing was the same as an ice-cold beer after a long day.
If anyone could understand how difficult parenting was, it was her. She loved to tell people how she hadn’t slept for a year after the twins were born, and I didn’t think she was exaggerating because I’d never seen her so stressed. There were days she still looked ready to pull her hair out.
“She’s definitely not what I’d pictured.” She cast me a sideways glance like she was questioning everything I’d told her before about how difficult Janie was.
I took a sip of my wine and laughed. “Maybe she just doesn’t like us.”
EIGHTEEN
CHRISTOPHER BAUER
Hannah and I sat sipping our drinks at one of our favorite restaurants downtown. Our parents were only going to be in town for a few more days, and they’d insisted we take a night out for ourselves. It was the first time we’d been out without Janie since she’d come to stay with us.
“Do you feel guilty leaving her?” I asked.
“I should, but I don’t. Does that make me a terrible mother?” She giggled. She’d already had two glasses of wine, and she always got tipsy after two.
“I don’t either. I thought I would, but I feel good.” I scanned the restaurant, eyeing all the other couples in the room—some of them having a great time, others obviously arguing but trying to keep it together since they were in public. “It feels normal, like any other couple with kids taking time to be alone together. I’m so glad things are finally settling down. That was the craziest month of my life.”
Lillian and my mom had been taking turns sleeping with Janie. Lillian had suggested it the first night they’d been here, and I’d told her it wouldn’t work because Janie only slept if I was in the room. Most nights we all slept together like we were having a big sleepover, but nobody got much sleep. I wasn’t sure which was worse—being woken up by Janie’s bloodcurdling screams or her staring down silently while we slept, the anger radiating off her. I was convinced she was sleepwalking, but Hannah was sure she was awake. Rhonda said it didn’t matter either way because it was common in people who had been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder.
Lillian had begged me to let her try, and I hadn’t argued since stubbornness ran in their family. I’d been shocked when Janie hadn’t fought it and had gone to sleep easily. My mom had done it again the following night and had been just as successful. A night of sleep had made me feel like a new man.
“I had no idea it was going to be this hard. It’s not like people didn’t warn us, but I guess you really don’t know what it’s like to be a parent until you become one, huh?” Hannah smiled at me. It was nice to see her relaxed, the lines on her forehead smooth. “It’s getting a little better, right?”
I grabbed her hand from across the table. “It’s only going to keep getting better.”
Just yesterday I’d prevented a meltdown by getting Janie to use her words to tell me what she needed instead of going berserk. This morning she’d done it with Hannah without even being prompted. The gains were small, but they were happening. All her therapists gave positive progress reports.
“I love taking her outside. It’s like Christmas for her every day. I wish we would’ve known how hard it would be for her to be at home.”
She was a different girl when we left the house. She transformed into a sweet, loving child and took in everything around her with amazement. She loved interacting with other people and experiencing new things, always full of questions. Strangers commented on how well behaved and adorable she was.
I flagged down our server for the check, not wanting to stay out too late since I knew my mom wouldn’t go to sleep until we were home. “Are you sure you’re okay with me going back to work on Monday?”
Our time together had gone by so quickly. Hannah and I had taken an additional month of family leave so we could all be together as a family. Hannah would continue her maternity leave for another two months while I went back to work. We had discussed having me take the same amount of time, but in the end, we’d decided it’d be best for the two of them to have that time alone together so they could bond.
“I wish you’d quit asking me that. We’re going to be fine,” she said.
She was secretly excited for me to go back, although she’d never admit it. Not even to herself. Janie always came to me first for everything, no matter what. With me gone, it’d force her to go to Hannah for things. Hannah had a list of things they were going to do together and tasks she was going to teach Janie, starting with her ABCs.
I reached across the table and grabbed her hand, squeezing tightly. “I really love you.”
“I love you too.”
NINETEEN
HANNAH BAUER
I texted Christopher again. I was at my wits’ end, and he still hadn’t responded to me.
Janie won’t talk to me.
Christopher had left for his first day back at work two hours ago, and so far, Janie hadn’t spoken to me once. She was sitting at the coffee table in the living room coloring in one of her favorite coloring books, and anytime I tried to talk to or interact with her, she ignored me like she was deaf.