The Perfect Child(27)
During our infertility journey we had agreed to stop trying once I reached forty and accept our childless fate because neither of us wanted to raise children when we were older. We wanted to be able to run freely after balls and play tag with bodies physically fit enough to do it and didn’t like the possibility of not being able to see our grandchildren grow up. We’d celebrated my forty-first birthday this past year and decided we’d stretch our limit to forty-three. Janie was going to take years of work to stabilize. There was just no way to make it work.
He waited a few minutes before speaking. “I understand that you want a baby, and I’ve always felt the same way, but I think we need to really think about this before we say no to it. For years, all we’ve wanted is a baby. It’s consumed us. And now?” He lifted my head up with his fingers so I would look him in the eye. “It’s like the universe had a special plan all along and just dropped her in our lap. You don’t feel that at all?”
“I do.” Every part of me wanted to help her, to give her a perfect home and wash all her pain away, but adopting her meant giving up my dream. I would have to say goodbye to the possibility of ever having a baby to hold in my arms. I’d already let go of carrying a baby and having one that was our biological child. Could I give up another piece of my heart?
I didn’t know if I could. I wanted the tiny fist wrapped around my fingers and the new baby smell. I longed for the experience of cuddling my child against my chest as I fed him or her and the joy of every first.
“What about the father?” I asked, grasping at straws.
“There’s no record of a father on her birth certificate.”
“I already know that. That’s not what I’m talking about. Her father is somewhere out there, and we know nothing about the guy. What if it was him? What if he comes back for her?”
“Her dad isn’t coming back for her. He probably doesn’t even know she exists.”
“You don’t know that. What if years down the road he decides that he wants her and comes looking for her? The only way I can do this with Janie right now is because it’s temporary, so I don’t allow myself to get attached like it’s permanent. But if I thought we’d be her forever parents? Everything would be different. Everything.” My voice cracked.
He took a strand of my hair and tucked it behind my ear. Concern was written all over his face. “I understand your fears. All of them. Look, it’s been a really long day. Super emotional. Let’s just give it a rest for the night and not make any big decisions, okay?” He rubbed my cheek with the back of his hand. “Just think about it. No pressure. I’ll be okay with whatever decision you make.”
And for the next few days, he tried to be patient. He left me alone, never even brought it up. But I knew it was eating away at him. He wanted Janie as much as I wanted a baby, and he was right—we were the perfect parents for her. I couldn’t argue with him about that. She was going to need ongoing medical care for a long time, and no one could manage it better. Social services wouldn’t find a better match.
I grieved the loss of my faceless babies. I did it alone because Christopher didn’t understand. It wasn’t his fault. No man understood what it was like for a woman not to have a baby to hold. I didn’t like to cry in front of other people, so the shower had always been my sanctuary. I’d spent hours crying in it after my miscarriages, and it wasn’t any different now. I let the torrent of sobs rip through me as the water pounded against my bare flesh, turned up so hot it left red marks on my body when I was done, like I’d broken out in a bad case of hives.
I brought it up the following night since Christopher grew more anxious with each passing day even though he still hadn’t mentioned it again. I couldn’t stop thinking about adopting Janie either. It was the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before I went to bed.
I waited until Janie was engrossed in a movie so we could sneak into the kitchen without her noticing our absence. She hated being alone, especially at night. I took a seat on one of the barstools, and Christopher quickly did the same, knowing we only had limited time before Janie lost interest in whatever was playing on the screen. She’d been with us for almost two weeks and hadn’t made it through a full movie yet.
“I’m ready to talk about adopting Janie again,” I said, not wasting any time. His face lit up. He was bursting to say something but held himself back, letting me go first. “Being Janie’s emergency foster care placement is one thing, but becoming her parents is entirely different. Our whole life is going to be disrupted, and I’m not sure you’ve given thought to all the problems she’s going to have. Look at what we’ve already seen, and I’m sure that’s only the beginning.” I took a deep breath, choosing my words carefully. “Sometimes I think you let your emotions with Janie cloud your thinking, and I just want to make sure you’re thinking about this rationally.”
He jumped in as soon as I paused. “Of course she’s going to have problems, but that’s exactly why she’d be such a great fit for us. We have the time and the resources to help her in ways nobody else probably can. Any new family would be up against a steep learning curve trying to figure out her medical issues, but I’ve been on her case from day one and followed every piece. We’d be able to make sure everything got followed up on and nothing was missed. It’d be a seamless transition for her services. Plus, she would have our undivided attention because she wouldn’t be in a foster home with other kids running around.”