The Perfect Child(28)
“But what about her emotional issues? We have no idea how child abuse syndrome plays out over time. Piper said her case is one of the worst that she’s ever seen.”
“I don’t expect her to be able to function like a regular kid any more than you do. It’s going to take time, but think about it, Hannah—she’s still so young and has so much time to heal. There’s going to be a ton of work initially, but there might come a day when she’s totally normal.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Do you really think she could be normal?”
Christopher reached over and took both my hands in his. “I do. Look at how well she’s done in such a short period of time with only a little bit of love and attention. Imagine what she could do in a real home with two parents who loved her and were willing to do whatever they could do to support her. We could take our family leave time like we planned to do when we got a baby and put all our focus on helping her adapt and adjust.”
It made sense, and there was something beautifully poetic about it. That wasn’t lost on me. But my heart still ached.
“I don’t know, Christopher. How is this any different than what we talked about with the foster-to-adopt kids?”
We’d spent most of our evenings this past year cuddled up next to each other on the couch with our laptops open, flipping through hundreds of pictures of kids and reading their stories. I’d had no idea there were so many kids up for adoption. There were kids who had been in foster care for years, sibling groups begging to stay together and not be separated. Other children with severe physical disabilities or who had been abandoned. No matter what their stories, they had one thing in common—all of them were searching for their forever families, and their stories were heart wrenching.
Kids in foster care came with a host of problems that we didn’t want to deal with. Most of the kids were drug addicted or exposed, had been medically neglected, or had pretty significant disabilities. We didn’t want to be saviors. We just wanted to be parents.
“But we never met any of those kids. Maybe if we had, we would’ve felt differently.”
“Maybe,” I said, but I wasn’t convinced. The closer I got to saying yes, the further away my dreams of a baby went. “Have you even considered the danger we are putting ourselves in if we become her parents? We don’t even know what happened to her. Isn’t it a huge risk if someone comes back? Do you want to always be looking over your shoulder? Are you ready for all that?”
He nodded. “Of course I’ve thought about all of that, and yes, I’m willing to take the risk.”
“Even if it means putting me in danger?” It came out without thinking. I was desperate.
He balked with offense. I quickly added, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I would never knowingly put you in danger, Hannah,” he said, swallowing his anger to avoid a fight. “If I really thought someone was going to come after Janie again or do something to hurt you, I wouldn’t consider it, but I don’t think that’s the case. I’ve always believed the police are going to catch whoever did this to her and put them away. I still think that. They just haven’t found the person yet. That’s all.”
“It might not be that simple.” I sighed. Janie giggled from the living room, and my heart flooded with warmth like it did each time she laughed or enjoyed something. I couldn’t deny how much she already meant to me. “I need more time to think about it.”
He jumped up from his chair and stood in front of me. “Hannah, that’s just it—we don’t have time. They’ve already scheduled another family to come meet with Janie on Tuesday, and they have another one on the calendar for next week if that one doesn’t work out. What if this is our chance to have a beautiful family and we never get another one?”
“Can you at least give me a few more days?” I asked.
He nodded, searching my face to see if his argument had moved me. I struggled to keep my face natural and maintain my composure.
“I’m going to take a shower,” I said.
I headed to our bathroom before he could say anything else and turned on the shower. I couldn’t hold my tears back any longer, and they slid down both cheeks as the room filled with steam. I stepped inside, sliding the glass door shut behind me. I had never met a child who needed a home more than Janie. There wasn’t a kid in any of the profiles Christopher and I had looked at who needed love more than her. I knew what I had to do, what I wanted to do—but it didn’t make the pain of what I was giving up any less.
I had told Christopher to take Janie for a walk until I texted him to come back home. He’d looked at me strangely but had gone without question. I’d been rushing around the house trying to get everything set up as quickly as I could ever since. I decorated the living room with balloons and draped a banner over the fireplace that read CONGRATULATIONS—IT’S A GIRL. I ordered our favorite sesame chicken and set it on the dining room table. I placed a fresh bouquet of daisies in our best vase in the center of the table. It was perfect.
I texted Christopher:
You can come home now.
I flung open the door when I saw them walking up the sidewalk. Christopher was giving Janie a piggyback ride.
“Hi, guys. I missed you,” I said.
“Been like this for the last ten blocks,” Christopher said. He was trying to pretend he was annoyed to be carrying Janie, but his eyes smiled.