The Passengers(58)
‘I’m sure he’d still miss you.’
‘Yeah, he might do. But not wanting to hurt him isn’t enough for me to remain here. Nothing is.’
What about me? Libby wanted to say, but she held her tongue. ‘You have so much to live for …’ she began and stopped herself mid-sentence. She reminded herself that pointing out what someone with depression has to live for would not make a blind bit of difference to their mindset. ‘I’m sorry,’ she continued. ‘That’s not what you want to hear.’
‘Not really, no.’ Jude offered her a genuine smile. ‘But thank you.’
‘Why have the last few months been so bad?’
‘A lot has changed since we saw each other last. I lost my job, I’ve struggled to find another one; I was evicted from my flat because I couldn’t pay the rent and I’ve been living out of my car. I keep myself clean in supermarket bathrooms, I shower at the community swimming pool when I can afford it and most of what I eat comes from foodbanks or leftovers from supermarket bins. I’ve lost my self-respect and my confidence and, above all, my fight.’
Libby brushed away a solitary tear that fell down her cheek and rested on the corner of her mouth. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be. It’s not your fault. I cannot find a way out of how I’m feeling. And even if by some miracle there was, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing, no one, is enough anymore.
‘But what if I’d never left the pub that night? Things could’ve been different.’
‘It was just make-believe, wasn’t it? This, now, – me here, you there – this is our reality. Part of me wishes I’d died the next morning and at least I’d have gone out on a high.’
‘Then why didn’t you?’
‘Because the thought of seeing you again gave me hope.’
‘I’ve been through this before,’ Libby said suddenly. ‘My brother, Nicky. He was tormented by mental health issues. He thought the same as you, that no one would miss him if he died. But we did and we still do, every single day.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Jude. ‘I didn’t know. What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?’
‘He suffered a head injury playing rugby at school when he was fifteen. He landed awkwardly which started a bleed on his brain. He was in a coma for the best part of a month and when he finally came out of it and he began to recover, it quickly became obvious that he wasn’t the same brother I’d grown up with. Like you, he lost his confidence, he was either choked by anxiety or swallowed by depression. He kept telling us that he wished he’d died on that rugby field. Years later and after his fifth suicide attempt, he disappeared so far inside himself that we couldn’t find him. We were forced to have him placed in a secure unit for his own safety. The day he was released, we brought him home and, only a few hours later, he hanged himself in his bedroom. I was the one who found his body. Nicky is the reason why I chose mental health nursing. I was too late and ill-equipped to save my brother, but I can help others.’
‘You can’t save Nicky through me, Libby. It’s not fair to put that pressure on either of us.’
‘I’m not saying that I could. But I’m telling you I won’t give up on you.’
‘You deserve an equal, Libby, someone who can treat you as well as you treat them. And as much as I’d love to be that man, it’s just not me. You’d have a patient, not a partner.’
‘That would have been my decision to make, not yours.’
Jude gave her another of the calming smiles she cherished. ‘Whoever you eventually invite to be a part of your life, they will be a lucky, lucky man, Libby.’
Jude’s lips moved as if he were saying something else, but there was no sound. It was only then that she noticed the countdown clock had reached zero. She had done her best to save the life of a man who didn’t want to be rescued.
Chapter 42
The Hacker was the first to break the stillness of the room.
‘So, members of the jury and social media. Each of your Passengers has presented their own version of themselves to you, some of whom have made claims that I have contradicted with truths of my own. Now it’s your turn to make a decision. One Passenger will survive, while the others will collide head-on in approximately forty minutes. You must now make a decision on who to save, before your vote is joined by that of the public and the sole survivor’s name is revealed.’
Libby anticipated a post-script; a revelation about Jude that he had failed to admit himself. But nothing came. The Hacker had asked for honesty and Jude had been the only Passenger to give to him, even if it meant losing support from anyone else.
‘Libby, we should make a start,’ said Matthew gently, interrupting her thoughts. She turned to find that, behind her, Muriel and Fiona had moved their chairs so that they were all around the same desk. They had left a gap for her. She looked at each of them in turn and then up to the wall and took in each of the final five. Turning once more, she nodded to Matthew and drew in her seat. Jack sat a few metres away from them close to the door.
‘How should we approach this?’ Fiona asked. ‘Because unless anyone has a better idea, I think we should talk through them one name at a time and see where each of us are lending our support. And I’m sure some are going to be easier than others.’ With the exception of Jack, they agreed. ‘Shall we begin with Claire?’ Fiona continued. ‘Who will be offering her their vote?’