The Lost Man(80)

‘Harry said that too.’

‘You should listen to him.’ A pause. ‘Who knows? Your friend might be looking for you.’

‘Melanie?’

‘Is that her name?’

‘Apparently. I don’t remember her very well.’

‘She remembers you.’

‘Well.’ He smiled and shrugged. ‘Can you blame her?’

At last, Ilse smiled back.

Nathan pushed his chair aside. ‘I should probably go back, though,’ he said. ‘Otherwise Harry and Xander will notice I’m missing and read something into it.’

‘Well, good luck,’ she said. ‘You might not need it as much as you think.’

‘Maybe. But –’ He could still hear the chatter through the door. ‘It’s what you said. I haven’t seen most of those people in years. And maybe they can forget what I did, but now I’m supposed to just forget what they did? It’s been ten years. Xander’s suffered, my livestock, someone poisoned my dog –’

Ilse looked up at that. ‘Really? That’s how Kelly died? I didn’t know that.’

‘Yeah.’ Nathan said. ‘Not that anyone believes me.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because there were no other reports of baiting. Glenn and Xander think I’m paranoid.’

Ilse swung a little in her chair. She was frowning. ‘Wait. Remind me. When was this?’

‘About eighteen months ago.’

‘Bub went through a phase of baiting dingoes last year.’

Nathan stilled. ‘Did he?’

‘For the bounties. He was talking about moving away and trying to save his money. Cam told him not to do it around our own stock, of course. But Bub was still bringing home a lot of scalps so it was obvious he was doing it somewhere. I thought –’ She stopped. ‘Cam said he was going to warn you.’

‘Well, he didn’t.’

There was a silence. Nathan could feel pressure building in his temples and his neck and shoulder muscles were tight.

‘I thought I was losing my bloody mind,’ he said. ‘I thought I’d imagined it.’

‘No.’ Ilse looked at him and slowly shook her head. ‘No, I don’t think so. I’m sorry, Nathan.’

‘And before you try to tell me Cam wouldn’t have forgotten on purpose –’

‘I wasn’t going to say that.’

‘Oh.’

‘No, actually, I expect Cam probably did do it on purpose.’ Ilse’s gaze was clear and steady. ‘He could be a bit funny about you. And he wouldn’t overlook something like that by accident.’

Nathan couldn’t think what to say to that.

‘But listen.’ Ilse sat forward in her seat. ‘Try not to be too angry with Bub, okay? For what it’s worth, he must have felt bad about it because he suddenly stopped baiting overnight. He didn’t say why, but it was like he wouldn’t touch it anymore.’

Nathan felt the tightness spread from his shoulders to his chest. Out of the window, Bub was no longer anywhere in sight. The fence by the graves stood empty. He didn’t trust himself to speak.

‘I’d better go.’

‘Stay,’ she said. ‘If you want.’

‘No, it’s okay. Thanks.’

‘Just –’

‘What?’

‘Whatever you’re thinking of doing, please don’t do it now. Not with all these people here.’

Nathan stood at the door.

‘Please, Nathan. Leave it for now. For me.’

He stepped out. The hallway was quiet and he shut the door behind him and bent down. As Duffy licked his face, Nathan thought about the day that Kelly had died. It had felt like the beginning of the end in a lot of ways. It was after that that he’d let his gun licence lapse, and he’d turned off his radio for good, and he’d stopped answering his phone to the point where Harry had put the satellite tracker into his hands and ordered him to check in daily. I’m okay; I’m not okay.

Nathan definitely did not feel okay right then. After Kelly died, he had felt his fingertips starting to slip. He had been holding on for so long and it was too hard and he was just tired. He had felt himself, for the first time, simply giving up. Not all at once, and not entirely willingly, but a little at a time, slipping away, day after day.

And while this was going on, his bloody brothers had known all along what had happened. Nathan looked left towards the busy living room and right towards the yard outside. He’d well and truly missed his chance with bloody Cam, but where would Bub be? Behind him, the office door was still shut. He took a deep breath and made himself think about what Ilse had said. For me.

He pictured her, still sitting at her desk, and the bell in Nathan’s head rang again, suddenly so close and clear that it took him by surprise. Ilse at her desk, working late into the evening after all those long and busy days laid out in her planner. And suddenly Nathan knew what the daily checkmarks were in the bottom corner of her diary.

Nathan had always assumed it had been Liz who had sent Harry over with the satellite tracker. Two buttons. I’m okay; I’m not okay. Each night he pressed the same one, no matter how strong the urge was to do otherwise. He didn’t think it was even monitored anymore; no-one had ever mentioned it again. But he pressed the same button every night anyway, if only for himself. I’m okay. The same message, sent up by a fragile beam into the night sky. Shooting up to a satellite, then falling all the way back down to Earth. A connection through thousands of kilometres of space. He stood outside the office door, with Ilse on the other side, and for the first time in as long as he could remember, he didn’t feel so alone.