The Falling (Brightest Stars, #1)(76)

“It’s so messed up of me to be rude to you right now. Let’s not talk about my brother tonight? I’m sorry. We’ve . . . well, you’ve been through a lot. I’m really sorry for the way I responded. I know you’re coming from a good place,” I reassured Kael, reaching for his hand to calm me. I hesitated with my hand hovering above his, tempted but timid. His fingers reached up, wrapping around mine. They were warm and familiar, threaded through mine, and I felt grounded again. I didn’t know if he would let go or not, but if he did, I would respect that and not touch him again. He didn’t, though; he rearranged our fingers so he would drive safely, but he didn’t let go.

“I’m sorry for all of this. Really sorry. I can’t believe what just happened. You must be traumatized.”

“Enough saying sorry. I’m used to trauma.” He relied on humor to soften hard things, and it worked.

“I’m serious. You did nothing wrong. By standing up for my brother, you got forced into a shitty and dangerous situation. It’s so fucked up how they have a little bit of power and they abuse it. We should have stayed at dinner and let Austin figure it out. You didn’t have to rescue him.”

“That’s my job. Literally. To protect the freedom of civilians.” He smiled. He was being sarcastic, but his words were still somewhat true. The irony wasn’t lost on me.

“Do you really think that’s what you’re doing? In the Army?” I hesitated to ask, afraid that my words would come off as insulting. I didn’t mean them that way, and I knew how sensitive a topic this could be for him. If he didn’t respond, I would change the subject and not pressure him. But if he did, I’d be grateful for the insight into his beliefs.

He didn’t answer right away, so I counted my breaths while he turned the truck on and blasted the heat. It was so loud and blew cold air that hadn’t warmed up yet.

“I can’t speak for every single service member, but I know that I try to do what’s right, with good intentions. When you put enough humans in the same place, there are going to be some bad ones. But in my case, I never went out of my way to hurt anyone, I never abused my power like some do.” The look on his face was one of a lost boy. A soldier away from war, but still not at home.

Nothing I could say would match the gravity of what he was saying. A simple Thank you for your service wouldn’t do.

“And you’re still willing to die for the cause?” I asked.

He lifted our connected hands to his lips. He kissed the back of mine and I closed my eyes. A small comfort.

“Yes,” he said. The word felt like a flame against the back of my hand.

“Please don’t.” I opened my eyes to see him staring through me.

“It’s not like I plan to. But there’s—”

I interrupted him by moving our hands to cover his mouth.

“Let’s keep it at that,” I begged. I couldn’t think about him going anywhere except across the state of Georgia.

“Deal.” He leaned back against the seat. “For now, at least.”

I didn’t want to read too much into his comment. It felt like a warning so it made me pause, but I blocked myself from digging into it. I focused on him. On his warm eyes, his careful and callused hand holding mine. Even inside of the eye of a storm, he could make me feel like I was safely planted. It was all about perception, and mine could have used a dose or two of reality. But instead of searching for the ground, I was floating in the sky with the brightest star of all. My mom’s voice echoed in my head as I leaned over and kissed Kael: The brightest stars burn the fastest, so we must love them while we can. She told me that only once, but all these years later I still remembered it.

I touched his cheek with my free hand, running my fingers over his skin. The soft scar tissue above his eye, but below the fresh cut there, the harshness of his jawline.

“Are you okay, really?” I asked, loading the question this time with extra meaning.

He laughed a breath through his nose and looked straight out of the windshield. “Maybe someday I will be.”

“Let’s go home?” I asked Kael, no longer wanting to pressure him with conversation.

He nodded in agreement, and I hoped he would come in and stay the night of his own accord, without me having to ask. We drove home in the most peaceful silence. My eyes closed again, and by the time we made it to my house I was dreaming of a place where I could keep Kael safe.





CHAPTER FIFTY




I don’t know what I’d do without my job. It wasn’t only about paying bills—although God knows there was that. It was about turning the key in the front door, switching on the lights, making sure we had fresh towels and were stocked with oils. Each little task took me out of myself and helped me connect to the world around me. I was sure of my skills as a massage therapist and proud of what I could do to help people disentangle the knots of their own lives. I needed that more than ever today, as I tried to disengage from the anxiety that hadn’t gone away from last night. One minute I was listening to music with Kael and the next I was being interviewed by aggressive military police.

Mali understood why I was late. She had urged me to take the day off when I called to tell her what had happened, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Kael didn’t stay over at my house after all. He didn’t even come inside. He woke me up, walked me to the porch, and touched his hand to the top of my arm as his good night. We were back to just friends now that the moon was replaced by the sun.