The Dilemma(15)

‘No, you’re alright.’

‘Josh, when do you want me to move you to Bristol?’

‘It’s alright, Dad, Nelson’s lending me his van.’

Nothing, just a barrier between us that we’ve never managed to breach. Until now, if only I can find the right thing to say.

I bend down and ruffle Murphy’s fur.

‘I’m really sorry I trashed your fort that day.’

‘It was years ago, Dad.’

‘Maybe. But it’s still there between us.’

‘Only because you let it be. You knocked my fort down. It’s not as if you beat me or anything. You need to let it go.’

I can’t look at him. ‘But you’ve always resented me because of it.’

‘No, I’ve resented the way you tiptoe around me. That’s why I needle you – I’m trying to get a reaction. I just want us to be normal.’

‘I’m not sure I know what normal is.’

‘It’s this, Dad. Having a beer and a chat and being honest.’

Can it really be that simple, I wonder?

‘Anyway, I’m glad you trashed my fort,’ he goes on.

I straighten up. ‘How do you work that out?’

‘Because we wouldn’t have had Murphy otherwise. That’s why you bought him for me, wasn’t it? He was a peace offering.’

‘Yes.’

‘Except you didn’t tell me at the time. I thought you just bought me a dog, especially as you bought Mimi for Marnie a week later.’

‘Only because she made a fuss about not having a pet of her own. Why – would it have made a difference if I’d told you Murphy was to make up for trashing your fort?’

‘Maybe. I mean, if you accept a peace offering, you’re kind of accepting to make peace, aren’t you? Communication, Dad, it’s all about communication.’

We sit in silence for a while, finishing our beers.

‘I’m glad you accepted that internship in New York,’ I say, deciding to communicate how much it means to me.

‘Right,’ he says. ‘Shall we have another beer?’

‘Good idea.’

I sit there, waiting for him to go and fetch them.

‘Go on, then,’ he says, nudging me.

‘What?’

‘Go and get the beers. It’s your turn.’

Such a small thing. But as I make my way to the kitchen, it feels amazing.





Livia


Kirin turns off the main road into an all-too-familiar street and my heart immediately starts beating faster.

‘What are we doing here?’ I ask, trying to hide my alarm.

Kirin laughs. ‘Picking up Jess, of course!’

‘She’s coming with us?’

‘Yes! We wanted it to be a surprise.’

I take a minute to digest the news, to control my emotions. I’m glad Jess is coming, of course I am, she’s my oldest friend. But it’s become complicated.

‘Will she be alright?’ I ask Kirin. ‘It won’t be too much for her, will it?’

‘She’ll be fine. But she doesn’t want to drive anymore, which is why we’re picking her up.’

As we pull up in front of Jess’s house, I take my bag from the floor and rummage inside, feeling awful that I didn’t know she no longer felt up to driving. But how could she tell me when I haven’t seen her for weeks?

‘I need to send a text,’ I say apologetically, taking out my phone.

Kirin snaps off her seatbelt. ‘No problem, I’ll go and get her.’

I keep my head bent over my phone, listening to her footsteps as she walks up the path. There’s the peal of the doorbell and for a moment I forget to breathe. Then I hear Jess saying hello, the front door closing behind her, and the two of them coming back down the path, chattering excitedly together. Only then do I get out of the car.

‘Jess!’ I say, as she walks towards me, leaning heavily on her stick. I give her a hug, careful not to knock her off balance.

‘Happy birthday!’ she says, hugging me back.

‘Thank you. It’s so lovely to see you!’

‘It’s been a while,’ she says softly.

‘I know and I’m sorry. It’s been a really busy time, with the party and everything. Here, let me help you.’

‘I’m fine sitting in the back,’ she protests.

‘Don’t be silly, you’re going in the front.’ I take her arm, helping her in. She seems frailer than I remember and worry stabs at me.

I’ve known Jess for years. We were at school together and I was with her the night I met Adam at a friend’s party. Adam was with Nelson and although Nelson was the one with all the jokes, I was immediately drawn towards Adam, not just because he was amazingly handsome in the way most boys his age never are, but also because of the way he looked right into my eyes when he spoke to me. His eyes have always mesmerised me; they’re the most beautiful grey, and Marnie has been lucky enough to inherit them.

By the end of the evening, we’d arranged to go out as a foursome the following week and I couldn’t wait to see him again – until Jess asked me if I’d mind if she paired up with Adam. He must have been looking into her eyes too, I realised miserably. But seeing him with Jess was better than not seeing him at all, I decided, and Nelson was a lot of fun to be with. And it was only for an evening. We went to a club – something my parents would have forbidden if they’d known – and I found myself alone with Adam. He admitted later that he told Nelson he’d only go on the date if Nelson agreed to babysit Jess for the evening, so that he could be with me.