The Crow King's Wife (The Elder Blood Chronicles #5)(31)
“I hate seeing you like this, but I find relief in it at the same time. I had begun to think Jala had died and the only thing left was Lady Bendazzi.” Shade said quietly as he slid forward on the bed to sit cross-legged in front of her. “Look at me.” He ordered gently and she slowly raised her face to meet his eyes. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and he brushed them away gently. “I was your first friend right?” Shade asked quietly.
Jala swallowed heavily and nodded slowly. Her hair was a tangled mess and by the look of her face this was not the first tears she had shed tonight. He brushed a stray curl back from her face and smiled faintly at her.
“We have hit a few rough patches in our friendship. I have made some bad choices, and you followed a few paths I didn’t agree with fully, but here we are, and we are still friends through it all. So if you can tell anyone what is bothering you then it should be me. It’s obvious you aren’t talking with anyone else about it or you wouldn’t be in this state.” Shade said in the softest tone he could muster. By rights it should be Valor sitting in his place, and he wondered if that was the problem. Given the luck Jala had with love he hoped it wasn’t. He doubted she would let anyone close to her again if she parted ways with Valor.
“I miss him.” Jala said quietly and a flash of guilt crossed her face with the words. “And I have no right to say that. I am practically married and I shouldn’t be pining for someone that never loved me to begin with, but I am.” She admitted in a voice that was barely a whisper. “It feels like I killed him, and since I lost him I have shed more blood and killed so many…” her voice trailed off and she wiped at her tears. “When I think about how much it hurt to lose him, I begin to wonder how many I granted that same pain to when I killed all of those people. How many hearts did I break? How many lives did I utterly destroy?”
“And in that line of thought dwells madness Jala. You can’t let your mind wander in that direction.” Shade chided softly. “You have to focus on what you have now, and not what you have lost. You have to look at those you saved rather than killed. You rebuilt three lands if you count Tevonale, and you returned thousands to life. If our deeds are truly balanced in the end, Jala, you scale is sitting with the good outweighing the sins, I promise you that.”
“It doesn’t feel like that at all.” Jala objected and sniffled quietly. “I did something very bad Shade.” She began and rubbed her face once more. “And I don’t know how to make it right.”
“Well spit it out and let’s put our brilliant minds to the task of solving the problem.” Shade said with far more optimism than he actually felt at the moment.
“I turned my back on Neph, and at the time it was done in anger and shock, but after so much time to think on it I realize what an utter fool I was. I condemned him for killing an innocent, and when you tally the blood on my hands against his I am a monster in comparison. I left him alone when he needed friends most, and I don’t see any way he will forgive me for it. I left him to defend Delvay with nothing. How can I make something like that right?” Jala said and her voice broke midway through speaking.
“Ironic that I’m the one you should ask advice on this.” Shade said with a sad smile. “I’m the perfect one to answer this question. As I recall I left a very dear friend when she needed me most, and she forgave me for it.”
Jala stared at him for several breaths in complete bewilderment. It was obvious that she hadn’t even considered his actions in Rivasa before speaking. “I..” she began and her words faltered.
“Wasn’t even thinking about that.” Shade finished for her with a nod. “I know, but there isn’t a single time I’m around you that I don’t think about it. I was wrong to turn my back on you, and while I don’t know the full details on what happened between you and Neph, by the guilt you are showing I’m going to guess you were wrong too. The fix is a simple one Jala. You go to Neph and you beg his forgiveness, and you make damned sure that you are there beside him every time he needs you from now until the end of time. Just like I will be here for you, no matter how wretched the favor is that you ask.” Shade gave her a wink and was rewarded with a faint smile.
“Neph isn’t as forgiving as I am.” Jala protested weakly, but her tears were fading and she seemed to be relaxing.
“Leave Neph to me. As soon as I finish my Assassination in Rivasa, and spring a few dozen inmates from the Sanctuary prison I will have room to work your next favor into my schedule. Though I must say sending me into speak with Neph when he is likely in a pissy mood is far crueler than sending me into a Blight hive.” Shade said with a grin and elbowed her lightly on the knee.
Her eyes had grown wide at the word Assassination and he could see a thousand questions in her violet eyes.
“Get comfy. I have a lot to explain and some details about Onvalla that you should know. This might take a while, but I’d rather you know everything before I leave tomorrow.” Shade said with a sigh as he took his own advice and leaned back against the headboard. It was doubtful that he would get anymore rest tonight, but it was worth the lack of sleep if he could leave tomorrow with Jala in a better state of mind. Tonight was the closest he had ever seen her to breaking, and the sight was terrifying. Too much depended on Jala’s strength for her to break now.