The Bet: A Bully Romance(58)

I tell myself he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t understand that if I let myself feel anything at all, it will just get worse. I can’t open my eyes to reality…I can’t say the things I need to say. I can’t let my damn heart feel the emotions swirling deep inside me because if I do, everything I’ve been holding back will rush out of me. It will drown me, sweeping me under the current, pulling me down, invading every pore of my body until there is nothing left.

“I’m very close to losing it, Jules. You’re like a daughter to me, but I can only help you if you let me. Sebastian has been keeping me in the loop about everything. I’m managing Remington’s break down, and he’s managing yours, but we’re all suffering here.”

The mere mention of his name makes me shudder. No. I clench my teeth. I will not feel anything. I will not let him break down my walls. I will protect myself.

“I want to take a shower,” I say, already pushing up and off the bed. I can’t stay here, I can’t listen to him and risk him saying something that will open up the floodgates of hell.

“If it helps any, he’s hurting too. He asks me to put him out of his misery every night and I tell him he dug his own hole, that he did this to himself.”

I don’t care. I don’t care. I tell myself as I stomp to the shower and lock the door behind me, refusing to let his words affect me. I turn on the shower, but I don’t get in. I just sit on the toilet hoping that he’ll leave and won’t want to talk to me again. The sound of the water drowns out the noises inside my head, and after awhile I hear nothing, nothing but the steady beat of my heart, and the inhaling of air into my lungs.

Don’t want to feel, think, I don’t want anything. I sit until I forget that he was even here at all and I’m back to being a ghost…a ghost, that’s how I feel. I’m in this world, with people carrying on with their lives around me. I can see them smiling and laughing, but the emotions can’t reach me, nothing can. I’m so cut off from reality that it’s like I’m here, but I’m not. Not completely anyway.

Part of me is just gone, floating in space, or maybe I’m just broken, so broken that there isn’t any fixing me, and strangely I like myself like this. I don’t know which one is true, maybe I’m a little bit of both, but all I know is that I can’t imagine ever being whole again.

Time will never heal my wounds.





Chapter Twenty-One




Remington





Walking into the same office they questioned me in the last time, I feel a sliver of anxiety. When I enter the room and look up, I realize that there is a big change. There are actual police officers in here this time instead of just the campus security. They’re not wearing uniforms, but I can see the badge and gun attached to the belt from where I’m standing.

Most would be shitting their pants right now, but the constant guilt, grief, and anger consuming me leave little room for anything else. I don’t have the energy for any other feeling, and I don't really care what's going to happen to me anyway.

I deserve whatever punishment is served.

“Mr. Miller, please have a seat,” one of them greets me. “I’m Detective Garcia and this is my partner, Detective Stevens.” His voice is monotone and his face emotionless, unlike his partner who looks like he’s about to jump me. I take a seat in the hard metal chair and Detective Garcia starts talking again.

“I want to inform you that we have just opened up an investigation on you, Mr. Miller. Campus security contacted us this morning with some disturbing information and since there is overwhelming evidence compiled against you, we are taking this very seriously…”

My jaw flexes with tension. I fucked up, but I didn’t physically hurt Jules, surely they know that.

Before I can say anything, we are interrupted by a loud knock on the door. I look over my shoulder just as Sebastian enters the room, a confused look on his face.

“Why is he being questioned again? We’ve already discussed this at length, and why are you talking to him without a lawyer present?” He points at the two police officers, anger now seeping into his face.

This is your fault, Remington. All the frustration, my father’s anger toward me, Sebastian’s disappointment, the police being here, Jules hurting, it’s all on me.

“Mr. Miller has the right to an attorney, but he has not requested one and we are not arresting him at this moment, so legally I do not have to read him his rights. Now, may I ask who you are?”

“I’m his legal counsel for right now,” Seb growls and takes the seat beside me. A part of me wants to tell him to leave, to tell him that there is no point in trying to save me, but I know that the police wouldn’t be here if something hadn’t changed and I’m not dumb enough to make him leave me alone in here just to end up saying the wrong fucking thing.

“Well, let’s get straight to the point then,” Detective Garcia announces. He opens a folder, and takes out the first page, sliding it across the table, and all but shoves it into my face. My gut clenches as I glance over it. I don’t have to read every word to know it’s a manuscript of the recording. I’ll be reminded of my mistake for the rest of my life.

“Do you acknowledge that the male voice in this recording belongs to you?”