The Anti-Boyfriend(63)
Simone placed her hand on her chest and her face wilted. “Oh no.”
“I said, ‘Deacon, what are you talking about?’ And he flipped around, shocked to see me standing behind him in my towel.” I hesitated. “He was crying. I’d never seen that. He just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, Carys. I’m so sorry. I can’t do this. I’m so sorry.’”
Simone reached out to rub my back. “Oh my God. What did you do?”
I shook my head. “I lost it. I started screaming, ‘I knew you would do this. I knew you would do this to me.’ And it was the truth. He’d warned me from the beginning that he was likely going to hurt me, that it wouldn’t be intentional, but it would happen. And I didn’t listen. I didn’t fucking listen, and it’s my own damn fault.”
“How did he respond when you yelled that?”
“He just stared at me. He didn’t have anything to say. He tried to reach out and hold me at one point, but I wouldn’t let him touch me. I told him to leave. I couldn’t bear to hear anything else he had to say. It didn’t matter if he wasn’t going to fight for us.”
“Jesus Christ, Carys. Where is he now?”
“He stuck around for a few days after that, calling me to make sure I was okay, but I wouldn’t answer. I know that wasn’t the mature way of handling things, but I was too hurt. He eventually texted that he was going to Minnesota for an indefinite amount of time, saying again how sorry he was.”
“How can he just go to Minnesota if he has a life here?”
“He can work from anywhere. And his family is there.”
“He still has his apartment next door?”
“Apparently. I haven’t heard or seen anything to prove otherwise.”
She shook her head. “I’m so sorry this happened.”
I shrugged. “Better now than five years down the line when I was even more invested.”
I was trying to come off as strong, but I felt far from it. Most nights I cried myself to sleep, praying I’d wake up to find this was a dream, with Deacon’s warm body next to me. The safety I’d felt with him seemed a distant memory now. Even though he’d broken my heart, I missed him. Even more than as a lover, I missed him as a friend.
“What if he comes to his senses, returns, and begs your forgiveness?” Simone asked.
Deep down, I knew his leaving wasn’t only about me and Sunny. He had his own issues, and somehow the accident had put him in a bad place—a dark place he’d been before. While I understood that, I couldn’t get past my own hurt to fathom forgiving him. And even if I could forgive him, trust would be the bigger issue.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “It’s over. Even if he came back, I can’t trust someone who left me once not to do it again. It’s not only me I have to worry about. It’s Sunny, too. I’m better off not getting involved with anyone at this point. It’s too much of a risk. Deacon was my one shot, and it failed miserably. I won’t put my heart on the line like that again.”
A distraught look crossed Simone’s face. “That’s so sad. I feel like when the wound of this has healed, you’ll come around. It’ll take a while, but never give up hope, Carys. You’re still so young.”
Would I be able to love again? It sure as hell didn’t feel that way right now.
I rubbed my temples. “I don’t know, Simone. I really don’t.”
*
After Simone left, I went to get Sunny up from her nap. As I changed her diaper, she said something that threw me for a loop.
“Deek.”
My heart shattered. Was it my imagination? She hadn’t said “Deek” since he’d left. Was she only now realizing he was gone for good? Or was the sound she made just a coincidence?
Regardless of the answer, I felt compelled to say, “Deacon is gone, honey. I’m so sorry.”
I might have been reminding myself more than anything. I could only hope Sunny would begin to forget him. That was the only consolation—that she was too young to remember any of this.
*
Later that night, I’d just settled in on the couch to watch some TV when my phone rang. Not many people called at this hour. The noise caused me to jump, thinking it might have been Deacon.
It wasn’t.
Rather than say hello, I answered, “What do you want, Charles?”
Although I’d resigned myself to letting him come around at some point, I’d been in no place to try something new since Deacon left. So every time Charles called, I still gave him some version of the same answer: I wasn’t ready for him to see Sunny.
“I told you I wasn’t going to give up. I’ll keep calling until I get the answer I need. I would like to see my daughter.”
I wasn’t in the mood for this. “You don’t have a right to see her, so I don’t have to abide by any special timeline to give you an answer. If I let you see her, it would be out of the goodness of my heart.”
“Alright. Understood. But I can’t give up, Carys. I won’t. I made a huge mistake in how I handled things after she was born.” He expelled a long breath into the phone, sounding defeated. “And I’m sorry again that I tried to see her without your permission. As I’ve told you, it won’t happen again.”