Start a War (Saint View Psychos #1)(82)

Her voice was like honey. It soothed through everything inside me that felt frazzled and raw. “I told you I had a medical condition. It’s called Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

She stared at me blankly. “Okay. What’s that?”

“Most people know it as a split personality. Or multiple personalities.”

Her eyes widened. “Well, that was not what I was expecting you to say. And this conversation clearly requires me sitting down.” She stood and grabbed the chair from her side of the desk, dragging it around to mine. When she was sitting, her hands in her lap, she tilted her head to once side. “Okay. Tell me.”

I’d never explained this to anyone. Not in all the years since I’d turned eighteen and taken myself to a doctor, where they’d run every test under the sun, eventually confirming the diagnosis I’d always known. “Do you remember how I said I didn’t date in high school?”

She nodded. “Sure.”

“I did… Apparently. I just don’t remember most of it because I wasn’t the personality in control for all of those years. He was.”

She bit her lip. “Who’s he?”

“Scythe.”

Her gaze fell to my hand. “Like your birthmark?”

I nodded.

There was no judgment in her tone. No fear, but that was only because she didn’t know him. I didn’t want her knowing him.

“How does it work?”

I wanted to say it right. I wanted her to understand and not be scared. All I could do was tell her everything.

“Me…Vincent… I’m the dominant personality. Mostly.”

She nodded. “But sometimes you aren’t?”

“Sometimes I can’t keep him out. I try, but sometimes there’s no stopping him.”

“Have I…met him?”

I shook my head quickly. “No. You’d know if you had. He’s nothing like me.”

“The breathing…and the covering your ears. That helps you keep him at bay?”

“Tonight it did. It doesn’t always. Sometimes he comes on too strong and too fast. I have no hope of winning when he’s like that.”

Her hand landed on my leg, just above my knee, her thumb smoothing over the fabric of my pants. “Why do you fight so hard to keep him in? It looked painful.”

“It is. But bad things happen when I let him out.”

She froze. “Like what just happened with War?”

If getting into a fight was the worst thing that Scythe had ever done, I would have let him out as often as he liked. It would have been a lot easier. A lot less painful. His demands grew by the day, silently eating away at me. “Worse,” I murmured. “That was nothing compared to what he’s capable of.”

Her voice shook, the fear I didn’t want her feeling creeping in. “Tell me. I need to know.”

I didn’t want to say it, but I wouldn’t lie to her. Not ever. “Murder. Mayhem. Violence. Sometimes I can regain control in minutes. But sometimes it takes me years. Like when I was in high school. I barely remember anything from that time. He keeps his memories locked away where I can’t reach them.”

She rubbed the back of her neck, kneading the muscles there. “I really needed a drink for this conversation.”

I stood and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the shelf behind her desk, cracking the top open. I glanced around, but there were no glasses in her office.

She held a hand out. “After everything that just went down? I’ll chug it straight from the bottle. Hand it over.”

I did as I was told.

She took a long swig, wincing as she swallowed, then held it out to me.

I shook my head. “I can’t. Alcohol makes me weak. It’s harder to fight him off.”

“So did he take over tonight? Is that why you attacked War? What about the other night at the ice-cream parlor?”

“That was still me, but his voice was loud in my ear, urging me on. When I do things like that, it’s because he’s trying to take over. If I’m quick enough, I can fight him off.”

“And if you aren’t?”

I shrugged. “Then he wins.”

She bit her lip. “That doesn’t sound like a good thing.”

“It’s not.”

She took another swig from the bottle. “Was it my fault?”

I frowned. “That I have DID?”

“That Scythe pushed through tonight?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Shit, it was, wasn’t it?”

“The doctors say his appearances are triggered by trauma. When something comes up that I can’t deal with, Scythe takes over. Seeing you like that with War…I thought he was hurting you. That hurt me. So Scythe intervened.” I met her gaze. “I clearly owe you an apology.”

She shook her head. “I think I owe you one. I should have told you about War. We’re…”

“In a sexual relationship.”

She blinked. “I…I don’t know. I guess so. I mean, yes, we were having sex tonight, but I don’t know if that’s an ongoing arrangement…” Her cheeks went the prettiest shade of pink when she was embarrassed. “I should have told you.”

“It’s not my business who you sleep with. But perhaps if I’m working, you could just let me know in advance, so I don’t ruin things for you.”