Someone Else's Ocean(87)

The father I am says there is no choice. That man remembers the chubby hands reaching for him along with the alligator tears. He remembers the first muddled sounds she made that were solely for him. She needed me and I needed her. Ella would always be my purpose in life.

The ache will eventually recede. I’ll find a woman to keep my bed warm. And Koti would— I cut myself off mid-thought. It shouldn’t hurt this fucking much.

We hadn’t spoken. Nothing to say. What can we say? I made my choice. She doesn’t want to leave her life and my job as a father binds me to where I need to be. It was never supposed to start, and it was never going to last. We both knew it.

Doesn’t matter you’re in ashes, you love her, you miss her.

My throat burned with emotion as I tipped my coffee and stared at the green expanse of my new backyard. It wasn’t the view I wanted.

She has my view and soon enough someone else will have my ocean.

My phone buzzed on the counter and I ignored it, sure it was my mother. Thinking better of it, I caught it just before it stopped.

“Hello,” I said, looking at the screen and freezing when I saw her name.

“I love you,” she whispered softly. “Ian, I love you.”

I closed my eyes. I could hear the waves crash. I imagined her on her hammock staring at her toes.

“I should have said it when you were here. I would give anything to see your face right now, to see if it even matters to you.”

My heart sank. “Of course it matters.”

“I hate this. I hate it here without you.”

“I’m in hell,” I said my voice sandpaper. “I won’t put on a brave front to spare you.”

“Have you ever?” I could hear her smile, but it was solemn. “I don’t want to leave, Ian. You know I’ve accepted my limits. I don’t want to throw all this work away. I won’t be the woman you love. I would never ask you to leave Ella, I just want you to know how not okay I am. Because I miss you and even though I was supposed to let you go, I can’t.”

“I’m not okay either.”

“This is horrible.”

“Agreed.”

“Can you… will you come ho… back?”

“If I come back, we start this all over again when I leave. I don’t think I can handle it twice.”

She sobbed quietly as my heart shattered along with my coffee cup against my kitchen wall.

She sniffed as I wiped my eyes. “I’m sorry I called you. I’m so sorry. It was selfish.”

“I still can’t regret it. You are the true love of my life. You should know that.”

That was the wrong thing to say. It took her minutes of silence to speak again.

“I’ll be here, okay. I’ll be here, Ian. I’ll wait as long as you need me to. I’m being selfish so I can pay for it that way. If I wait for you, will you come?”

“Koti, don’t waste your life on love’s obligations. Things may change for you.”

“Do you think you will still love me?”

“I know I will, I’ll never stop loving you.”

“Then I’ll wait.”

“I can’t ask you for that.”

“You didn’t.”

“Koti, this is ridiculous. You’ve wasted enough time.”

“The stars are back, Ian, because of you, they’re back. I don’t see them the same way. Do you still want to be here?”

“More than anything.”

“I’ll wait for you.”

“No. That’s ridiculous.”

“Why? Why is it so ridiculous? I waited my whole life for you. I can wait a little longer. If you feel the same, ask me to wait.”

“No. I could never ask that of you.”

“Ask me.”

I fought the words on the tip on my tongue. “No.”

“Please ask me,” she sobbed. “You said you loved me.”

“I do. More than I ever thought possible. But this is a foolish notion. It’s your heartache speaking. I love you, I do and that’s why I refuse to let you do this.”

“It’s not foolish to me.”

I sighed. “You’re still so young. We’re talking years, I won’t be able to come to the island often, and you won’t leave.”

“For you, I would try.”

“Then come now. Right now. I can’t leave, I have to teach. Be with me.”

“Ian.”

“Right. That’s what I thought.”

“You know how hard it is for me.”

“That’s why I’m not begging you to do something you aren’t capable of.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I won’t ask you.”

Silence. And it might as well have meant death.

“Koti, please don’t take it the wrong way. You have to understand, I put my life on hold for so long. I don’t want you to feel obligated to do the same for me.”

“How am I supposed to take it? You’re telling me to let you go when I’m telling you I’ll wait. Because I think you’re worth it. I guess I’m alone in that too.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.”