Smolder (Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter, #29)(94)

“And if they were conflicted, then I was worse,” Richard said.

“Yes, Ulfric, you were the most conflicted of all. We did not realize how much your inner conflicts crippled all of you until Nathaniel became the master of Anita’s triumvirate with Damian.”

“I didn’t even know I could be in charge of it. I’m just her leopard to call. I wasn’t even psychic when I was human. I still don’t understand how I ended up being able to control the power of it,”

Nathaniel said.

“You weren’t conflicted. You didn’t crave power, but you wanted the triumvirate between the three of you to work. You had expressed to several people, including Anita, that you missed Damian, felt the pull of him.”

“Yes, but I thought Anita had to fix it, she was our master.”

“But Anita hates taking freedom of choice away from anyone. She and Nicky are in love with each other, but she still feels guilty for mind-rolling him even to save you all; that is why she didn’t roll Rodina and Ru as completely as she did Nicky.”

“It creeps her out that I can’t say no to her,” Nicky said.

“I can say no now,” Damian said.

“You can say no to Anita, but can you say no to Nathaniel?” Jake asked.

Damian started to say of course he could, but then he thought about it. “I don’t want to say no.”

“I didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late, because I’m not supposed to be able to do the vampire and magic stuff,” Nathaniel said.

“If you had not taken control of Anita’s triumvirate with Damian you would have all died in Ireland. It was only your combined strength that allowed Anita to turn Rodrigo and both his siblings into her Brides with her gaze and allowed Anita to raise an army of ghosts to defeat your enemies.”

“Are you saying if I’d still been stumbling around afraid to take over my triumvirate and Nathaniel hadn’t accidentally stepped up before that . . .” I just stopped, not wanting to say it.

“That is exactly what I am saying, and that is why I fear that even with the fourth mark, Jean-Claude’s triumvirate will not be all it could be.”

“Because all three of us are conflicted about power and turning into the monster for real,” Richard said.

“I fear so.”

“Anita has stepped up and accepted more of the power than either of you two, but she’s still too afraid of it,” Rodina said, pushing at her brother. “Either choke me into submission, kill me, or let me go.”

He looked at Jake, and when the werewolf nodded, Ru let his sister go. She pushed him away. “I cannot believe that you want to stay here with their fears and limitations.”

“I like having a master who cares what I think and feel. I like that Anita wants us to be happy.”

“I was happy! I was happy as instruments of her vengeance and judgment. I want to be able to hurt people again, and neither Jean-Claude, nor Anita, or even our Nimir-Raj will allow it. I had the world to travel and now I am trapped in the middle of America in a city that isn’t even half as old as I am. How can you possibly be happy here?”

“I am learning what makes me happy for the very first time, Dina; before this you and Roddy took up all the space and left none for me. I love you, and I loved him, but there was no space for me between you. You were both so strong, it was like I was erased.”

“It’s your fears in our dreams of Rodrigo,” she said. The anger seemed to leave her for a moment.

“Perhaps it is, I hadn’t thought of it being me, because I am not important enough to fill our sleep with nightmares.”

“You are important to me, brother.”

“Brother can be either of us. Tell me that I am important to you, Rodina, just me.”

“Of course you are important to me, Ru. We only have each other now.”

I tried not to think what I wanted to think, but it was like being told not to think of an elephant, all you can think of is elephants. Big ones, small ones, elephants wearing ballerina tutus, roller skating, until trying not to think it made the thought so loud that I knew everyone connected to me heard it like I was yelling in their heads. Maybe Ru and Rodina should have taken us up on that offer of therapy.

Rodina turned and looked at me. “If Ru is turning himself into Rodrigo every night in our dreams, saying over and over that he is being . . . erased, consumed, then yes, I am willing to see your therapist. If Ru is willing to come with me?” She held her hand out to her brother.

He stared at her hand but made no move to take it. He looked up so he could meet her eyes. “You will go to the therapist and talk about all of it? You said you didn’t need therapy, that there was nothing wrong with you.”

“If it will help you, Ru, then yes, I will go.” She started to lower her hand, looking down at the floor and away from him. He grabbed her hand and she looked up at him with a smile that made me happy to see it. The smile faded a little as she looked at me. “I do not understand why you are happy for us, but I can feel that you are. Perhaps I will ask the therapist to explain it to me.”

“They’re good about explaining emotional stuff that you don’t understand,” I said.

Ru came to stand closer to her, their hands still clasped. They were all grown-up, and achingly old, but there was still an echo of two lost children holding hands in the woods when they’d lost their trail of bread crumbs.