Smolder (Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter, #29)(35)

“I’m a cop, I know people are shitty, but I try not to be.”

He made a small sound that was almost a laugh. “I will talk to Rodina about your idea, perhaps that will brighten her mood.”

“You seem down, and she seems depressed or dangerous. You’re both in weird moods, what’s up?”

“It is our birthday today.”

“Why should that make you depressed?” The moment I said it, I realized why. “Shit, it’s all three of your birthdays and you’re missing your brother.”

“Yes, and this year we have been dreaming of him.”

“The same dreams?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No, but at least once a night Rodrigo is in our dreams.”

“I guess with the birthday and all, that would be natural.”

“It did not happen last year.”

I glanced at him, then back to the road. “Maybe you’ve had time to process the loss?”

“Perhaps, but it is unsettling to see him when I close my eyes and then when I wake it’s as if the loss is fresh again, like for a second I forget he’s dead, and then I remember.”

“That sounds awful, I can’t imagine having to do that about any of the people I’ve lost.”

“Thank you.”

“My therapist might know a grief counselor for the two of you to see.”

“This doesn’t feel like grief, Anita.”

“What does it feel like?” I asked.

“I feel haunted.”

I looked at him, then back to the road. “Does Rodina feel the same way?”

“Her dreams make her miss Rodrigo more; mine . . . I did not always agree with the choices my siblings made, but they were my family, so I went where they went, did what they did. You give us both too many choices to be ourselves, too many decisions that we do not make together. Rodina feels like she is losing me as well as Rodrigo, and I feel disloyal to my sister. I loved Rodrigo, but I was also afraid of him. I realize now that I went along with many things because I did not want to be his victim, or Rodina’s. It was much better to be their ally.”

“I saw Rodrigo’s cruel streak when he killed Domino.”

“I am sorry for reminding you of your loss.”

“No, that’s not what I meant, Ru. I meant that Rodrigo was frightening.”

“But he was my brother and I loved him.”

I thought about my own family. “Family is so fucking hard sometimes.”

“I miss Rodrigo terribly and if I could have him alive again, I would, but he hates you in my dreams, threatens you and Jean-Claude and Nathaniel and Micah and anyone that I feel an emotional closeness to, he wants to do terrible things to them, and I don’t. I stand up to Rodrigo in my dreams in a way that I never did in real life.”

“We work out our issues in our dreams a lot more than we think,” I said.

“I suppose so,” he said, voice soft. He was hunched over as if something hurt. I didn’t think it was physical, though sometimes a broken heart feels that real, and no one breaks your heart like family.

I didn’t know what to say that would make that level of pain better, so I didn’t try. I just reached across the car and touched his leg. He was a shapeshifter and even more than for most people touch was comforting to them. I meant it to be a light pat, but his hand covered mine, pressing it against his thigh. I turned my hand under his until we were holding hands.

He held my hand and then his shoulders started to shake, and I realized he was crying. “I feel lost, Anita, so lost.”

I squeezed his hand and said, “I’ve got you, Ru.”

He wrapped both of his hands around mine and cried without looking at me. We drove like that in the dark car until we were almost at Until Death and Beyond Bridal, and then Ru just pulled himself together and stopped crying.

“I need to wipe my face, but could you please keep holding my hand after I do all that?”

“Of course, whatever you need.”

He let go of me and drew Kleenex out of his jacket pocket, dried his face, blew his nose, and settled his clothes and the weapons under them back in place, and then he reached his hand out to me and I took it. We held hands on the seat beside him until I pulled off the Riverfront area where the streets were mostly cobblestone, narrow, and full of weekend pedestrians who seemed utterly

confident that I wouldn’t run them over. When I’d left for the murder scene the sidewalks were full of a few happy, strolling tourists taking pictures of all the vampire-run businesses and waiting for them all to open for the night. Now the streets and sidewalks were packed like sardines in a can because everything was open. Once the Riverfront had been called Blood Square and all the businesses had been very adult like Guilty Pleasures, but as vampires became more mainstream, businesses that were also more mainstream started to open up. First it was fancy restaurants where vampires might not be able to eat food, but they could cook it. People who weren’t vampires would pay just to have restaurants where most of the staff were. There was even a new restaurant where vampires brought human dates, and the humans ate while the vampires played culinary voyeur. Jean-Claude was actually a silent partner in the restaurant. The chef had only become a vampire in the last two years, but unfortunately it was in a country where vampires were still illegal monsters and could be killed on sight. The chef was one of the most famous in the world, a very big deal, too famous to hide, so Jean-Claude invited him to America to open both a regular restaurant, Liberté, and Voyeur.