Sisters by Choice (Blackberry Island #4)(110)

“You kind of have.” She knew they didn’t have much time before the boys came back downstairs, but she had to ask, “Did you really leave me, Jaxsen? Did you leave us?”

“I moved in with my parents. I stayed in the basement. I didn’t even go out with my friends.”

“You’re not answering the question.”

“I was angry.” He grimaced. “No, I was scared. Honest to God, I don’t know why you put up with me. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but I don’t make it easy. Yet, here you are. Why is that?”

Her gaze was steady. “You didn’t answer the question. Did you leave me?”

He hung his head. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“I wanted you to be scared, too.” He looked at her. “I’m not proud of that, but it’s the truth. I wanted you to suffer like I was. I wanted you to know what it felt like.”

She supposed the words could have hurt her, but they were oddly comforting. Jaxsen hadn’t wanted to get away—he’d wanted to teach her a lesson. Not the most mature, loving reaction to what was happening, but one that made sense. He’d been in pain and from his perspective, she’d caused it. So he wanted to punish her back.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “That was wrong of me.”

“Yes, it was. I wish you’d told me what you were feeling. I could have tried to explain things better. I never wanted you to feel that I was going to leave you.”

“I know that now.”

His petulant tone made her smile. “We’re not very good at this,” she admitted. “Being married, being supportive of each other. Communicating. Jaxsen, we need to go into couples’ counseling.”

His dark gaze met hers. “Do you still love me?”

“Of course. I never stopped loving you. Not loving you isn’t the problem. Do you still love me?”

In the second it took him to answer, she died a thousand deaths. But when he spoke, she felt restored.

“Yes. You’re my world.”

“Then we have to work to fix this. We have to do better. I’m not willing to simply go back to how things were. I didn’t know you’d left and while I understand the reasons, it hurts me that you would walk away from our marriage and not tell me.”

“I didn’t walk away, exactly.” He sighed. “You’re right. We need to do better.” His face brightened. “Maybe we could get a workbook or something from the library.”

She looked at him. “No.”

“Fine.”

The sound of feet thundering on the stairs interrupted them. Seconds later the boys burst into the kitchen and the moment was lost. Still, she thought progress had been made. At least she understood a little more now and as long as they got some help, she felt they could find their way to a better place than they’d been in before.

Dinner was the loud, happy event it always was, she thought as she watched her family. Funny how easily they fell back into the familiar. As everyone ate and talked, she wondered what would happen after they were finished. Would Jaxsen expect to move back in? Was she ready for that? And if he asked and she said no, would he understand why?

Even more complicated was the question of sex. Did he want to? Did she? Should they? Would that make things better or worse? It had been weeks and Jaxsen wasn’t a man who liked to go more than a couple of days without some kind of physical encounter. She wasn’t worried he’d been getting it somewhere else so much as she didn’t know if she should offer to—

To what? Did she even want to get naked with him when things were so unsettled? Shouldn’t they wait until they had a more clear understanding of how things were between them?

The realization that there was so much more to talk about made her uneasy and she couldn’t finish her dinner. She went through the motions, laughed when appropriate and tried to act as if everything was all right. The boys seemed to buy her act, but she caught Jaxsen watching her as if he sensed something was wrong.

Once the boys had cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher, Jaxsen sent them downstairs. When he and Kristine were alone, he said, “I can see the wheels turning. You’re upset.”

“No. Just confused. I’m glad we cleared up a few things, but there’s a lot more we need to deal with.”

“You’re right. There is. We should definitely go see a counselor. Our marriage is important to us and we need to develop some new skills.”

That was not very Jaxsen-like. “You’re sure?”

“I don’t love the idea, but I see the value of it.”

“Thank you.”

He held out his arms and she stepped into his embrace. He was warm and familiar and she’d missed the feel of him making her world right.

“We’ll get this,” he told her, rubbing his hands up and down her back. “Is it all right if I ask you to find us someone? I’ll do it if you want, but it’s harder for me to make and take calls during business hours.”

“I’ll start doing research tomorrow and get something set up.”

“I appreciate that.”

The slow, steady movements on her back began to arouse her. Jaxsen wasn’t the only one who had gone without for a long time. She might not be ready for him to move back in and pretend nothing had happened, but a little naked time might not be such a bad idea. They could—