Sin & Spirit (Demigod of San Francisco #4)(21)

Sobs bubbled up, my embarrassment from the last few months spilling over.

“Look, I know who I’m not. I’m not refined. I’m not classy. I’m not from money and I don’t know the first thing about pretending to be.” My voice rose. “I mean, what Demigod’s girlfriend, or even fuck buddy, can’t dress herself? I don’t fit into your life outside of this house, Kieran, that’s the long and short of it. My kids don’t fit. Hell, one’s not even magical. Being misfits in your organization made sense when you were on the outskirts of the magical world. But now that you’re a ruler, we’re weighing you down. We’ll make you a laughingstock if we haven’t already. You didn’t even mean to mark me. Eventually that’ll get out and make us both look silly.” I let out a shaky sigh. “This isn’t working. I think it’s time…” I had to stop speaking to force back the sobs. “It’s time we let this go. This thing we have has run its course. I’ll take the kids into hiding and you can get on with your life.”

I hugged myself, hardly believing I’d actually said the words. Worse, that I intended to go through with them.

“I’m not sure how to handle this,” he said after a quiet moment.

I shrugged. “It’s not you, it’s me. And probably for the first time ever, that is actually the truth. Just let me go—”

“No, I meant I’m not sure how to handle this—should I laugh? I can feel your pain, so you actually believe this is the right thing for me, but it’s killing you…so is calling you an idiot out of line? Bitch-slapping some sense into you isn’t my style… Should I get Bria to do it? Or maybe Daisy? Because I doubt Daisy agrees with any of this. That kid wouldn’t go quietly, that’s for sure.”

“She’ll see reason. And please don’t joke. Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

Kieran sighed, but, thankfully, he didn’t move closer. I didn’t think I could hold firm if he did.

“Alexis, I know the last few months have gotten to you. They would’ve gotten to anyone. Literally anyone. Demigods and people of influence have training for all this—”

“For magic, yeah, but not for dressing yourself.”

“Even for dressing myself. I’ve had tailors steering me since I was a child. My mother was a harsh critic, because she had to be. Now you know why. I’ve been taught how to dress and act my whole life. How could you possibly think you’d get it right out of the gate?”

“But—”

“No. Your pity party has gone on long enough. My turn. I didn’t mean to mark you the first time, that’s true. It was my natural reaction to you. And I will absolutely let that be known when the right time comes.”

“What? Why? I’ll look like a—”

“Because it’ll prove I had no ulterior motive. It’ll prove that your magic wasn’t the reason for my mark. Those that aren’t in the know might sneer and snicker, and you’ll probably return to the tabloids—”

“Return? I’ve never left.”

“—but those that do understand, the Demigods, for example, will feel the impact. They will know that my desire to protect you is not superficial. That I marked you because I couldn’t help myself. If they ever try to tear us apart because of that mark, this will ensure they have no grounds to do so.”

I remembered that Demigods had traditionally applied their mark to people they wanted to put dibs on. They’d used it as a brand, denoting certain people as theirs, whether that person was a king, a mate, or a slave. The practice of claiming in that capacity was now illegal.

Kieran had already worked out what he’d do if people accused him of illegally marking me in order to make me less desirable to the other Demigods. He was prepared to protect me in ways I didn’t even know he needed to.

More tears slipped out and I bit my lip.

“No, I didn’t mean to do it that first time, but I’ve meant to mark you every single time since. I bet you can’t even count the number of times I’ve sizzled my magic across your skin. I even proposed to you, remember? Yes, the timing was more romantic in my head than in reality, but I still meant every word. And when I try again, hoping to catch you in the right mood, I’ll mean it then, too.”

I shook my head, my warming heart at war with my logic, love dizzying my mind. I couldn’t open my mouth, not sure what I’d say.

“That meeting today went exactly how I’d hoped. I purposely kept you in the dark. I instructed Bria and the guys not to coach you. And you shone like a star. You threw shade you didn’t even know you were throwing.” I could hear the pride and humor in his voice. “It was perfect. I escorted you out because your part of the symphony was complete. If I’d explained all this, it would’ve ruined what I’d been going for. And that’s my fault. What you’re feeling right now is my fault. I apologize for that. As for your not helping me lead…” He chuckled softly. “You might not see the bigger picture yet, but you’re doing more than helping me lead. You’re shaping my image. You’re giving me goodwill with the people.”

I startled, no clue what he was talking about.

“If you remember,” he said, “I never said you needed to work at the government office. You don’t have to work at all—most Demigods’ wives or husbands don’t. Girlfriends either, before you bring that up. As long as you’re happy, it makes no difference to me. But you picked your own office in the bowels of the building and built various charities with moderate budgets that are making me look like a ruler for the people while still being fiscally responsible. You’re kicking ass in a meaningful way and you don’t even realize it.” His footsteps whispered across the rug. His arms came around my middle and he pulled me tightly against his chest. “Right after everything went down with my father, do you remember what I told you?”