Sin & Spirit (Demigod of San Francisco #4)(20)

“We’ve made a mistake,” I said curtly when I heard him entering the room. I already knew I was going to handle this badly, riddled with fear as I was, but I owed it to him to make this right.

He slowed to a stop, giving me space.

“I’ve made a mistake,” I amended myself. “This isn’t the life for me. I love you with everything I have, but we’re from two different worlds. I can’t be the woman you need.”

“Is that right?” he said.

“We both know it’s right. And if you’re still confused as to why, just grab any tabloid you see and it’ll list all the reasons for you. In bullet points. On a monthly cycle. Apparently no one gets tired of reading about my faults.”

“Pointing out a powerful woman’s supposed faults makes those who are lesser feel better about themselves. They try to tear her down so she’ll feel as little as they are. But you cannot tear down a star. You cannot dull greatness.”

Tears clouded my vision. It sure feels like they can.

“Okay, fine,” I said, “let’s go about it this way—”

“Sure. I love a good pivot.”

I gritted my teeth, anger now flirting with my resolve. “What do I bring to this relationship?” Sadness and fear and vulnerability and uncertainty ran through me in crushing waves. I hated this. I hated doing this. I hated the position in which I’d gotten myself. “Besides helping with your dad, what am I bringing to the table?”

Skin slid across fabric. He was probably putting his hands in his pockets. These wouldn’t be comfortable questions.

I filled the silence.

“Today was the first time a Demigod visited since you took over, and I botched the whole thing. Bria told me how I should have proved my magic. She seemed to think it was funny, which is always a bad sign. Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, I got myself into a fix and made you chase the Demigod away. I need a daycare, not a powerful boyfriend.”

“Alexis, none of that was your fault. You didn’t know any better.”

“Yes, exactly. I didn’t know any better. But I should have. Isn’t that why you spent the rest of the afternoon locked in a room with a pretty Demigod and a do-not-disturb sign on the door?”

I grimaced at my cutting tone, and the fact that I’d mentioned it in the first place. That wasn’t what I was doing here. It wasn’t the problem.

But even as I opened my mouth to take it back, pain welled up, hot and heavy.

I shouldn’t have needed Kieran earlier—I should’ve been able to handle things on my own—but the truth was that I had needed him. And the fact that I hadn’t been able to connect with him because he’d been entertaining a powerful, beautiful woman alone, something he never did in business, had knifed a feminine, vulnerable part of me. A part that wondered how I’d landed a gorgeous Demigod at the pinnacle of power in the first place.

A part that would now set matters to rights for him, no matter how much it hurt.

“Is that what this is about?” he asked softly.

I took a deep breath, trying to stay above the pettiness of jealousy. “No. It’s not about that. It’s just… What happens when you meet the next Demigod? Or when I botch another important deal…” My voice caught and I gritted my teeth again.

“I can feel you suffering, Alexis, so as much as I would like to help you laugh about all this, I’ll reassure you instead. I know how that must’ve looked, and I probably should’ve talked to you about it first, but I assumed I’d still be reachable. That do-not-disturb sign never applies to you. Not ever. You should’ve been put through when you called earlier. I wrongly thought my assistant knew that. That was my fault, and for that, I deeply apologize. But baby, even if I had gotten carried away, you would’ve felt it through the soul link. Or the blood link. You have various ways of checking up on me, and we both know if I ever did something foolish, your wards would burn my house down while you showed up at my office in person to kill me.”

I wiped away a tear before it dripped off my chin.

“Today was business,” he said. “I used her emotions to manipulate her. This time, her emotions were centered on lust, so I gave her the charm and intimacy she craved. Faux intimacy, in my case. For someone else, I might need to be excessively brutal. Yet another leader may be swayed by deals and trading. To manipulate properly, I need to be what they expect me to be. I need to use their expectations against them. My father made sure I was trained for this. He trained me to be unemotional when I played this game. It’s not pretty, but I’m extremely good at it. Which I doubt you understand, because you’re the only one who has ever seen through my bullshit. You’re the only one I can’t manipulate to get what I want. With you, I have to be genuine. I have to earn it.”

I closed my eyes, feeling the distant tide pull at me. Feeling Kieran pull at me.

“It isn’t pretty, no, but it is your job,” I said. “And I don’t have a clue how to help you do your job. I don’t have a clue how to fit into your life, Kieran. I…” My lips trembled and tears tracked down my cheeks. “I wish I did, honest to God. But I’m a hindrance, and I know it. It has been well documented that I am a j-joke.”

“Alexis Price, you are anything but a joke,” Kieran said in a hard tone.