Scared of Beautiful (Scared #1)(50)

“What do you want me to understand, Maia? That you see me as some charity case that you keep offering handouts to? That your reasons are absolute bullshit? You let me go because you can’t get your own shit together, and I am the idiot who’s sitting around waiting for you to wake up and see what’s in front of you. Shit happens in all of our lives, but we don’t shove other people aside because of it. I’m there for the people I love, always. And that means that right now I have to f-ucking deal with Emmanuel.”

The weight of his words crushes me. Tears stain my cheeks, because I know that every single word is true. Jackson steps towards me and wipes a tear from below my eye. He pulls me into a fierce hug, the agonizing emotions pouring out from me filling the scant space between us.

He takes one final look into my eyes, barely able to hide the grief in his own, and turns and starts to walk away.

“Jackson, are you just gonna leave? I didn’t think you were the type to run away,” I shout desperately.

He turns to face me. “I have to walk away. Jesus, Maia, you really have no idea how much I love you, do you? Where I’m from that shit matters. But it’s not enough for you. You put us in this screwed up friendzone, because it’s what you wanted. I have not run a single day in my damn life and I’m not doing it now.” His voice is resolute, hard. “I’m walking away.”

He turns and walks off. As he does, a loud bang of thunder assaults the grey sky above, as if on cue. Ordered especially to add sound effects to the torrential heartbreak I feel.

I call Jade, hysterical, hardly able to piece together a sentence, and barely able to breathe.

“Maia? Maia!” Jade yells through the phone anxiously.

“What happened?” She pauses to wait for an answer that I don’t have the oxygen to give. “Calm down, let me call Jackson okay?” I nod into the phone as the line goes dead.





Chapter 28




Jackson

My gut wrenches as I make my way back to my dorm room. f-uck! Why do things always have to get so f*cked up? I should never have assumed that I could leave my old life behind, that it wouldn’t follow me like death wherever I went. Or assumed that I could ever really be with someone like Maia. I was always kidding myself to think I could match up to the guys she’s grown up around. The pain of what I just did to her sends an instant shooting headache through my temples. The heavens have opened, but the icy shards of rain have no effect on my skin. Or my mood. She’ll never forgive me, and she shouldn’t. It’s easier this way. By the end of next week I may very well be dead, or at the very least locked up.

My phone rings incessantly, and after the fourth attempt I decide to see who the persistent little * might be. Jade. I’m relieved that it’s not Emmanuel or Maia for that matter.

“Hey,” I answer sounding every bit as dejected as I feel.

“Jackson, what is going on? Why is Maia calling me so hysterical that she can’t speak?”

“She’ll be okay,” I answer simply.

“What do you mean, Jackson, what the hell happened?” Jade is not in the mood for short and sharp answers, judging by the irritation in her voice.

“I told her that we were done,” I say simply.

“You were already done,” Jade says exasperated. “Why is she hysterical now? Jackson, start talking.”

I don’t want to talk about this shit now, even though I know Jade means well.

“Jade, Maia and I won’t work. I thought that she was less self-absorbed than the trust fund babies she grew up with, but she’s really not that different. I’m done jumping through hoops. At what point do I actually get to say, f-uck it, I’m done with complicated?” Jade listens to my half-rant quietly before replying.

“You know what Jackson, what makes you so different from Maia? You think she had it easy growing up? She had her own set of issues. How dare you dismiss them like that?” Jade’s voice is reprimanding, she’s good and pissed now. “Tell the f-ucking truth Jackson,” she orders.

I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. “You’re right. I am thinking of myself. Maia is happy to keep me at arm’s length. I’m allowed to jump in her bed, but not to be with her. It’s f-ucking torture Jade, every day. Not to mention the fact that after next week, I’ll be a criminal, whether I get caught or not.”

“What is Emmanuel holding over you?” Jade asks quietly.

“You, her, it doesn’t even matter,” I sigh. “It’s over anyway.”

“So you rip her heart out to keep her safe?” Jade retorts sarcastically.

“She does not want to be with me, Jade, she made that clear!” I say, completely over this conversation.

“See, this is why I date girls. You guys don’t get shit! She just needed time!” Jade’s voice raises an octave every time she speaks.

“Jade I have to go,” I say, and before she can protest, I press the end button.

I walk into my dorm room, fling my phone onto the bed, and slam my fist straight through the plasterboard wall, before collapsing onto my bed, mentally exhausted and miserable. Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be, because nothing could be worse than the shit pile that was today. Images of Maia invade my mind, my every thought, and for the first time since we met, I find myself trying desperately to push them away. I welcome sleep and pray that she doesn’t haunt me there, too.