Rock Bottom Girl(127)

I didn’t know what to say to that. I was suddenly bone weary. My muscles ached, and the anger, the frustration I felt bubbled up and out, evaporating into the air between us. This wasn’t a choice I’d made. A job I’d earned. A relationship that started with boy meets girl. This was just another mess I’d created.

“This wasn’t even supposed to be real,” I said quietly.

“Bullshit. Maybe you fell for the fake label, but I knew from the start this was going to get real.”

“You did not!” I argued.

“Don’t tell me what I feel, Mars! I used to watch you in English class. You’d tuck your hair behind your ear, and I couldn’t stop staring at your neck, your ear, your fingers. As soon as I saw you again, it was still there.”

“Then why did you change your mind about Homecoming?” I shouted.

He blinked. “What the fuck are you talking about Homecoming?”

I held up my hands. “You know what? It doesn’t matter.”

“You know what I wanna know?” Jake demanded. “I wanna know when you’re going to stop acting like high school ruined your entire life. When are you going to step up and be brave enough to find out what you really want? Not what your seventeen-year-old self wanted. Not what your sister wants or what you think your parents want. What the hell do you want, Mars?”

All I could cling to in this moment was what I’d been chasing my entire life. The important job. The necessary role. Making a difference. That’s what I held on to when things got rough. When things went from bad to worse. Every new start felt like it had the potential to be that thing that I needed.

But this wasn’t a new start. This was a crash landing, an agreement, a mutually beneficial, temporary arrangement.

How would I ever be important and needed here? In the town that I’d left in my dust twenty years ago. What would I be here? A gym teacher? A coach? A girlfriend? A daughter?

It wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t be enough. I was looking for the right role that would help me grow. Force me to shed my bad habits and finally become the strong, powerful, problem-solving woman I was destined to be. I would matter.

“Jake.” I said his name wearily. “I’m sorry. But this isn’t what I want.”

I saw his jaw muscle clench and release. Clench and release.

“I’m not what you want?”

“None of this is what I want. I need something different. I’m not going to become a better person here. I’m just constantly reminded of all my shortcomings over and over again. I want more.”

“I love you, Mars. I want more of this. More of you. You’ve made me a better person. Just look at what you’ve done for me. Look at this house.”

I couldn’t stand hurting him like this. He didn’t love me. He couldn’t. He was just confused.

“You cleaned your kitchen and got new curtains. That doesn’t mean you’re in love with me,” I said softly.

“You are so damn pigheaded,” he complained. “Do you think you’re unlovable? Unworthy as is?”

That’s exactly what I was.





76





Marley





I spent all day Saturday and Sunday on a blow-up mattress on the floor in Zinnia’s room. It was exactly what she hadn’t wanted. And judging by the twinge in my lower back every time I rolled over to cry on the other side of my face, she’d been right about the consequences. Then again, Zinnia was always right.

Lying on that mattress with my Harry Potter pillow for two days was my purgatory. I didn’t deserve to be comfortable. I deserved to hear fart noises every time I rolled over, trying to find a better position.

I kept my phone turned off and didn’t log into the team message board. I couldn’t face anyone. I couldn’t face anyone’s disappointment in me.

Vicky stopped by with tequila and chicken soup. Neither of which I deserved.

I missed Jake so much I slept in his t-shirt and wore his sweatpants around the house.

Zinnia, to her credit, didn’t try to make me talk about it. My parents retreated to “my teenage daughter is emotionally unstable” survival mode, doling out junk food and pats on the head. But I overheard the whispered conversation about what we were going to do about Thanksgiving now that I’d blown things up with Jake.

I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night. It was a school day tomorrow. The last one before Thanksgiving break. And as much as I wanted to take a sick day and avoid it all, I knew I needed to face the music.

By Monday morning, the snow had melted, leaving behind piles of gray slush that matched my cold, messy mood. I dragged myself into the shower then bided my time until I knew I’d be five minutes late to school just in case anyone was hanging out around the locker room wanting to talk to me. I couldn’t see Jake. I would shatter like a wineglass on Amie Jo’s patio.

Feeling sneaky, I let myself in the emergency exit of the locker room and tiptoed toward my office. I’d be free to wallow pathetically for the entire first period if Floyd didn’t know I was here.

“It’s about time.”

I jumped, my wet sneakers nearly losing their grip on the concrete.

“Principal Eccles,” I said, holding on to the bookcase closest to the door. “What brings you here?” Oh, God. She’d heard that I broke up with Jake, officially voiding my ethical behavior contract. She was here to fire me. I wasn’t going to get to leave town quietly. Culpepper would probably line up to throw stones of judgment at me as I crawled out of town in shame.