Rock Bottom Girl(126)

“Jake.” I was desperate for him to stop painting this picture.

“Grow old and obnoxious with me, Marley Jean Cicero. I want to be raising a ruckus at bingo with you when we’re eighty and don’t give a fuck.”

“Jake,” I said again. Feeling hot tears course down my cheeks.

Panic clawed at my chest. I could see it. See a life here with him. But it wasn’t what I’d planned. What I’d been pursuing my entire life.

“I have an interview Wednesday,” I told him, desperate to remind us both of the plan. “This was only temporary. You can’t change the deal on me. I was always going to leave in the end.” It was the only thing that made sense.

“Tough shit, Mars. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I did, and here we are.”

“What?”

“Oh, like you’re surprised?” he scoffed.

I was fucking shocked. Like electrical-current-to-the-heart dead shocked. He’d actually meant what he’d told my boobs? He was in love with me? “Why did you go and do a dumbass thing like that?” I demanded. This added Jake to the top of the list of people I’d let down.

“I don’t fucking know! It wasn’t exactly a choice.”

I turned around, shoved my hands in my wet hair.

“But now you’re asking me to make one. Why are you making me do this, Jake? You knew the deal. You knew I wasn’t staying.” He’d known from the beginning, and now he was forcing me to hurt him.

Jake shucked out of his wet coat and let it fall to the floor with a splat. He was doing it on purpose. There was a coat rack next to the door. And we’d spent four hours on a Sunday cleaning out his coat closet under the stairs. “So you expect me to fall in love with you and just let you walk away?”

I stared at his wet coat as the water dripped and pooled onto the hardwood.

Homer barked.

“Shut up, Homie,” we both said together.

“I expect you to hold up your end of the bargain,” I told him. I turned around again, but I couldn’t bear to look at him. Couldn’t stand to see the disappointment on his face.

“You would rather I kept my lips zipped and waved you off at the end of December without a word?”

“Yes! That is exactly what I would have wanted you to do.”

“Why in the hell should I make this easier on you when you aren’t doing a damn thing to soften the blow for me? I’m in love with you, jackass!”

“How do you know?” I demanded stubbornly. “You’ve never even been in a relationship before.”

“I’m smart enough to know what love is. And I’m not a chickenshit about it. I love you, Mars, and you fucking love me back.”

I was speechless. I wanted to deny it. To lie to his face and tell him that I didn’t have those feelings. But the truth was, I’d loved him for months. Maybe even since the first time he’d yelled at me. He cared enough to try. But he could do better. He deserved better. So did my girls. My students. They deserved someone better.

“Look. We don’t have to get married right away if you don’t want to,” Jake said, running a hand through his damp hair.

“Married? Are you thinking about marriage?” I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to throw up. None of this was part of the plan. Why was he making me hurt him like this?

“The thought had crossed my mind a couple of times before I heard your blood-curdling scream at the idea a second ago.”

“Jake, I’m not supposed to be here! Do you see the damage I inflict? Those girls gave me their all. They did everything I asked of them. And I ruined it for them. This time, it wasn’t just my own life I was ruining. I got those girls’ hopes up. I told them they could do anything they set their minds to, and then I sent them out on that field to get crushed. I crushed them. They were devastated tonight.”

“I don’t even know where to start with that idiotic statement. First of all, it’s a sport, and someone has to lose. Losing doesn’t make you a loser!”

“That’s exactly what losing does!” Homer didn’t like the shouting and padded into the kitchen to lay down next to his food dish.

“Marley.” Jake took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose like he was trying to ward off an aneurysm. I loved him so much it hurt to look at him.

“Marley,” he said again. “This is some mid-life crisis deal, isn’t it? You’re scared. So you think leaving’s the answer. You’re just painting a pretty picture about seeking your destiny. But spoiler alert, sweetheart. Hard losses don’t mean you’re in the wrong place.”

“Every job I’ve had. Every relationship I’ve had has ended. Badly. I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me so many times that it makes more sense to stay on the floor than stand back up.”

“What does that have to do with you and me?”

“I’m not supposed to be here, Jake. This isn’t what I want.”

“What do you want, Mars. Tell me. Enunciate clearly so I can get it through my thick head.”

“I don’t know! How does anyone know?”

“Then how do you know that this isn’t exactly what you want? Exactly where you’re supposed to be? How do you know that every shitty job, every crappy relationship, every mistake wasn’t leading you here to me? To those girls. To this town.”