Rock Bottom Girl(125)

“Well. It’s over,” Vicky sighed, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with me.

No more games. No more practices. No more bus rides and makeup tutorials. No more wins. My tenure as coach was officially over, and it had ended on a loss.

That scoreboard was my bright, glowing sign from the universe. The tears of my team were another.

Once again, I’d lost. Once again, my sister was there to witness it. And this time, I’d disappointed thirty-some teenagers.

“Let’s go shake hands, ladies,” Vicky said, taking charge when it was clear I was too busy wallowing. “Come on, Coach.”

Blindly, I slapped hands with the victors. Shook hands with the coaching staff and congratulated them on their victory. Their win was my loss. Their joy, my misery. I’d let so many people down. And proven so many people right. I was a loser. I’d always been one.

I was sinking into the shame of it, and I couldn’t pull myself out of it. It was all so familiar. Just like every layoff. Every breakup. I was always destined to get knocked down again.

Numbly, I greeted Jake and our families. Zinnia gave me a sad, frozen smile. Just like she’d always done when I screwed up. She never threw it in my face. Never brought attention to my failures.

Jake wrapped me up in his arms, and I wanted to just melt into his warmth. I wanted to give him my shame, my disappointment, and let him take it away from me.

“I’m so fucking proud of you, Mars,” he whispered in my ear.

But I didn’t believe him. I hadn’t done anything to be proud of. I’d disappointed my team.

The bus ride home was quiet except for the occasional sniffle and nose blowing. I wished that I had the words to make them feel better. They hadn’t failed. I’d failed them.

When we got back to the high school parking lot, I lamely congratulated each girl as she got off the bus. “Great season.” “Good job.” “Way to play.”

But they could see right through me.

I waited until they’d all gotten in their cars and driven off. Waited for the bus to leave. Waited for Vicky to head home to her family. Then, and only then, I sat in my car in the dark and cried myself sick.

The knock at my window while I was blowing my nose into a fast food napkin scared the shit out of me. I recognized the crotch outside my window. I wasn’t ready to talk to that crotch or the man it was attached to.

Jake knocked against the glass again.

He was going to make me talk to him. And if I tried to drive away, he’d just chase me down.

I opened the door and stepped out.

“You okay?”

I shrugged, not trusting my voice.

“Aw, baby.” He gathered me close. “It crushes me to see you crushed.”

“I let everyone down,” I whispered.

“Mars, you lost a game. Not a war. Where’s the perspective?” he teased.

But I wasn’t in the mood.

“I was looking for a sign, and I guess I got it.”

“A sign for what?” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms. I didn’t deserve to be comforted by him.

“I thought I was finally getting my act together, you know? I thought things were going well. That maybe I was supposed to stay here.”

“Of course you’re supposed to stay here, Mars. What the hell are you talking about?”

“All I do is screw things up, Jake.”

“You’re speaking a foreign language right now. Come on. Get your stuff. I’ll drive you home.”

I shook my head. It was clear now. What I had to do. My team deserved better. My students. Jake deserved better.

The sleet had changed over again. Now fat flakes were floating down from the dark sky, landing in slush. Trying to whitewash the mess.

I didn’t belong here now any more than I did when I was a teenager.

“Marley, get in my car,” he said sternly.

When I didn’t move, he physically dragged me to his vehicle and tucked me inside. He closed the door, and the dome light went off. I sat there in the dark, in the silence.

Jake returned with my gym bag and water bottle. He tossed my things in the back seat and without a word drove us home.





75





Marley





I didn’t want to go inside. Jake pulled into his driveway, and I sat staring at the house that I’d fallen in love with. I’d fallen in love with the man, too.

The man who was carting my things out of the back seat and telling me if I didn’t get out of his car, he was going to drag me inside caveman style.

Numbly, I followed him to the front door.

When Homer charged me, demanding all the love I had in my body, I sank to my knees and pressed my face into his fur. At least he still loved me. It didn’t matter to Homer if I won or lost. As long as I loved him and fed him and scratched his belly.

I’d failed before. But this time I’d taken a lot of people down with me. I disappointed them all, let them all down. And that was what hurt. I kept seeing the tear-stained faces of each girl as she exited the bus. All that hard work for nothing. For a lousy loss under sleeting skies.

Jake dumped my things on the floor and pulled me up.

He looked at me long and hard, and then he spoke.

“I’m asking you to stay, Mars. Stay here. Be mine. Let me be yours. Live in this haunted house with me and Homer. Work with me. Run with me. Make me lunches. Let me hold you while you fall asleep on the porch.”