Rising (Blue Phoenix, #4)(44)

Like Liv.

Shit.

I take another step back, pulling away from the fusion happening. “f-uck. Sorry. I have to go. Sorry, I can’t do this.”

“What the hell?” she whispers.

I rub my palms across my face. Yeah, what the hell am I doing? “I shouldn’t have. Shit, Ruby. I’m f-ucking sorry.”

Ruby’s flushed face now pales and I pray there’s no tears. “You bastard. I knew you were screwing around with me!”

“It was only a kiss.”

Ruby parts her mouth to say something; but instead she turns away, tearing at my heart. Yeah, my heart, the muscle that pumps blood suddenly hurts. No, it wasn’t just a kiss. It was a unity. The raw connection I saw and denied the first time we met led to this moment and melded our lives.

And I’m not going there.

I hover for a moment; but Ruby doesn’t turn back to me, instead stands with her arms wrapped around herself. I won’t be able to give Ruby what she wants because I’m not prepared to give myself to anyone. Ruby deserves someone to love and cherish her, not a f*cked-up ex-addict who can’t look at her without seeing the girl who died because of him.

When the silence remains, I walk away. What point are words?





Chapter Twenty



Ruby



Do I hurt? No. Am I angry? f-uck, yeah.

I’m exhausted when I arrive for my shift the next morning, I spent the night awake replaying Jem’s kiss and trying to figure out what the hell he meant by it. Jem said no games and he’s playing the biggest one of all. I touch my mouth, firing the memory back through. Nobody’s ever kissed me with the passion Jem did, and I’ve never kissed anybody back with a desire that matches theirs. I avoided kissing Dan unless I had no choice; I could stay disconnected from him that way.

Jem Jones kissed me like he meant it, as if he wanted me. Then seconds later, he kicked me to one side. Did he get what he wanted and then decide I’m not as attractive as he thought once he touched me? Or did he wake up to the fact the whole situation is complicated and wrong? The door to trusting Jem I’d opened is slammed shut, and now the key’s hidden. So he’s worried my situation with Dan might f-uck up the band? Newsflash, Jem Jones, you did.

No, I don’t hurt, it’s worse than that. I ache more than any physical or emotional pain Dan ever caused, my heart rent into pieces. With Dan, I was numb. With Jem, I feel everything.

After my morning shift, I call Jax and tell him I’m too sick to get to the studio this afternoon and spend the time I would’ve been with the band hiding under the duvet in my room. Is Dan right? Am I not worth anything to people? Am I that broken? Dan’s words circle my head, every cruel thing he’s ever said. Nobody would be interested in me. I’m worthless. I don’t deserve to be loved.

I didn’t expect Jem to fall in love with me but it’s clear I invested too much of my self-esteem into his approval, not just for the band but also for myself.

So how can I blame Jem? This is all my fault; it always is.

Evening arrives and I have to face the world again. I shower and dress for work, paint on my disguise. The shift is a blur, my usual poor customer service skills worse than ever. I spill drinks, slide food off plates, and end up reprimanded after a customer hears me call her something unpleasant under my breath.

Ten p.m. and I’m out. The August air is thick with moisture; the horrible breathable weather has hung around all this week. I hope it breaks soon because the oppressive humidity doesn’t help my mood - or my ability to sleep. My phone beeps and I freeze in the cafe doorway in case it’s Dan.

Jax checking up on me.

I send back a bright and breezy text informing him I’ll be at the studio in the morning and he replies with a smiley face. I’m not sure I will, or if I can face Jem yet. My head’s a mess.

Jax forgot to meet me again tonight. Steeling myself, I head between the buildings that run from the street the cafe’s on to the place where I park my car. I imagine the boys are at The Lion’s Head. Will Jem be with them for once?

Get out of my f-ucking head, Jem. I touch my mouth, pissed off I keep pulling out memories of his lips, his clean scent and the sensation of his rough cheek against mine; the way my body begged to meld with his. Be his. Why did I do it?

Someone slams into me from behind, knocking my breath and I stumble. Pain seers my scalp as my hair is yanked back and I’m pushed headfirst into a wall. Before I can put my arms out to stop, the rough brick scrapes my forehead.

Solid, hard muscle pins me to the wall, the overpowering smell of familiar deodorant. “You shouldn’t ignore me.”

“Dan,” I gasp. Survival mode kicks in and Tuesday comes back. “Sorry. I’ll talk now.”

Grabbing my hair, he pulls and slams my head against the wall. The stars are back and prettier than ever. This time the night sky comes with them, the darkness clouding my vision.

“I’m over talking to you. I’ve given you everything. I f-ucking loved you and look at what you did!” His voice is low and his breath smells of strong liquor.

“You don’t do this to people you love,” I say hoarsely. “You don’t hurt them.”

“Yeah, well I don’t love you anymore. I know you’re f-ucking Jem Jones. Or Jax. Maybe both, you stupid whore. Do you know how much it hurts that you treated me like this? You deserve to feel the pain I f-ucking feel.”