Repeat(41)

I climb onto my side of the bed and get comfortable. Maybe tomorrow I should just hide out in a closet. Take a mental health day and disappear from the world for a while. It might be best. Having all of the details about our breakup come out has been emotionally exhausting. Perhaps I should ask Ed if he wants to hide out with me. It’s been hellish for him too.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks, lying down on his side of the bed.

“Hiding out in a closet for a while. Taking a mini-break from life tomorrow.”

“Sounds good.”

“Well, you’d be very welcome. We’d just have to find a closet big enough for both of us.”

“Hmm.”

I roll over to face him. “I’m not going to say I’m sorry again because I’ve said that so many times and past a certain point it doesn’t really work, does it?”

“Still think I didn’t cheat on you?”

“I know you didn’t. It’s just not you.” So many feelings. It’s a lot to deal with. I turn onto my back, staring at the ceiling and around the walls. “Wonder if we’ll ever know what the hell was going on in my head back then?”

He makes a noise in his throat.

“Hey, is that Tessa?” I ask, pointing at the charcoal drawing of a woman’s lower back. The curve of hips and rounds of her ass cheeks. Probably not the wisest question, but whatever.

“Of course not. It’s you.”

“Oh.”

“Like I’d hang up a naked picture of another woman in our bedroom,” he says, shaking his head. “Haven’t been able to bring myself to take it down yet. First week after you left, I just drank. I was a fucking mess. Couldn’t believe it, you know? You’d always been a little insecure, but I thought we had it under control. I thought you knew how I felt . . .”

“Then you started dating other women a week or two later,” I add helpfully.

He cuts me a look. Not angry. Surprised maybe.

“All right. So maybe I’m a little upset about your swift timeline for that particular decision. And I’m not even going to bring up the whole issue regarding taking someone to my favorite restaurant, because . . . well, just because.”

“Clem, you left me,” he says. “Whatever version of yourself you’re currently operating as, you were the one that did the leaving. The dumping. So you don’t get to be upset about that.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

Weirdly enough, he smiles. Like he enjoys me being jealous or something. Though Lord only knows what the man actually thinks. “Then Tessa and Nevin kicked my ass and reminded me that I had a business to run, regardless of where you were at. So I pulled my shit together and . . . yeah. The dating was like the drinking. Me trying to distract myself from being fucking miserable twenty-four seven.”

“Frances said I was a mess too.”

He nods.

I go back to staring at the ceiling. It’s safer than ogling him. “Today was a big day. A lot happened and there is much to digest.”

Silence.

“What are you thinking about now?” he asks, face open and unguarded for about the first time in forever. The man’s even more beautiful this way. “Clem?”

“Lots of things. Beauty. Heartbreak. Loss. And sex, of course. I mean, we’re lying in bed together so it’s a bit hard not to be thinking about that on some level. It’s that whole physical awareness thing, you know?”

He’s quiet for a moment, then he says, “We fucked a lot in this room. We fucked in pretty much every room.”

Wow. “Really?”

“Didn’t think I could out-truth you, did you?” The corner of his lip curls upwards. “Well, I can.”

“What? It’s a competition now?”

“Leif was right; I should have just told you everything. Only talking about that stuff—it’s not easy. It’s like making it real all over again. But I think we’re both due a whole heaping lot of honesty, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yes, Ed, I would. Absolutely.”

“Go on then, ask me your questions. I know you’ve got some. You’ve always got some.”

“How many am I going to be allowed to ask?”

He considers this for a moment. “Not sure. Hit me with your worst one first and let’s go from there.”

“All right.” If the man wants to push at the boundaries of complete disclosure, then I’m more than happy to oblige. “Is your dick pierced? Because there was this book today about genital piercings and Iris was going on about the majesty of a Prince Albert proudly displayed or something. I can’t remember her exact wording. But it got me wondering.”

“No.” He laughs. “I’m obviously okay with needles in most places. Just not down there.”

“I don’t blame you. Must hurt like hell.”

He shakes his head, grinning.

“What?”

“Nothing. What else have you got?”

“Um, how many times have you been in love?”

His expression clears. “A couple. You kind of fall in and out of love, but to find something more lasting . . . that’s different. Special.”

“Iris said marriage was finding someone whose shit you could tolerate long-term. Someone you could imagine wanting to see and talk to every day for the rest of your life.”