Reminders of Him(88)

It was never a choice. Diem will always be the most important girl in my life, no matter what or who or when. But that doesn’t mean I’m not torn the fuck up right now.

It’s Patrick who opens the door, but Grace quickly joins him. I think she’s afraid there might be another fight. They both look a little surprised to see the state of my injuries, but Patrick offers up no apologies. I don’t expect him to.

I look them both in the eye. “Diem wanted to show me her turtle.”

The sentence is so simple, but I’m saying so much. That sentence translates to, “I chose Diem. Let’s go back to how things were before.”

Patrick eyes me for a moment, but then Grace steps aside and says, “She’s in her bedroom.”

It’s forgiveness and acceptance, but it’s not the forgiveness I really want from them. But I take it.

Diem is on her floor when I get to her doorway. The turtle is a foot away from her, and she’s trying to coax it toward her with a green LEGO.

“So, this is your turtle, huh?”

Diem sits up and beams a smile. “Yep.” She picks him up, and we meet at her bed. I sit down and lean against the headboard. She crawls to the middle of the bed and hands me the turtle, then curls up at my side. I place him on my leg, and he starts to crawl toward my knee.

“Why did NoNo hit you?” She’s looking at my lip when she asks this.

“Sometimes adults make bad decisions, D. I said something that hurt his feelings, and he got upset. It’s not his fault. It was my fault.”

“Are you mad at him?”

“No.”

“Is NoNo still mad?”

More than likely. “No.” I want to change the subject. “What’s your turtle’s name?”

Diem picks him up and lays him on her lap. “Ledger.”

I laugh. “You’re naming the turtle after me?”

“Yes. Because I love you.” She says that in the sweetest voice, and it makes my heart clench. I wish Kenna could be the recipient of Diem’s words right now.

I kiss her on top of the head. “I love you, too, D.”

I put her turtle in its aquarium and then I crawl back onto her bed and stay with her until she nods off. And then I stay a little while longer just to be certain she’s asleep.

I know Patrick and Grace love her, and I know they love me, so the last thing they would ever do is separate the two of us. They can be angry, but they also know how much Diem loves me, so even if the three of us can’t work our shit out, I know I’ll always be a huge part of Diem’s life. And as long as I’m a part of Diem’s life, I’m going to fight for what’s best for her.

I should have been doing it all along.

And what’s best for Diem is having her mother in her life.

It’s why I did what I did before I left Kenna’s apartment.

As soon as Kenna closed her bathroom door, I closed her apartment door and pretended to leave. Instead, I grabbed her phone. The password was an easy guess—Diem’s birthday. I opened her Google Docs and found the file with all the letters she’s written to Scotty, and I forwarded the file to my email address before sneaking out.

I stay in Diem’s bedroom and pull up Patrick and Grace’s printer network on my phone. I open my email and find the letter Kenna read to me, and I skip over all the rest of the letters she’s written Scotty. I’ve already violated her privacy enough by using her phone and forwarding these to myself. I don’t plan to read any of the others unless she tells me I can someday.

Tonight, I just need one of the letters.

I hit print, and I close my eyes and listen for the sound of the printer to activate in Patrick’s office across the hall.

I wait until it finishes printing, and then I sneak out of Diem’s bed and wait a moment in her room to make sure I didn’t wake her up. She’s sound asleep, so I slip out of her room and into Patrick’s office. I grab the letter off the printer and make sure all of it printed.

“Wish me luck, Scotty,” I whisper.

When I emerge from the hallway, they’re both in the kitchen. Grace is looking at her phone, and Patrick is emptying the dishwasher. They both look up at the same time.

“I have something I need to say, and I really don’t want to yell, but I will if I have to, so I think we should go outside because I don’t want to wake up Diem.”

Patrick closes the dishwasher. “We don’t really want to hear what you have to say, Ledger.” He motions toward the door. “You should go.”

I have a lot of empathy for them, but I’m afraid I’ve just met my limit. A wave of heat climbs up my neck, and I try to push down my anger, but it’s so hard when I’ve given them so much. I recall the words Kenna said to me right before I left her. Please don’t hate them.

“I’ve given my life to that little girl,” I say. “You owe this to me. I’m not leaving your property until we talk about this.” I walk out the front door and wait in their yard. A minute passes. Maybe two. I take a seat on their front patio. They’re either going to call the police or they’re going to come outside or they’re going to go to bed and ignore me. I’ll wait here until one of those three things happens.

It’s several minutes before I hear the door open behind me. I stand up and spin around. Patrick walks out of the house just far enough to give Grace space in the doorway. Neither of them looks open to what I’m about to say, but I have to say it anyway. There will never be a good time for this conversation. There will never be a good time to take the side of the girl who ruined their lives.