Reminders of Him(83)
I understand what he’s saying, but I think I’m tired of circling around this discussion because I’d like to not think about it for a while. Every time I’m with him, my situation is all I think about. It’s arduous, and to be honest, it’s scary.
I lift a hand to his cheek and brush a piece of couch fuzz away. “You really want to know how I feel?”
“Yes. That’s why I’m asking.”
“We both keep going back and forth. You worry, and then I worry, and then you worry, but the worry won’t solve this. I feel like this isn’t going to end well. Or maybe it will. Either way, we like being with each other, so until it ends well or ends terribly, I don’t really want to waste our time together going in circles about a future we can’t predict. So just get me naked and make love to me.”
Ledger shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “It’s like you read my mind.”
Maybe, but everything I just said out loud isn’t at all what I feel.
What I feel is terrified. I know in my heart that there’s nothing he can say that will change the Landrys’ minds about me. They aren’t even wrong. The decision they’re making for themselves is the right decision because it’s the decision that will bring them the most peace.
I’m going to respect that decision.
After tonight.
But right now, I’m going to be selfish and focus on the one person in this world who sees me the way I wish everyone could see me. And if that means I have to lie to him and pretend this story can possibly have a happy ending, then that’s what I’ll do.
I pull off his shirt, and then my shirt is next, followed by our jeans, and within seconds, we’re both naked and he’s putting on a condom. I don’t know why we’re rushing, but we’re doing everything with urgency. Kissing, touching, gasping as if we’re running out of time.
He kisses his way down my body until his head is between my legs. He kisses both thighs before slowly separating me with his tongue. The sensation is so strong I dig my heels into the mattress and slide up it, so he has to grip my thighs and pull my body back to his mouth. I reach for something to grab on to, but there’s not even a blanket, so I put my hands in his hair and keep them there, moving in rhythm with his head.
It doesn’t take me long to finish, and as the sensations roll through me and my legs tense, Ledger intensifies the motion of his tongue. I tremble and moan until I can’t take it anymore. I need him back inside me. I pull on his hair until he crawls up my body, and this time he pushes into me in one quick movement.
He thrusts so hard, over and over, until we somehow end up on the floor next to the inflatable mattress, covered in sweat and out of breath by the time it’s over.
We wind up in the shower together, my back against his chest. The water is running over us as he holds me quietly.
The thought of saying goodbye to him at some point makes me want to curl up and cry, so I try to convince myself that I’m wrong about the Landrys. I try to lie to myself by saying things will work out between us. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this month, but hopefully Ledger is right. Maybe one of these days he can change their minds.
Maybe he’ll say something to them that will plant a seed, and that seed will grow and grow until they start to feel empathy for me.
Whatever happens, I’ll always be grateful to him for the forgiveness he gave me, whether I get it from anyone else or not.
I turn around and face him; then I lift my hand and touch his cheek. “I would have fallen for you even if you didn’t love Diem.”
His expression shifts, and then he kisses the inside of my palm. “I fell for you because of how much you do.”
Dammit, Ledger.
I kiss him for that.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
LEDGER
It’s funny how life works out. I should be waking up in an oceanfront resort next to my brand-new wife, celebrating our honeymoon right now.
Instead, I’m waking up on an inflatable mattress in a barren apartment, next to a woman I’ve spent so many years angry at. If someone would have showed me this moment in a crystal ball last year, I would have wondered what could possibly have happened that would cause me to make a string of horrible decisions.
But now that I’m in this moment, I realize I’m here because I finally have clarity. I’ve never felt more certain about the choices I’ve made in my life than I do today.
I don’t want Kenna to wake up yet. She looks peaceful, and I need a moment to formulate a plan for today. I want to confront this sooner rather than later.
I’m scared of what the outcome will be, so a huge part of me wants to wait a couple of weeks so Kenna and I can live in secret bliss, full of hope that things are going to go her way.
But the longer we wait, the sloppier we’re going to get. The last thing I want is for Patrick and Grace to find out I’ve been lying to them before I can calmly confront them with my thoughts.
Kenna moves her arm to cover her eyes and then rolls onto her side. She tucks herself against me and moans. “It’s so bright in here.” Her voice is raspy and sexy.
I run my hand down her waist, over her hip, and then grip her thigh, pulling her leg over me. I kiss her cheek. “Sleep well?”
She laughs against my neck. “Sleep well? We had sex three times and then had to share a full-size inflatable mattress. I think I slept an hour, tops.”