Reminders of Him(91)

My hand is trembling when I bring it to my chest. “I . . . I get to meet her?”

Grace nods, and then she hugs me when I fall apart. She runs a soothing hand over the back of my head and allows me several minutes to absorb everything that’s happening.

This is everything I’ve ever wanted, and it’s coming at me all at once. It’s both physically and emotionally overwhelming. I’ve had dreams like this before. Dreams where Grace shows up to forgive me and lets me meet Diem, but then I wake up alone and realize it was a cruel nightmare. Please let this be real.

“Ledger is probably dying not knowing what’s going on in here.” She stands up and walks to the door to open it for him.

Ledger’s eyes search frantically until they land on mine. When I smile at him, he immediately relaxes, as if my smile is the only thing that mattered in this moment.

He pulls Grace in for a hug first. I hear him whisper, “Thank you,” against her ear.

She looks at me before she leaves my apartment. “I’m making lasagna tonight. I want you to come for dinner.”

I agree with a nod. Grace leaves, and Ledger is wrapping me in his arms before she even closes the door.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I say it over and over, because I know this would never have happened if it weren’t for him. “Thank you.” I kiss him. “Thank you.” When I finally stop thanking and kissing him long enough to pull back and look him in the eye, I see he’s crying too. It fills me with a sense of gratitude like I’ve never known.

I am so grateful for him. To him.

This might be the exact moment I fall in love with Ledger Ward.



“I’m about to be sick.”

“Want me to pull over?”

I shake my head. “No. Drive faster.”

Ledger squeezes my knee reassuringly.

It was torture having to wait until this afternoon to make our way to Patrick and Grace’s house. I wanted him to take me to Diem as soon as Grace left my apartment, but I want everything to be on their terms. I’ll be as patient as I need to be.

I’m going to respect their rules. I’ll respect their timeline, and their choices, and their wishes. I’m going to show them as much respect as I know they’ve shown my daughter.

I know they’re good people. Scotty loved them. They’re just also hurt people, so I respect the time they needed to come to this decision.

I’m nervous I’m going to do something wrong. Say something wrong. The only other time I’ve been inside their house was such a series of missteps, and I need this time to be different because there’s so much at stake.

We pull into Ledger’s driveway, but we don’t immediately get out of the truck. He gives me a pep talk and kisses me about ten times, but then I become more nervous and excited than I’ve ever been, and the emotions all start to run together. If I don’t get it over with, I might explode.

He holds my hand tightly in his as we cross the street, and walk across grass Diem has played on, and knock on the door to the house Diem lives in.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

I’m squeezing Ledger’s hand like I’m in the middle of an intense contraction.

The door finally opens, and standing right in front of me is Patrick. He looks nervous, but he somehow smiles through it. He pulls me in for a hug, and it isn’t just a forced hug because I’m standing in front of him, or because his wife encouraged him to hug me.

It’s a hug full of so many things. Enough things that when Patrick pulls away, he has to wipe at his eyes. “Diem is out back with her turtle,” he says, motioning down the hallway.

There are no harsh words from him, no negative energy. I don’t know if now is the right time to apologize, but since Patrick is pointing us toward Diem’s location, I feel like they want to save whatever sits between the three of us for later.

Ledger holds my hand as we walk into the house. I’ve been in the house before and I’ve been in the backyard before, so there’s a sense of familiarity that’s comforting. But everything else is frightening. What if she doesn’t like me? What if she’s mad at me?

Grace appears from the kitchen, and I pause before we head to the backyard. I look at Grace. “What have you told her? About my absence? I just want to make sure . . .”

Grace shakes her head. “We really haven’t talked to her about you at all. She asked once why she didn’t live with her mother, and I told her your car wasn’t big enough.”

I laugh nervously. “What?”

Grace shrugs. “I panicked. I didn’t know what to say.”

My car isn’t big enough? I can work with that. In my mind, I had feared they had poisoned her against me. I should have known better.

“We thought we’d leave the rest up to you,” Patrick says. “We weren’t sure how much you wanted her to know.”

I nod and smile and try not to cry. I look at Ledger, and he’s like an anchor by my side, keeping me steady. “Will you come with me?”

We walk toward the back door. I can see her sitting in the grass. I watch her from the screen door for a couple of minutes, wanting to take in everything about her before whatever comes next. I’m scared of what comes next. Terrified, really. This is almost the exact same feeling as being in labor with her. I was terrified, in uncharted territory, but also full of more hope and excitement and love than I’d ever felt.