Perfectly Adequate(83)

Warren cocks his head to the side. My skin turns red as he studies me. I refuse to look at him, but I know he’s visually interrogating me.

“Holy … shit … it’s true. You and Hawkins.”

“Nope.” I shake my head. “At least … not anymore.” And that is my biggest fault. I absolutely cannot lie to save my life, or Eli’s life, or a small village of starving children halfway around the world. And while I hate lies because I can never see past them, I envy those who can do it so well.

I turn and keep walking. Warren doesn’t follow me. I think he can’t move his legs after my unintended confession leaves him paralyzed with disbelief. Knowing he knows will drive me insane, so I have to confess to Eli that I let it slip.

Me: Dr. Warren knows we had sex. I told him we are not having sex now. Hope you’re not mad.

It takes him less than ten seconds to respond, probably because he has nothing better to do than sit on his butt all day.

Dr. Hawkins: Hi. Do I know you? I feel like you’re someone I used to know and call and TEXT a lot with no reply. Hmm … let me think.

I roll my eyes just as he sends a second text.

Dr. Hawkins: Actually, I’m livid that we’re not having sex now. Why is that?

Squinting my eyes, I dissect his response to sort fact from fiction. He’s joking. Right?

Me: You’re in a cast. You had surgery for internal bleeding. You’re back with Dr. Hathaway.

Dr. Hawkins: I fucking miss you so much I can’t breathe.

I frown.

Me: Okay. I have to work. Take care.

*

Elijah

“Why the long face?” Julie asks, glancing up from her spot on the floor next to Roman.

They’re putting an elephant puzzle together on the coffee table next to the sofa. It’s been a lazy Sunday afternoon of books and puzzles with football, hot chocolate, and cookies. Julie looks comfortable and completely at home. Her easy smile gives me a glimpse of what our life might have been had we not divorced.

“Sorry.” I recover with an easy smile that mirrors hers. “I didn’t mean to have a long face. I’m just a little tired.”

“Then take a nap.”

I shake my head. “Tired of living on the sofa. It’s not fun. I miss running and working. I miss driving and chasing Roman.”

“I’m sure, babe. But tomorrow is your day.”

Babe.

Yes. Tomorrow I get my cast off. No more crutches. And then what?

“Look, Daddy!” Roman jumps up and down after fitting the last piece into the puzzle.

“That’s amazing, buddy. Good job.”

He jumps up on the sofa. Julie no longer stops him. She knows I’ve healed enough to handle his full body excitement. As Julie climbs up next to us, I give Roman a big kiss.

“Mommy help too! Give Mommy a kiss too!”

My smile fades a bit, but Julie’s expression beams with hope. Why? Where was this hope when I wanted it? When I felt like I needed it more than anything?

“Kiss Mommy!” Roman slaps my cheeks, pushing them into fish lips.

“How about I give Mommy a high five.”

I hold up my hand.

Julie laughs.

“No. Kiss her!”

“Okay, buddy. One kiss.” Julie pulls him away from me.

What? No. Fuck no. Not one kiss.

She leans, grinning. “For Roman,” she whispers before pressing her mouth to mine.

I don’t move, and she doesn’t really move her mouth much either, but she also doesn’t pull away. It’s more than a peck. It’s as if she’s waiting to see if I take the bait.

My head jerks to the side as Roman claps. “Yay! Kisses for Mommy!” He jumps off the sofa.

Julie looks at me, keeping her face right next to mine. “Eli …” she whispers.

“Put him down for a nap.”

“Eli—”

“Jesus, Jules … Just do it.”

She nods slowly, rejection ghosting across her face.

As soon as they reach the top of the stairs, I grab my crutches, tie my right shoe onto one of them, and make my way outside, ordering a cab to pick me up down the street. If it doesn’t show up by the time Roman goes to sleep, I don’t want Julie seeing me waiting in the driveway.

Forty minutes later, I’m dropped off at the hospital, my hospital.

“Dr. Hawkins! Good to see you!” one of the ER nurses greets me.

“Thanks,” I mumble, making my way to the elevator. When the doors close, I message Dr. Andrews, the pediatric oncologist.

Me: You working?

Dr. Andrews: Hey! Leaving soon. You coming back to work soon?

Me: I’m on my way up. I need a favor.

Dr. Andrews went to school with Dr. Warren. He’s single and works a ton of hours. And he’ll do what I tell him, so I don’t have to deal with colleagues of equal rank refusing to do me this little favor.

“Dang … still in the cast, huh?” Dr. Andrews greets me at the elevator.

I work my crutches toward the nearest vacant room. “Yeah, but not for long. I’m scheduled to have it removed tomorrow.”

“That’s great. So what’s the favor?”

I ease onto the table. “I want you to remove it now.”

He laughs. “But you just said it’s coming off tomorrow. I’m not your doctor, and what’s one more day?”