Perfectly Adequate(85)

She chokes on a sob as I grab my crutches and leave my office.





CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE





Dorothy


“Wow! Really, Dorothy? Where have you been? I know you’re an adult, but we’ve been—” Mom’s hand covers her face when I look up, letting her see my swollen eyes from crying.

All. The. Tears.

I left the hospital at eight. Worked out for two hours. Then sat in my car outside the gym crying for two more hours.

“Dorothy …” Mom scuffs her slippered feet across the floor and pulls me into her arms.

I don’t even cry. Everything feels numb, like all my feelings resided in my tears, and I have no more tears left—and no more feelings.

Not joy.

Not love.

Not anger.

Nothing.

“What happened?”

“He hates me.”

“Who?” She pulls back, holding me at arm’s length.

“Eli.”

“No.” Mom shakes her head.

I nod slowly, still feeling no emotion. No tears. No smiles. Just nothing.

“Why do you think that?”

“I chose Roman instead of us. How is that wrong?” I manage to furrow my brow because I still don’t get it. I’ll never get it.

“It’s not wrong, baby girl. It’s brave. It’s honest. It’s kind beyond words. And Eli can’t understand because he loves you. And speaking as someone who loves you very much, I know he’s hurting because the idea of living without you is pretty unbearable.”

I turn toward my bedroom. “Goodnight.”

“Dorothy …” She follows me to my room.

“He said it was my decision. And I chose Roman. Then he said Roman wasn’t my choice to make. And he blames me. But it should have been his choice. Julie and Roman or me and part-time Roman. But he kept trying to make the wrong choice. And I can’t live like that. That’s too much pressure to not screw up and make him regret choosing me. Too much pressure to be something good enough that he doesn’t miss Roman when he’s not with him … when he only has me. And what if he doesn’t have me someday? I could die. Or move. Or be spectacularly me like I’ve been with all of my relationships … all of my failed relationships. Then what? Dr. Hathaway is not going to wait for him forever.”

Mom gets a clean nightshirt out of my drawer and one of my favorite pair of practical, boring white panties. “Go shower. Get some sleep. Clarity will come with time. Forgiveness will come with time. So don’t watch the clock. Do your thing. Live your life. Then one day you’ll realize that this was nothing more than an experience to help you deal with something else down the road. Eli is extremely lucky to have had you in his life, even if it was only temporary.”

I nod. Taking the shirt and panties from her. “I hope so.”

*

Elijah

“Hi.” Julie sits up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. The blanket falls from her body and off the sofa onto the floor. She checks her phone on the coffee table. “One a.m. Are you okay?” Her gaze lands on my leg as I limp into the room without my crutches, slipping off my hoodie.

“No. I’m not okay.” I ease into the chair across from the sofa.

She retrieves the blanket from the floor and wraps it around her again, nestling into the corner of the sofa, red hair messy from sleeping. “Want to talk about it?”

“No.” I stare blankly at her.

“How did you get home?”

“Cab.” I scratch my forehead, pinching my dry eyes shut for a few seconds.

“I guess you don’t need to get your cast removed tomorrow.”

I shake my head.

She blows out a slow breath. “Have I lost you, Eli?”

How do I answer that? The answer should be glaringly obvious. Right? I mean … she divorced me. How can you say you’ve lost something you willingly, even eagerly, gave away—released, let go?

“You made me feel like nothing. Less than nothing.” I grunt a laugh. “I mean … is that even possible? I think so. It wasn’t that you just didn’t want me, it’s that you despised me. And I get it.” I finally glance up at her, meeting her anguished expression. “You had … you have something going on that’s out of your control. But I didn’t know that. And neither did you. And that nothingness radiated to every cell in my body, taking over my existence. And for so long I felt like only you could bring me back to life. I felt like I would never be me again without you.”

I shake my head slowly. “God … I felt like you were this force by which I lived my life. And when you left, it felt like the sun stopped shining. Like I didn’t know how to exist in a world that didn’t revolve around you. I let you be my everything. So when you left, I had nothing. Except Roman. And for so long I clung to him for the wrong reasons. He was you. The only piece of you I still had. A tiny sliver of my existence that you didn’t … that you couldn’t take away.”

“Eli … I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. God … don’t apologize for being bipolar. That’s fucked-up. It would be like my patients apologizing for having cancer. Apologizing for suffering. Apologizing for dying.”