Pen Pal(61)

And why the fuck am I still wearing the damn thing? What am I holding onto?

More questions that require answers.

Deb says gently, “I was just saying we girls need to stick together.”

It’s obvious that’s not what she was saying. She’s being kind, letting me know that she can tell I’m a big mess, but that she’s pulling for me.

Jake, on the other hand, is giving me a steely stare. He’s not cutting me any slack. He turns to Aidan and asks him how the house build is going, an obvious ploy to move the conversation in a different direction.

They talk about the project while I sit and listen in uncomfortable silence, every once in a while offering a tight smile in response to a worried glance from Deb.

This is a disaster. I’m a disaster. I can’t even pull off a ten-minute conversation with other people without making a fool of myself. I’ve probably embarrassed poor Aidan in every way the man could be embarrassed, first assuming his best friend’s wife is a fuck buddy, then toying with my wedding band and spacing out about my husband.

I shouldn’t be here.

The moment that thought crosses my mind, Aidan drapes his arm over my shoulders and gives me a squeeze.

Flooded with emotion, I swallow and look down, blinking rapidly to clear the water from my eyes.

Deb says, “I’ve got to go to the little girls’ room. Kayla, want to join me?”

The woman is a saint.

I nod gratefully, then stand and follow her away from the table, feeling Aidan’s gaze on my back as I go.

As soon as we’re inside the ladies room and the door closes behind us, I lean against the sink, cover my face with my hands, and exhale hard.

Deb rests a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. He understands.”

I drop my hands and look at her helplessly. “Understands what? That I’m a moron?”

Deb’s brown eyes are as kind as the rest of her. She smiles gently at me and says, “Oh, honey. Aidan’s been through hell, too. He knows the only way to get through it is to keep going until you reach the other side. You’ll get there. You just have to trust the process.”

She turns and locks herself into a stall. I stand staring at the closed door until the toilet flushes and she reemerges. As she stands at the sink to wash her hands, I say, “He really has told you all about me.”

She pulls a paper towel from the dispenser on the sink. Drying her hands, she nods. “It isn’t often Aidan likes someone, so you’ll have to forgive me for getting excited. We haven’t been on a double date with him in years.”

She tosses the crinkled paper in the trash, then steps past me and pulls open the bathroom door. “Come on, girlfriend. If we stay in here much longer, they’ll start to worry and come looking for us. And trust me when I tell you that’s not something we want to happen.”

“The worrying part or the looking for us part?”

She laughs. “Both.”

I smile, thinking I actually quite like it when Aidan comes looking for me. Hide-and-seek is my new favorite game because of him.

When we approach the table, Aidan and Jake abruptly stop talking. Judging by their body language and the tension in the air, we interrupted an argument. Deb and I take our seats, then there’s a long, awkward silence where nobody says anything or looks at each other.

When Jake scowls at my left hand, I have a feeling I know what the argument was about.

He says aggressively, “Can I ask you a question, Kayla?”

Aidan sends Jake a blistering glare and warns, “Leave it alone.”

“No, it’s okay,” I say. “Go ahead.”

He rests his forearms on the table and points at Aidan. “This man doesn’t deserve any bullshit.”

Aidan says through gritted teeth, “Jake.”

I say, “I agree, he doesn’t. What’s your question?”

“What are you doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what are you doing with him,” he pauses to send a pointed stare to my ring finger, “when you’re obviously otherwise committed?”

Infuriated, Aidan turns to me. “Don’t answer that.” He turns back to Jake. “You’re out of fucking line.”

“He’s just watching out for you,” I say softly.

“I don’t need watching out for.”

As Aidan and Jake glare at each other, Deb rests her hand on Jake’s forearm. She says gently, “Honey. Let it go.”

Jake snaps, “The hell I will! He’s my best friend. I’ve watched him get shit on and beat up and kicked around by life for way too long. And he’s finally in a good place, after years of the worst this world has to offer.” He turns away from Deb and pins me in a cold stare. “Then you came along.”

He drops his gaze to my finger and stares accusingly at my wedding ring.

Aidan hisses, “For fuck’s sake!”

Mimicking Deb’s gesture, I rest my hand on Aidan’s tense forearm. My heart pounding, I look into Jake’s angry eyes and say quietly, “You asked what I’m doing. Here’s the answer. The best I can, like everyone else. I recently went through a huge transition. I’m not over it. I don’t know how long it will take to get over it. But in the meantime, I’m living my life and figuring it out. I’m taking things one day at a time, just trying to sort through all the confusion. But I’m not otherwise committed. There’s no one else.”