Park Avenue Player(97)

Anytime I caught myself analyzing that fact, I reminded myself that right now the focus had to be on laying her to rest. And at the moment, I was doing what I needed to keep things moving: making a photo collage of her to be displayed at the funeral. I’d purchased two large canvas boards that I planned to cover with photographs. Sifting through albums in her bedroom, I removed the photos I felt best represented her life from childhood to adulthood. There were even a couple photos of Hollis and Bree when they were kids. I definitely stared at those the longest. I’d never seen photos of Hollis as a child until now. His hair was lighter, but he had the same beautiful face.

Richard had sent around an email to close family and friends asking if any of us wished to speak at her funeral. He asked us to “reply all” to the message so all the recipients could stay in the loop as to who was doing what.

I replied that it would be my pleasure to speak. Hollis indicated that he wasn’t sure how Anna would feel about him giving a speech, so he offered his help in any other way that was needed. He didn’t know I knew this, but Richard told me Hollis had insisted on covering the entire cost of the funeral. Richard had refused the money, but I knew Hollis would find a way to pay for it.

***

Because of Bree’s wishes, the family opted to skip a wake and planned just one service at the church, as opposed to a funeral parlor. The service would be followed by a burial. Her casket would be situated on the altar, surrounded by candles and flowers. She’d be put up on a pedestal, which was what she deserved.

Both Hollis and I arrived at the service early, but separately. He was dressed in a dark suit and pacing in front of the church when I arrived. I was certain he was reluctant to go in. As was I.

He spotted me as I approached.

“How are you doing?” I asked.

“I should be asking you that question,” he said.

“Pretty sure the answer is the same for both of us.” I adjusted his tie. “We’re early.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to risk getting stuck in traffic. I’ve been here for a while.”

“How is Hailey?” I asked.

“She misses you, but she’s doing great. She’s really taken to Addison’s dogs. She and Peter have a big day planned—dog park and giving the mutts baths. I’m certain she’ll start begging me for one soon.”

“Not sure how Huey would like that. We wouldn’t want him to start barking, too.”

Hollis cracked a reluctant smile, probably just to appease me. This was certainly not the time for jokes, although I was desperate to feel anything but this pain.

“Anyway,” I said, “I’ll have to find a way to thank Addison for taking over for me.”

He looked down at his watch. “Why don’t we go inside?”

Hollis placed his hand on the small of my back as we walked into the church together. That slight touch gave me an ounce of comfort, as did how packed the church was. Addison was seated in the back pew and smiled sadly at both of us as we passed. I hadn’t even thought about her coming, but of course, she had—they were all friends at one time, and she and Hollis were thick as thieves.

The photo collages I’d made were displayed in the foyer, surrounded by white hydrangeas—Bree’s favorite flower. Hollis stopped to take in the images.

His eyes landed on the two photos of himself and Bree as kids. “Who put these together?”

“I did.”

I hoped he wasn’t mad, since I hadn’t checked with him to see if it was okay to use photos of him.

His eyes hadn’t left them. “Where did you find these?”

“In her closet.”

“I’m surprised she still had them.”

“She kept a lot of albums. She also collected concert ticket stubs, from, like, every concert she ever attended.”

“She loved going to live shows.”

Hollis leaned on the table for support and let out a deep breath. He shook his head.

“What are you thinking right now?” I asked.

He kept staring at the photos. “I just regret all of the years I didn’t speak to her, that I never checked in on her long enough to even know she was sick.”

“The way you handled it was understandable given the circumstances. That’s what most people would have done.”

He refused to accept that. “No. First and foremost, Anna and I were friends. That was how we started at a very young age. I wish I’d had a little more respect for that. I should’ve put my feelings aside and contacted her to make sure she was okay. That’s what friends fucking do. Not sure I can ever forgive myself for being so egotistical.”

“You don’t know whether she would have been forthright if you had. She never wanted people to perceive her as sick. She never talked about it until she had to.” Looking over at a photo of Bree and me, I said, “We all look back and wish we could have done things differently. When we lose people, we think about all the things we should have said or done. Like, I wish I hadn’t wasted so much of her precious time venting about my problems. She never seemed disinterested, even though she had so much of her own stuff going on. I never really thought anything would happen to her, as sick as she was. I’m still waiting for this to sink in.”

“I’ve been struggling a lot with the question of whether she’d want me here,” he said. “I basically abandoned her after she broke up with me. She would never expect me to be here, Elodie, even though I feel like I really need to be here.”