Our Kind of Cruelty(59)



Xander said that he’s been told to expect a trial date for early January. In all likelihood it’s going to take place at the Old Bailey because of the nature of the case and the public interest. And, as he assured me, we will be tried together, sitting for the duration within touching distance of each other at the back of the courtroom.

He knows V’s barrister, Petra Gardner, and says she’s formidable. I asked if we’re on the same side, V and I, and he laughed and said no, not really. It made me feel odd, him saying that. It was nearly enough to make me tell him to stop, but I have to keep remembering how this will really be a new beginning for us. I have to hold on to the fact that we are not fighting each other and ultimately both want the same thing. We both need to look to the future.



Elaine and my mother arrived on the same day. Elaine in person and my mother courtesy of the Daily Mirror. I folded my mother in half and laid her on my bunk, but she stayed in my head as I walked down the steps towards the visiting room and Elaine. My mother was alive and the thought gave me an unexpected rush of joy which pricked at my heart and lifted me along.

Elaine had lost weight and her winter coat hung off her frame as she walked between the tables towards me.

‘Oh Mikey,’ she said, reaching over for my hands. ‘My poor boy, what have you done?’

The shock of her kindness made me start. ‘I’m sorry, Elaine.’

‘I just don’t understand. What happened?’ Her kindly face fell and swayed beneath the weight of it all.

‘It was an accident. He came to the house in the middle of the night and attacked me and I punched him in self-defence.’ Xander had schooled me so well I couldn’t remember any more what was really true and what was necessary truth, as Xander called it.

‘And now Verity’s been arrested too. It doesn’t make any sense.’ Elaine’s eyes were begging me to tell her something palatable, something she could take home to Barry like a present.

‘Verity was going to leave him to be with me.’

‘Oh, Mike. But she says you assaulted her, that you’d been hassling her.’

‘It’s very complicated.’

‘But were you two having an affair?’

‘Not an affair exactly. It was more like it never stopped between us. We’d met a few times and talked about her leaving Angus. She felt very guilty about it all.’

Elaine’s eyes were small like a mouse, but she kept them on me. ‘If that’s true then why is she saying all that stuff about you forcing your way into her house and turning up outside her work?’

I was arrested for the assault last week, a technicality really considering I am already in prison. When Xander told me what was going to happen I think I got a bit angry and shouted, although it’s hazy in my mind. He said it wasn’t ideal and asked if I could be sure I hadn’t assaulted V, which was a preposterous question. Then he asked why I thought she might be saying I had. I couldn’t answer him at the time, but I can now. I’ve worked it out. It’s another part of the Crave. My information got her arrested and so she’s throwing it back at me. She’s angry because she doesn’t yet understand what I’m doing, but really we’re just playing, we don’t mean any of this, it will all pass as everything does.

‘Mike,’ Elaine said. ‘Did she ask you to hurt Angus?’

‘It’s hard to explain.’

Elaine lowered her voice. ‘Do you think it’s possible you have a different perception than Verity of what happened?’

‘No,’ I said, remembering how our lips had met, her gasp of desire, ‘no, absolutely not.’

‘I just can’t make sense of it,’ Elaine said again. ‘Verity was always such a lovely girl. I was so fond of her.’ She squinted at me. ‘Your lawyer asked me lots of questions about your relationship. I don’t believe you planned this together.’

I looked down and felt my heat rise. I couldn’t think of a way of explaining it to Elaine. ‘It wasn’t like that. It’s not a simple case.’

They say visiting time lasts for two hours but I often hear inmates shouting from their cells about how they only get an hour and a half and their (insert a female name here) has had to travel seven hours to visit them. Elaine was my first visitor so I have no idea if the hour and a half we spent together was normal or not, but I could have done with the time being halved. In the end she gave up trying to ask me about the case and began one of the polite conversations I’d heard her have too many times with neighbours and shopkeepers. I couldn’t bear that and almost wished we could go back to talking about what I’d done. It felt like I was falling away from her eyes, as if the more she looked at me the less she could see me, so all she could think to say was how awful the fog was and what did they serve for Christmas dinner in here?

As soon as Elaine left I wished I’d been brave enough to tell her what I really thought: V had married Angus because she believed herself to be in love with him because of the pain I’d caused her with Carly. She thought I didn’t love her any more and made herself believe she was in love with Angus. It is even possible that she still doubts my love, which would explain why she is accusing me of assault: because she can’t believe I meant it when I kissed her. She didn’t want Angus dead, but she didn’t want to remain married to him and she needed my help to achieve this, help she asked for in a way only I would be able to interpret.

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