Our Kind of Cruelty(50)

Her words cut through my thoughts and I raised myself on to my arms. ‘V, please.’

But she smiled so sweetly through her tears. ‘Come on, you know this isn’t right, Mikey.’

‘Of course it’s right,’ I nearly shouted.

‘No, no, we’re not the ones who skulk around.’

I hovered over her, unsure what she meant.

‘Mike,’ she said, more firmly now, ‘I don’t want it to be like this. Do you understand what I’m saying?’

I rolled off her and we lay next to each other on the floor for a while, neither of us speaking or moving. In the end I rolled on to my side and traced my finger down the side of her face. Her eyes were open and she was staring at the ceiling. I leant over and kissed her cheek. ‘Do you want to come home with me now?’

She sat up slowly, her back turned towards me, and I saw she was shivering. It wasn’t cold, so it made me worried that she was ill. ‘Do you want me to get you a jumper or something?’ She shook her head. ‘You should pack a bag at least.’

‘You can’t expect me to just leave Angus like that.’

I sat up as well and turned her round, so we were facing each other on the floor. ‘For fuck’s sake, V. Enough about bloody Angus.’

She reached forward and took my hand. ‘Come on, Mike, we’re not mean people, are we? I can’t very well just walk out on him. I’ve treated him pretty shabbily, you must agree?’

Personally I would have let Angus stew, but V is nicer than me. ‘We’ve never cared about the other people before.’

‘But this is different. We’ve gone much further this time. I think you should go home and I’ll tell Angus everything tomorrow. I have to do it in person. He’s going to be devastated.’

‘I hate the thought of you spending one more second with him.’ The hall light was very bright and it made it hard to think straight.

‘Come on,’ she said soothingly. ‘I want to do this properly. Or it’s going to colour our life together.’

‘I wish Angus just didn’t bloody exist.’

I stared at her dipped head concealing her whirling brain, wishing with every fibre of my being that she would repeat the words I had just said. Yes, that’s what I wish as well, was all I wanted to hear. She breathed deeply into her chest, so it rose and fell, then looked up at me and it was like looking straight into the old Verity, as if all the artifice and pretence of the last year had evaporated and we were all that was left.

She held my gaze as she reached over and put her hand on my chest, her eyes welling with tears. ‘Oh God, Mike, I hate this. Sometimes I wish things were different.’ Her gaze flickered as she drew in a breath and her eyes clouded slightly. ‘But life can be cruel,’ she said, her voice quivering on the words.

‘How about if I come and tell him for you? I can’t bear you doing it alone.’

But she stood up and with it I felt the moment dissolving into tiny fragments of dust. I wanted to scrabble about for them on the floor. ‘I’ll be fine,’ she said firmly, even though her voice was shaking. ‘It’s getting late, Mike. Why don’t you head home and I’ll be in touch tomorrow.’

I looked at the stairs leading up and down. I had imagined taking her home with me and how she would feel in our bed, curled into my body. The thought of leaving her here was almost more than I could bear. ‘You know I’d do anything for you, don’t you V?’

‘Yes, of course I do.’ She walked towards the door. ‘And you must know that for now it’s best we do this.’

And naturally she was right. There would have been something underhand about slipping away into the night, as if we were ashamed at what we’d done, which would have been absurd as nothing was more right than V and me.

She opened the door and I stood half in, half out. ‘Let me know as soon as you’ve done it.’ I leant back down and kissed her again on the lips. ‘This was our best ever Crave.’



I emailed her as soon as I got home:

Darling V,

I love you, my sweet, my everything. I am so glad we’ve sorted it all out and you will be back where you belong with me. You’re going to love the house, but of course you can change it any way you like. We can even move if you want to. I’ve been thinking recently about making a change. Maybe even going to live by the coast. But we’ve got acres of time to discuss all that and of course I’d never make you do anything you don’t want to.

Email me as soon as you’ve spoken to Angus. Or if you need to contact me quickly my phone number is 07700 900734.

As ever, I crave you,

Your Eagle, Mike



I slept better than I had done since Christmas, waking to the blissful realisation that by that evening V would be in the house. I called in sick to work and spent the day preparing for her arrival. I told Anna that I would pay her triple if she could get the planting finished by the end of the day and she made a phone call and five Polish men arrived. I went to the shops and bought flowers, champagne, halibut, salad, the water V likes in the blue bottle and some of her favourite perfume for the bathroom. I cleaned and tidied all day, straightening straight sheets, plumping plump cushions, shining shiny taps. I carried all my weights to the basement and emptied the bins.

I checked my email throughout the day, but I didn’t start to wonder at V’s silence until about three-ish. There was an email from Kaitlyn asking if I was OK and whether or not I needed anything, but I didn’t bother to reply. Anna came in at four to say they’d pretty much finished. She’d be back to completely finish up in the next couple of days, but it was as good as done. I walked round the space with her and I don’t think I exclaimed as much as she expected, but I’d paid her a small fortune, so I didn’t really care. Although I probably should have been more effusive because she’d done exactly what I’d asked and the garden was very beautiful, swaying and sashaying in the breeze. The Polish men traipsed back through the house and I hoovered and washed the kitchen and hall floors.