Off the Deep End (40)

He laughs, too, just like they all did. The mood in the room instantly brightens. So does my heart. “You don’t talk about the restraining order much,” he says, still smiling.

I flick my hand at him and give him a coy look. “Who wants to talk about a silly thing like a restraining order?”

His eyes twinkle. Is he flirting with me? “Um, hello? Have you just met me? I thought we were better friends than that.” He motions back and forth between us.

That was flirting. He is definitely flirting. “There’s really not much to tell. Amber filed a restraining order against me because she didn’t understand my relationship with Isaac.”

He tilts his head to the side. “I think it was a little bit more than that, don’t you think?”

“Whatever do you mean?” I tilt my head right back.

“Did it have something to do with the hair?”

I giggled. “You know about the hair? Is that in the report?”

“Yes to both.” He smiles back. If this is the way he wants to get his information, then I’ll play along because I kind of like it. Plus, we’re finally getting to the good stuff. It’s about time.

“The hair.” I can’t help but smile, taking in a deep cleansing breath and letting it out slowly. My therapist would be so proud of me. My real therapist. The one I see every Tuesday and Thursday whether I want to or not. Not Dr. Stephens. “That’s something you definitely wouldn’t understand.”

He smiles. That smile. So cute. There’s the tiniest dimple in the right cheek. I’m a sucker for dimples. Always have been.

“I don’t know about you, but I tend to think I’ve been doing pretty good so far understanding what some of the other psychologists you’ve seen haven’t been able to. Now, I could be wrong, and I have no problem admitting I’m wrong when I am, but”—he nods his head confidently—“I think I’m right. What do you think?”

I’m not sure he understands like he thinks he does, but he’s done the best job listening and not trying to fix me. He doesn’t even look at me like I’m broken. He makes me feel like I’m a real person.

“You’ve done a decent job,” I say, smiling back at him wide.

He doesn’t try to hide that he’s pleased.

“Do you believe in God?” I ask next.

He balks. “I uh . . . I hadn’t expected that question . . . I can’t remember the last time someone asked me that. I just, I don’t know,” he stammers, trying to figure out how to answer something like that from a therapist’s perspective.

I laugh at him playfully. “It’s okay. I’m not trying to convert you to any kind of weird religion or anything. I’m not even religious myself. Never have been. I wasn’t a person into any of the spiritual stuff, so there’s no right or wrong answer to the question. This isn’t a test. It’s just easier to understand if you do.”

My parents never even took me to church growing up. I guess that’s why they always say that you never know how you’ll react in a situation until you’re in it, even if you think you do. I wouldn’t have understood such a profound soul connection with someone else, especially someone so young, if it hadn’t happened to me.

“There are all kinds of different love, and people always act like romantic love is the greatest love of all, like that’s the one you should strive for above all the others. We’re constantly bombarded with the idea that you’ve lost out on the best part of life if you haven’t achieved great romantic love by the end of it. I always believed that fairy tale too.” I let out another laugh. This one’s bitter. It leaves a dirty taste in my mouth. “I thought I had that—the ultimate fairy-tale life. I’d achieved what I’d dreamed of since I was a little girl. But I was wrong.” I was wrong about a lot of things. “Romantic love might actually be the cheapest version of love.”

I give him a second to digest what I’ve said before going on. “I would never hurt Isaac. He was my heart living and breathing outside of me, but not in the same way as Gabe. Gabe was my son, so that went without saying, but Isaac and I have been together before. There is a familiarity and a comfortability in the way our spirits connect at a deep soul level that couldn’t happen if we hadn’t already traveled a million lifetimes together. And the reason I’m not bothered about Isaac being missing or possibly hurt somewhere is because I know that no matter where he is or what’s happening to him, even if he’s dead, it doesn’t matter. I will see him again. Not in this lifetime, but in the next and in the next one after that. It’s how it is with us. We’ll find each other. We always do.” Just the thought of it brings me so much peace. It’s why I’m not worried. Not like everyone else.

“It sounds like you are trying to tell me that you developed strong feelings for Isaac?” He tries to reflect back what I’ve said, but he’s missing the point.

“I’m trying to tell you that we didn’t have to develop anything. The feelings and the connection were already there.”

He raises his eyebrows. “I’m sorry if I’m having a hard time following all of this, but I am. The two of you had this deep soul connection?”

I nod and let my joy out. It feels good not having to hide or hold anything inside.