Miles Ever After (Miles High Series)(40)

I exhale heavily, great.





New York.


The table is alive with chatter and laughter, family always cheers me up.

The kids are climbing all over the chairs, drinks are spilling and everything is chaos.

I’m so glad we came. After spending the afternoon with Emily I feel so much better, more like myself.

Elliot is sitting beside me and we still haven’t spoken but I know it’s going to be okay; we just needed some alone time to process everything.

It’s been a week from hell.

Our little family is staying at two, and slowly but surely I’m coming to grips with it.

Deep down I know Elliot is right, we can’t go on like this.

It’s no way to live.

I’m going to let go of any preconceived ideas of what my life should be. Throw myself into painting and our farm and enjoy my beautiful man.

Because he deserves my best.

“We’ve got some news,” Tristan announces.

The table falls silent.

“Claire’s pregnant.”

What?

My heart stops and I fake a smile.

“Six kids.” Christopher gasps. “Jesus, you two are serial breeders.”

The table erupts into congratulations and Emily’s sympathetic eyes flick to me.

“Congratulations.” I smile. “That’s fantastic news.”

Elliot takes my hand under the table and links his fingers through mine.

His act of kindness slays my bravado and I feel the tears welling behind my eyes.

Stop it.

He squeezes my hand as a silent comfort.

Don’t cry.

This is a happy announcement and I am happy for them, really I am. The other pregnancy announcements from Claire and Emily haven’t worried me before.

I roll my lips.

I just wish they were congratulating Elliot, calling him a serial breeder.

Don’t cry.

I can feel the hot caustic tears building and I need them to go to hell. I will not make this about me and cause a scene.

This is exciting, a baby is a gift.

Don’t cry.

“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I whisper, I get up and near run to the disabled bathroom, I close the door behind me.

They get six, we don’t even get one.

I lean my forehead on the back of the door, my open hands hold me up, my heartbeat sounding in my ears, the pain in my chest so sharp that I screw up my face in pain. Poisonous, jealous tears run down my face.

My breath quivers as I inhale, trying desperately to calm myself down.

I don’t want to be this person; this isn’t who I am.

“Kate.” I hear Emily’s voice. “Where are you, babe?”

I screw up my face even more, the snot is running down my face. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’ll be out in a moment.” I wipe my eyes. “I’ll meet you back out there.”

“Let me in.”

“I’m fine, Em.”

“Open the fucking door.”

I open the door to see Emily, Claire and Hayden, and I want the earth to swallow me up. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, the tears starting again.

Claire pulls me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, I didn’t realize.”

“I don’t want to be this person.” I whisper, embarrassed.

“You have every right to be upset,” Claire comforts me. “Howl to the moon.”

I smile, grateful for her kindness. “I’ve ruined everything.”

“No you haven’t.”

Emily passes me tissues and I wipe my eyes. “God, I’m an idiot making this about me, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be silly, we’re family.” Emily puts her arm around me. “We’ve got you; your heartache is our heartache.”

The tears well again. “Don’t be nice to me.” I laugh. “It makes me psychotic.”

We all laugh and eventually we make our way back to the table.

Everyone is silent, unsure to what to say.

“Sorry.” I sit down, mortified, “My behavior is inexcusable.”

Elliot puts his arm around me and kisses my temple as he pulls me close.

“So as you already know,” I say as I look around the table, “Elliot and I have been struggling with fertility for a long time, it’s not working and we’ve finally accepted that we are unable to have a baby.”

The table sits still as they listen.

“As of this week we’ve officially stopped trying. There will be no children for us and it’s been hard to come to that decision. It’s new and it’s raw and I really am so happy for you guys.” I smile through tears.

Elliot rolls his lips as he stares at the table, unable to make eye contact with anyone.

The table falls silent, unsure what to say.

“I’m so sorry, guys,” Jameson whispers.

“We’re going to get going.” Elliot stands, unable to have this conversation. “Sorry to be on a downer.” He shakes Tristan’s hand. “Happy for you, buddy.” He kisses Claire. “Congrats.”

“I’m sorry for ruining the night,” I say, embarrassed. “I promise I’ll get my shit together and be better company next time.”